Why are some people so negative?

[BadKarma3467]

Why are some people so negative?
Just been away with family and one relative is really hard to be around (I can only usually tolerate them in small doses but this was a whole weekend) as everything they say is negative, they make a big deal out of small inconsequential things, very inconvenienced all the time. Everything is a problem - didn't sleep well, weather is too hot then it's too cold, there was traffic, it's too busy, everything is a 'shame'. You sneeze or cough and it's 'omg you have a cold'.

Even positives were made into negatives - too much food served at the restaurant, salad too crunchy, lunch was too big.

They've always been like this for as long as I've known them and it's getting worse. Obviously heightened as just spent a holiday with them but it rubbed off on my children who started moaning and being rude.

It's so draining. We only have one life - have fun, enjoy what you can and don't care about the little things that don't matter.
Find a solution to the problems and move forward.
Embrace life, it's precious and we're so grateful to be here!

Everyone has a moan, groan and grumble every now and again but constant moaning, fussing and seeing the negative in everything is just draining.
I know a couple of people like that and you can be in a perfectly decent mood but then listening to their doom and gloom just drags you down.

I totally believe in fake it till you make it around positivity . The opposite is true on the negative side. People who are perma victims and merchants of doom find that people tend to avoid them, they get lonelier and croaser and the cycle just gets worse and worse.

Honestly, how do you think people who interact with you in the morning felt about that? Do you think it starts their day well? Yes there's a huge amount in the world, in many peoples' lives that sucks beyond the telling of it, but unless you actually are going to end it all, you live, you find pleasure and most of all you don't engage in behaviour that you know damn well is going to have a negative impact on others.

I used to have a tendency towards negativity in some scenarios but I keep about 90% of it to myself. Having negative thoughts does not give a person licence to express those thoughts. That's a self discipline issue. My Dad can have a 20 minute ranty monologue about the roadworks outside his house, every time we talk. It makes me dread every phone call or visit. If it were me I'd might say those roadworks are driving me crazy and then move on with the conversation.

I used to have a tendency towards negativity in some scenarios but I keep about 90% of it to myself. Having negative thoughts does not give a person licence to express those thoughts. That's a self discipline issue. My Dad can have a 20 minute ranty monologue about the roadworks outside his house, every time we talk. It makes me dread every phone call or visit. If it were me I'd might say those roadworks are driving me crazy and then move on with the conversation.

I think this sums it up to be honest.

I'm no saint : like a little moan and a measured gossip sometimes like many humans.

But in general I do count my blessings, see the good in people and try to view the world and people as a collective as mostly "fairly good". Life's too short really not to. It affects your mental health to view things angrily/negatively for too long or too much.

My MIL is like this. Everything is a whinge or a moan. Everything is negative or has a black cloud chucked over it. Savage about other people too (usual women 🙄) I used to get really wound up about it. But now I see that really she is a very empty woman with a very empty life and instead of counting her blessings she looks back at all her misfortunes. I think she has issues , for want of a better word. But is so far in denial about it . Very emotionally repressed.

I do Pollyanna act around her and just limit contact and I never gossip or join in with her moaning. I can tolerate her just fine in measured doses.

Oh yes, absolutely headwrecking.

Also the ones who assume everyone else's comments are complaints and they try to explain things or try to reassure. Example - the bus should be here by now, I'd say it's late. 'Well maybe someone had a crash, aren't you lucky it wasn't you?, or maybe there were roadworks, wouldn't you rather they fixed a broken cable' etc or i say : I think its going to rain. 'So what's a bit of rain, imagine people in the drought in (wherever) think how happy they would be to be in the rain'

As I'm typing this I remembered one such comment a few years ago. I had just flown back from holiday and someone asked me how I got on. I said to be honest it wasn't much of a break as DS (then 4) was really difficult all week. The woman replied 'I'm sure Madeline McCann's mother would swap with you..' I was like WTF!!

@VoltaireMittyDream that is the most compassionate reading of that behaviour I've ever seen. Thank you - I can give my relatives some grace, and to be honest myself too. I'm always beating myself up that I am not more easy going and finding joy in things naturally, but I genuinely feel on edge and under threat much of the time so scraping enough dopamine together to have a response of joy is sometimes very hard.

The Madeleine McCann comment is awful!

And I really hate that sort of ‘look on the bright side’ corrective cheerfulness.

But I would also say that if you’re getting a lot of this kind of thing from people, it could be that a larger part of your commentary on the world than you realise is quite negative.

