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Original poster

Expectations re birthday lunch... is it me?

103 replies

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:30

My mum had a big birthday recently and for part of her present DH and I offered to take her out for a fancy dinner.

Think high-end £100+ ish a head type place. Not the sort of place we would usually eat at but, as I say, it was a big birthday.

There were six of us; me DH and our two DC; my mum and her husband. When the bill came I had expected my mum's husband to chip in and cover his share, leaving me to pay for my mum and the rest of my family... but he didn't. He had assumed that me treating my mum meant me treating him as well.

Was I in the wrong here for assuming that me offering to treat my mum meant covering her dinner and not his too? (And yes I should have been more explicit; I know that now! I just paid the whole thing and smiled rather than have any drama at what was otherwise a very nice family meal out)

OP posts:
Romeiswheretheheartis · 26/08/2025 18:54

If my dd said she was going to treat her dad to a birthday meal, and invited me to go along, I wouldn't expect her to pay for me too, so on that basis I don't think it's unreasonable to have expected him to chip in.

BeaLola · 26/08/2025 18:57

Closepile · 26/08/2025 18:51

my sister and I took mum and dad out for lunch once for Mother’s Day, saying we’d pay for both their meals. When the bill came my sister told the waitress we were paying half each. Except that her husband and two kids had dined with us too, whereas I was on my own and not flush at the time. I was too taken aback to say anything.

That's cheeky - sometimes my DB and I treat my Dad at a restaurant near him that we all like - my brother and I go halves - however occasionally DB's girlfriend has joined us and my DB always pay he share in full (luckily as she always orders all the ££££ stuff) ! If we went and my DH cones we split 50/50

Cynic17 · 26/08/2025 18:59

You were definitely in the wrong, OP. If you offer to treat someone, then their partner is obviously included.
If you only wanted to pay for your mother, you could have made it a "girls only" lunch and just gone with her by yourself (and your daughter, if you have one).

ShodAndShadySenators · 26/08/2025 19:06

We take our mum out for lunch every birthday these days, and she and her partner are always paid for (we siblings take turns well most of us). It does make a difference to how I feel about it that we like her partner OK. It would really stick in my craw to have to host someone I disliked heartily whom I considered abusive and not good for my mum! Obviously you don't have a choice about it as you can't say "Oh Keith, you're not invited" but it would rankle...

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 26/08/2025 19:19

They come as a pair/double act. If you just wanted to treat your mum you should have just taken her on your own.

WellMaybeTomorrow · 26/08/2025 19:29

That’s good you Mum had a lovely time. That is the most important thing. I’ve learnt to be very comfortable with being upfront about finances with friends and family. If I’d have been in your situation and I had wanted him to pay for himself I would have told him beforehand even if it’s a bit awkward. I always make it clear when things are ‘my treat’ or when I would like people to chip in or pay for themselves. Then there’s no guess work involved.

Having said that if I were him I would have assumed you were paying but I’d have also offered to chip in.

Coconutter24 · 26/08/2025 19:37

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:38

Might have been nice if he had offered though and then you declined the offer of his contribution

You see this is what I thought would happen! I wouldn't ever have taken his money but I thought he might offer. It was the assumption I was just covering his bill too that I found a bit weird.

But I'm very happy to be told IWBU here

Yabvu to make this into a problem. You wouldn’t have taken his money had he offered that must mean you had planned to pay for them both, you pay for them both and are miffed because he didn’t offer. Did you invite them both or did you just invite your mum and she randomly brought him along or asked if he could come?

DemonsandMosquitoes · 26/08/2025 20:15

I’m with the husband.

namechangedforvalidreasons · 26/08/2025 20:37

Agree it would be ill-mannered to ask someone to pay for themselves separately but even if someone invites me for my dinner I would offer to pay. If they declined, on a bill of that size I would say ‘can I at least chip in £50 towards the wine’ or whatever. I cannot imagine as an adult sitting silently expecting another adult to buy me a £100 dinner. Accept I am in the minority!

fruitypancake · 26/08/2025 20:46

I mean he could have offered to buy a round of drinks or chip in for desserts but otherwise I think you can’t foot the bill for all but one person

Forgottenname · 26/08/2025 21:17

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 18:05

It's a lot of money for a lunch though! Surely it wasn't 100 for your children's meals?

Lots of questions about the ages of the kids and the cost of their meals etc.

