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Original poster

Why are some people so negative?

112 replies

BadKarma3467 · 25/08/2025 19:54

Why are some people so negative?
Just been away with family and one relative is really hard to be around (I can only usually tolerate them in small doses but this was a whole weekend) as everything they say is negative, they make a big deal out of small inconsequential things, very inconvenienced all the time. Everything is a problem - didn't sleep well, weather is too hot then it's too cold, there was traffic, it's too busy, everything is a 'shame'. You sneeze or cough and it's 'omg you have a cold'.

Even positives were made into negatives - too much food served at the restaurant, salad too crunchy, lunch was too big.

They've always been like this for as long as I've known them and it's getting worse. Obviously heightened as just spent a holiday with them but it rubbed off on my children who started moaning and being rude.

It's so draining. We only have one life - have fun, enjoy what you can and don't care about the little things that don't matter.
Find a solution to the problems and move forward.
Embrace life, it's precious and we're so grateful to be here!

OP posts:
pilates · 26/08/2025 22:07

I try and avoid people like that but hard for you when it’s family

Libertylawn · 26/08/2025 22:10

VoltaireMittyDream · 25/08/2025 20:46

I have an extended family full of people who are like this (most of them ND).

I think most people have the ability to experience pleasure and contentment even when conditions are imperfect or unexpected. We have a nervous system that is adaptive and regulated enough that we’re able to feel relatively comfortable in a wide range of environments, not be constantly anticipating and planning for disaster, to ‘filter out’ small discomforts and inconveniences, and to change plans easily when something unexpected happens.

For my most negative relatives, their nervous system is in overdrive and as a result their experience of life is abrasive, uncomfortable and threatening most of the time.

A whole holiday can be ruined - and remembered forever as an unmitigated disaster - because they got pebbles in their sandal, or they ordered an English muffin but were served a blueberry muffin. These things just cannot be got over, in the way you or I might move past them automatically and with humour.

I really do feel for them - I think it must be like living in the Upside Down a lot of the time.

But it is very draining to be around.

Add to that social communication differences that mean they don’t realise that they’re complaining constantly, and for hours on end, and bringing everyone down - or don’t see why people are bothered by it because they’re ’just being honest’.

It’s tough.

That is fascinating. One of my kids is like this and it drains the life and joy from everyone else on holiday. He just wants to be gaming, in his pants, doing as HE pleases. I love him so much I could pop, but bloody hell it’s hard going.

Last time we went away I really lost my shit with him and whilst he calmed the moaning a bit, he really didn’t have any major fucks to give.

theonlygirl · 26/08/2025 22:26

Were you away with my mother?

Makehaysunshine · 26/08/2025 22:27

Has anyone noticed this new trend for customer service people to ask in a slightly passive aggressive manner ‘You all right?’ before doing anything for you. It happened with a supermarket delivery tonight. Is it a way of saying ‘you look/sound grumpy ‘. I got put through to multiple people on the phone trying to sort out an issue recently, and every single person asked ‘Are you alright?’ before dealing with the issue. Whar other answer is there other than ‘I am fine’ which becomes an entirely meaningless and mechanical phrase. They don’t care one jot how their customers are and everyone knows it, so what’s the point!!

Likewise ‘have a wonderful evening’ when you’ve spent two frustrating hours trying to sort out an issue. It’s so fake and makes me feel if I don’t have a wonderful evening I’m somehow not up to the mark. I just find it so tedious.

TitaniasAss · 26/08/2025 22:31

I work with someone who sucks the joy out of anything and everything. She moans constantly and I find her exhausting and really difficult to be around. Even a simple 'good morning' is met with 'is it?'. We work in a high pressure environment, like many people, and we all have our own shit going on but she is just so negative all the time that most of us find it difficult to make much of an effort with her anymore, which is a shame really.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 26/08/2025 23:46

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 26/08/2025 20:17

it's possible to be unhappy but put on a front so as not to put upon others

A horrendously unhealthy way to go about your life, and a surefire way to end up with ruined mental health.

It's not "putting upon" other people to express your emotions. If you believe that, you need to have a frank word with yourself, and if others are telling you you are "putting upon" them, you need to consider getting better company.

No there isn't

Well I'll grant you that this is subjective, however, I'll always view people like this with suspicion because it simply isn't natural or remotely realistic to live your entirely life in an endlessly upbeat mood. It makes me question what is really going on, and also if they are just so vapid that they are oblivious to anything negative.

