Expectations re birthday lunch... is it me?

[DanceDanceRevolutions]

My mum had a big birthday recently and for part of her present DH and I offered to take her out for a fancy dinner.

Think high-end £100+ ish a head type place. Not the sort of place we would usually eat at but, as I say, it was a big birthday.

There were six of us; me DH and our two DC; my mum and her husband. When the bill came I had expected my mum's husband to chip in and cover his share, leaving me to pay for my mum and the rest of my family... but he didn't. He had assumed that me treating my mum meant me treating him as well.

Was I in the wrong here for assuming that me offering to treat my mum meant covering her dinner and not his too? (And yes I should have been more explicit; I know that now! I just paid the whole thing and smiled rather than have any drama at what was otherwise a very nice family meal out)

Just a guess - but you're not wild about him are you? Sounds like you're trying t odo the right thing but you don't particualrly like him so perhaps are just a bit over sensitive to his behaviours?

The only way that would have worked was if you specified up front that he wasn’t invited. You can’t invite someone and expect them to pay, that’s why he didn’t offer. It would have been even more mortifying if he offered and you accepted.

You invited them both and you said it was your treat for your mum’s birthday. That implies you’re planning on paying the bill for everyone and I think it’s really odd you expected him and just him to pay for himself. Poor guy! Glad you paid and didn’t actually say anything because that would have been so rude and awkward.
If you’d have wanted him to pay for his share it would be better to have called him before arranging the dinner and asked if he fancied planning a joint treat for mum.

I’d be paying for both for sure. The present to your mum is to also have her husband with her.

Just a guess - but you're not wild about him are you?

No I'm not. He's an abusive twat who treats her horrendously. Which has obviously coloured my view of the situation.

If this was a stepdad who had been around for years I think I'd feel very differently, but this is a fairly new relationship that has moved quickly.

I know I'll be accused of a massive dripfeed there but I'd deliberately left out my feelings about him as I wondered if it was skewing my feelings. Which clearly it has as IWBU.

I would see this as lunch was on you i.e. you were picking up the tab. If you wanted him to contribute you should have spoken to him separately, in advance although, if I were him, I would have been quite offended (reasonable or not!).

You took two small children out for a high end, fancy dinner?
And you are complaining that your guest didn’t pay for himself? 😂

☝️

I think you were wrong, yes.

Did your parents ever invite you & DH (or boyfriends before that) out to lunch or dinner, and not pay for him?

YABU, sorry.
Lunch was your treat.

You can't expect him to pay 1/6th of the treat lunch.

At least you know now that if they take you, you can bring DH along & he will be covered!

(Hope it was fab, I love a posh lunch!)

I'd have paid for everyone, YABU

You took two small children out for a high end, fancy dinner?

Yes. I wanted to treat my mum to something she would never usually do, for her 70th. A one-off.

Hopefully the pretty much unanimous consensus on your thread indicates YABU

Guessing your husband agreed with you and thought he should cough up?

I think yabu. I wouldn’t single one person out when you’d invited them and their spouse for a birthday meal. You picked the expensive restaurant so you pay, unless you consulted with him about it before. If you were worried about money then choosing a less expensive restaurant would’ve been a better idea.

How old is “small”?

was the dinner enjoyable?

guessing you’re not keen on your mum’s husband?

Sorry OP, I think it was 100% reasonable to think the invitation was to your Mum’s birthday lunch… and you had invited him.

Apart from anything else it would hardly have been fair to expect the party girl’s DH to pay for a fine dining meal without checking in advance that that was in his price range etc if you expect people to pay, they get a say.

It was your treat, your present to your Mum’s birthday lunch, it would have been awkward for him to start paying for one meal.

Do you generally resent him?

OP, I get it. The grin-and-bear-it situation that when you're completely fair, you realise you wouldn't think twice about for anyone else. We had it a LOT with SIL's ex practically from day 1. .... any other partner of any of our respective siblings needs X? Sure, no problem. This guy? "Why the fuck can't he deal with it himself."

Sorry your mum is with a horrible man.

I think that would be awkward. You might have done better to take your mum out on her own if you didn’t want to pay for him. By including the rest of your family as well as your mums husband (presumably not your dad?) you have really set yourselves up to pay the whole bill. The alternative was to make it clear at the start.

No I'm not. He's an abusive twat who treats her horrendously. Which has obviously coloured my view of the situation.

ok. And you’re wittering on about him not paying you for a dinner you arranged.

I bet this expensive dinner was a real barrel of laughs for everyone

Given he’s abusive
Given you despise him

I would have thought a much nicer treat would have been your mother to be taken out by just her daughter for afternoon tea

You should pay for all or tell him he’s not invited.

You did a lovely thing for your mum and she wanted him there. No it would be odd if he offered to pay just for himself and he might have thought he’d offend you if he did.

it was for her, so forget about him

If you hadn't wanted him there (and you dislike him that much) you really should have chosen something else like just you and your Mum having an afternoon tea together and explicitly stated it was just the two of you.

I think it’s very odd to take a couple out and only pay for the one person . Surely part of the treat is sharing it with her nearest and dearest , yes you should pay .

The op threw in one heck of a drip…. He’s a nasty highly abusive to her mother dick 🙄

But yes… the thread is about money for a dinner she paid for