Not sure if this changes anything but just so all the facts are straight; they're eight and six and their meals were far cheaper than the £100+ a head that it cost for the adults.
We ate in one of the restaurants at the Shard which had been recommended to me as being welcoming for children, as my mum had always wanted to eat up there for the views and had never had the opportunity before.

Him coming too was presented as a fait accompli rather than his being explicitly invited. In retrospect this is on me for not being far clearer. But my mum had a lovely time and that really is all that matters.

Your mum had a “lovely time” celebrating her 70th with abusive twat who treats her horrendously husband seated on one side of her, and her daughter who despises said husband (stewing about paying for his dinner), on the other side of her.

I very much doubt this poor woman enjoyed a moment of it

REDB99 · 26/08/2025 21:28

YABU. At some point you either invited both your mum and her husband or your mum asked if he could come. If you invited them both then I can absolutely see why he thought you were paying for everyone. If your mum asked if he could come your reply could have been ‘Yes, but he needs to pay for himself’ which you clearly didn’t say. Either way you didn’t make it clear that he was expected to pay.

StressedOot3 · 26/08/2025 21:30

I always pay for my stepmum too when we take my dad out. I wouldn't even consider not paying for her or expect her to pay for herself tbh.

Anywherebuthere · 26/08/2025 21:35

YABU. You were not clear about it. Wouldn't you have felt embarrassed taking money from one person?

It would be nice if he had offered.

Next time be clear about your expectations.

Movinghouseatlast · 26/08/2025 21:38

Absolutely you should have paid for him.

TY78910 · 26/08/2025 21:53

If this was your mum and dad, you would have expected yourself to pay for him too. The only reason you’re questioning it is because he’s just your mum’s husband to you.

irregularegular · 26/08/2025 22:04

I'd have definitely assumed you were paying for both of them. Unless from the start it was a very clear " we are taking mum out for lunch with us for her birthday" then mum asked if it is ok if her husband comes, and you said then " that would be lovely but I'm really sorry we can't afford to pay for him too" and then they offered to pay for him so he can join you.

Unless you'd had that kind of conversation in advance, then the default would be that you pay for the group. I think if you wanted to just treat your mum then you should have gone just the two of you.

irregularegular · 26/08/2025 22:05

I might have expected him to offer to pay for the wine, or even just for champagne to start or something, and it would have been ok for you to graciously accept that. But just paying for his own meal feels odd.

Inertia · 27/08/2025 15:18

Most polite people would offer to contribute, even if they expect the host to decline. However , a man who is abusive to his elderly wife is clearly
a) going to turn up uninvited to events she attends, and
b) not offer to chip in.

@DanceDanceRevolutions , if he behaves horribly towards your mum then perhaps you can mentally reframe paying for his dinner as buying your mum the gift of a peaceful birthday. If he’s abusive, and you’d taken your mum alone or asked the husband to chip, your mum would have suffered for it later.

Whatwouldnanado · 27/08/2025 15:22

In light of his behaviour and your opinion of him did you really expect him to chip in? Next time either take your mum out by yourself or go to somewhere cheaper as a family.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/08/2025 15:32

My dad dud this one Christmas time, invited everybody and asked me and husband to pay for our meal. Couldn't beleive it ... though thinking about it I should have guessed as he was as tight as a duck's arse in a storm.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2025 15:32

Sweetmelonff · 26/08/2025 15:32

Goodness I’d have felt SO awkward accepting money from just one person and treating everyone else

It's not really like that is it? She was only TREATING one person, the others are her immediate family with the same budget anyway.

Moonnstars · 27/08/2025 15:32

Maybe if you want to treat your mum invite her out with just you. DH could stay home and look after the children and you could then tell her it's just the two of you going out.

AphroditesSeashell · 27/08/2025 15:36

DanceDanceRevolutions · 26/08/2025 15:35

I see your point @Sweetmelonff but the "everyone else" there was my DH (who was paying half anyway really as we share family money) and our two small children. Not quite the same as me paying for five adults and leaving one out..

By the same token, if he had paid for himself, your mum would have been "paying half anyway" of his meal because they're married.

Elektra1 · 27/08/2025 15:37

If you invited your mum for a birthday meal then yes absolutely you offered to pay for her and her partner. It would be weird and rude to pay for the rest of you and expect him to pay for himself. If budget didn’t stretch to 6 x £100 then the thing to do would have been choose a cheaper restaurant.