Edited
Show quote history

You said: I don't feel right in the morning until I've had a good moan and complain about something tbh,

Didn't say people are upbeat everyday, not sure where you got that from.

Having bad days or needing to let steam off once in a while is healthy, doing it constantly is selfish to those who have to listen to it endlessly when they've got their own stuff to deal with.

sillysmiles · 27/08/2025 01:09

Having bad days or needing to let steam off once in a while is healthy, doing it constantly is selfish to those who have to listen to it endlessly when they've got their own stuff to deal with.

I also think the key is that most people will really listen if a person has an issue, or if they need a mindless moan about a particular thing.

It's when it's a constant stream of unending negativity that it becomes draining, not just someone having a bad day.

I've an in law like this. When she turned 80 it was all about how hard it was. She was surrounded by her family and grandchildren and had no appreciation for it. I get that aging is hard but the alternative is dying not staying young.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 27/08/2025 01:21

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 26/08/2025 23:46

You said: I don't feel right in the morning until I've had a good moan and complain about something tbh,

Didn't say people are upbeat everyday, not sure where you got that from.

Having bad days or needing to let steam off once in a while is healthy, doing it constantly is selfish to those who have to listen to it endlessly when they've got their own stuff to deal with.

Edited
Show quote history

Didn't say people are upbeat everyday, not sure where you got that from

Where I got it from?

Probably when I also said I simply don't trust people who are endlessly cheery, which you have clearly seen since you quoted that entire post once, and part of it a second time, and where you referred to people putting on a brave face so as not to "put upon" others.

ForQuirkyFawn · 27/08/2025 01:42

One person's negativity is another's person's realism....

Franjipanl8r · 27/08/2025 01:48

They’re called energy vampires.

Kurkara · 27/08/2025 01:50

Sounds draining, OP, but I have to give props to "the salad is too crunchy." That is the carpiest carp I have ever encountered!!

flapjackfairy · 27/08/2025 02:50

Some people are happy in their misery.
I know someone who is totally like this. Professional.victim basically. As they age they are more and more isolated because they have worn out the goodwill of every family member who has tolerated this behaviour, me included.

Crushed23 · 27/08/2025 03:35

It’s sometimes lack of self esteem and not feeling worthy of nice things, even happiness and positive emotions. That’s the case with a relative of mine, anyway.

changeme4this · 27/08/2025 04:03

Elderly? Mum was at her worst when she was suffering from a UTI.

camelfinger · 27/08/2025 04:42

Sometimes it’s down to perfectionist tendencies. I have a couple of relatives that I avoid going to restaurants with now. You can guarantee they will be the ones with undercooked food, or will expect discounts off the bill (even if someone else is paying). And will just moan about the cost of things. I recently went for food with a positive person - the food took ages but we barely noticed because we had such a lovely long catch up. For certain people, if there is something being paid for, they expect top notch customer service. If it in any way falls short (which it often does, especially on big tables) they just want to moan and want me to go and complain formally and get money off. It’s just exhausting and lessens my own enjoyment.

TheaBrandt1 · 27/08/2025 07:06

Dd works in a restaurant popular with huge groups. They get great reviews but sometimes the expectations are just insane. A small family run restaurant catering for a group of 20 or so it’s physically impossible for the food to come out literally the same second. Sometimes they get complaints despite it all coming out within 5 minutes that’s still not good enough. It’s people looking for an excuse to get money off most of the time.

Havesomecommonsense · 27/08/2025 07:09

VoltaireMittyDream · 25/08/2025 20:46

I have an extended family full of people who are like this (most of them ND).

I think most people have the ability to experience pleasure and contentment even when conditions are imperfect or unexpected. We have a nervous system that is adaptive and regulated enough that we’re able to feel relatively comfortable in a wide range of environments, not be constantly anticipating and planning for disaster, to ‘filter out’ small discomforts and inconveniences, and to change plans easily when something unexpected happens.

For my most negative relatives, their nervous system is in overdrive and as a result their experience of life is abrasive, uncomfortable and threatening most of the time.

A whole holiday can be ruined - and remembered forever as an unmitigated disaster - because they got pebbles in their sandal, or they ordered an English muffin but were served a blueberry muffin. These things just cannot be got over, in the way you or I might move past them automatically and with humour.

I really do feel for them - I think it must be like living in the Upside Down a lot of the time.

But it is very draining to be around.

Add to that social communication differences that mean they don’t realise that they’re complaining constantly, and for hours on end, and bringing everyone down - or don’t see why people are bothered by it because they’re ’just being honest’.

It’s tough.

My best friend is like this
ND so the anxiety is massive
Perfectly normal things like "oh dear no tables in this restaurant let's try the one next door just cannot be got over
It's exhausting to be with

Makehaysunshine · 27/08/2025 07:19

I think the moaning about food etc is often because we are all struggling with the cost of living. Prices in restaurants have become absolutely laughable and then there’s a service charge on top! People feel ripped off. Plus the food is so often generic and not good.

TorroFerney · 27/08/2025 07:32

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 26/08/2025 02:54

Well the first person I talk to each day is my partner, and she moans and complains even more than I do, so I don't think it has much of a negative effect if I'm perfectly honest, on the contrary, it's nice to know there is someone else just as angry about petty things as you are.

Show quote history

How do you wake up like that though? Nothings happened to you when you wake up, unless a terrible dream or is it that you complain about how you’ve slept? Or are you complaining about what will happen in your day?

katepilar · 27/08/2025 09:00

flapjackfairy · 27/08/2025 02:50

Some people are happy in their misery.
I know someone who is totally like this. Professional.victim basically. As they age they are more and more isolated because they have worn out the goodwill of every family member who has tolerated this behaviour, me included.

Pretty sure their are not happy. They just dont realise there is a better way to live or if they notice they dont know how to change it. Sometimes psychotherapy helps but even that is often not helpful.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/08/2025 09:02

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 27/08/2025 01:21

Didn't say people are upbeat everyday, not sure where you got that from

Where I got it from?

Probably when I also said I simply don't trust people who are endlessly cheery, which you have clearly seen since you quoted that entire post once, and part of it a second time, and where you referred to people putting on a brave face so as not to "put upon" others.

Edited
Show quote history

Being endlessly cheery to you, doesn't mean they're endlessly happy or they haven't had a good moan to someone else though.
Calling what you believe to be endlessly cheery people being deeply sinister is a big stretch.

It would be exhausting to be either endlessly cheery as you put it, and always moaning is selfish.

Good to see most people find it draining when it's constant.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/08/2025 09:06

I had an XP like this. He only had one setting - moan.I nearly Pollyanna'd myself to death trying to counteract his outlook on absolutely everything, it was exhausting trying to get him to see how many positives he had in his life (and, to be honest, his life was mostly positives). I came to realise that this was his only form of communication. He'd never learned the art of starting a conversation or replying to a comment, so he'd put a negative slant on things just to give his interlocutor something to reply to. It never seemed to occur to him that people could form a conversation based around good things.

Havesomecommonsense · 27/08/2025 09:10

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/08/2025 09:06

I had an XP like this. He only had one setting - moan.I nearly Pollyanna'd myself to death trying to counteract his outlook on absolutely everything, it was exhausting trying to get him to see how many positives he had in his life (and, to be honest, his life was mostly positives). I came to realise that this was his only form of communication. He'd never learned the art of starting a conversation or replying to a comment, so he'd put a negative slant on things just to give his interlocutor something to reply to. It never seemed to occur to him that people could form a conversation based around good things.

This is my ND friend!
I think she has learnt that a good starting point or bonding experience is joint moaning
She's a lovely person but I think she learnt this wrongly

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/08/2025 09:13

Sosickofarrogance · 26/08/2025 20:29

I think this is cruel. Lots of people are depressed or have become used to their lives being difficult...in some cases,(although not all) there is a great deal of unkindness and a lack of empathy from those who are toxically positive.

Imagine suffering a decade of severe illness, a few bereavements and house fires, to be told you were endlessly negative!

Don't think that's what this thread is about.
It's moaning about everyday regular stuff that could be seen as a positive or could be ignored.
OP gave examples about the salad being too crunchy and food being too much.

That's nowhere on the same level as moaning about a house fire.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/08/2025 09:22

Makehaysunshine · 27/08/2025 07:19

I think the moaning about food etc is often because we are all struggling with the cost of living. Prices in restaurants have become absolutely laughable and then there’s a service charge on top! People feel ripped off. Plus the food is so often generic and not good.

Edited

That's the thing though ,everyone or most are struggling too.
So why spoil a meal out by constantly moaning to others who are going through the same and maybe more.