I was out for a walk on a glorious day recently with a friend who spent the whole time pointing out dog shit on the pavement, shops that had closed down, potholes in the road. It was all true - she was certainly reporting faithfully on (select aspects of) the environment around her and probably thought she was being quite neutral - but it felt less like pleasant conversation than a dirge-like litany of dreary observations from which there was an unspoken invitation to conclude that the world was going to the dogs. It kind of put a damper on a lovely summer’s walk.

@VoltaireMittyDream thats exactly the phrase that I was trying to explain 'corrective cheeriness'

@VoltaireMittyDream I don't know how she dared make that Madeleine McCann comment. That's awful!

Well the first person I talk to each day is my partner, and she moans and complains even more than I do, so I don't think it has much of a negative effect if I'm perfectly honest, on the contrary, it's nice to know there is someone else just as angry about petty things as you are.

@SquishedMallow it was my post that mentioned McCann comment, the other poster was just reacting. It's awful isn't it, but I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it. Excessive moaning is one thing but surely I'm allowed to comment my 4 yr old is going through a difficult phase without being made feel guilty for that fact she is alive and well! This was about 10 or 12 years after the case too, so it's not like it was topical at the time. Some people are weird!!

Well I guess if you're well matched it's fine. I just think it must be a horrible way to live to be angry and moaning all the time. I teach teens and over the years I've seen kids who would approach life in that way..everything is a personal affront to them, everything is stacked against them, they're miserable most of the time. I don't mean ordinary teen stuff, but everything. Relentless optimism can also be problematic of course ..as with all things it's balance.

This is my mum. It's got worse as she's got older but she's always been like it. She is a lovely, very thoughtful person and very well liked but I think she saves most of the moans and negativity for me, and some of her friends are also chronic moaners. I love her dearly but the negativity is exhausting.

My dad was the opposite. He could find a positive in any situation. My mum's moaning never seemed to bother him, oddly enough, he adored her.

Gosh I didn’t realise my mother had gone on holiday with you 🤭 no but really, it’s soul destroying to be around.

Totally agree. I am probably seen as too Pollyanna-ish ( my exh thought so) but have been through lots of stress and tough times and now actively take joy in small things. I remember my mum when I was child and we were stuck in traffic on the motorway saying ‘aren’t we lucky that we didn’t leave home half an hour earlier or we would have been in that accident’ etc so you can reframe small inconveniences.
Last week I stupidly locked my car keys in the boot/cue wasted hours and exiense... but I met some really helpful people / Green Flag guy arrived well ahead of their estimated time, local locksmith gave fab and speedy service and some local residents (strangers to me, wasn’t my home town) came out with a cup of tea. So I chose to reframe it as a way of appreciating the kindness of strangers and excellent customer service.

There is another book on a similar theme (highly recommended) by Richard Wiseman called ‘The Luck Factor’.
Envious people think I am lucky (I think so too) - this book nails why.

I’ve a relative like this and they suck the joy out if everything. On occasion they are positive but it’s hit and miss.
They have had a hard life and resent anyone who seemingly hasn’t.
They are nut fun to be around.
I’ve told them to stop comparing themselves to others but it doesn’t make any difference.
Very draining to be around them.

A lot of people don’t look at why their lives are as they are. So they become bitter and angry and envious because they themselves have made poor choices. So they become very bitter and negative rather than thinking about what steps they could take to change things for the better, even in small ways. This isn’t always the case of course, some people are just dealt a really bad hand. However of those people I know who are negative , many are not victims, they made poor life choices, and lack the drive to change things.

I don't "live angry" or "moan all the time". As I said, I like to have a whinge early in the day to get it out of the system, and from that point on I'm fine. 🙂

Op its awful. My daughter is 19. Friend of friend same didnt like holiday, new sports team moaned. College moaned. Part time job same. They hate meeting her now. Think some people just misery!

I try to be upbeat and positive without being over the top. The toxic positivity personality can sometimes be as annoying as negativity. We need balance but I tend to gravitate to a radiator not a drain.

My mother is the epitome of negativity. It’s soul destroying and exhausting. As PP have said she is a perpetual victim; acts totally helpless and hapless and let’s life happen to her.

She had a crap childhood but had everything she could ever want as an adult, provided by my dad. He worked hard and was always sociable and cheerful. She literally sucked the life out of him and he died 3 years ago.

I have to limit my time with her now, as he’s gone there’s no buffer. The constant moaning, sighing, moods and criticism about everyone and everything is draining as fuck. Can’t stand it. She will find something negative in every single situation. People running around after her and still she moans on, nothing is ever right.

I’ve considered going NC like the kids these days do. Can’t bring myself to do it, but she remains the only person in my life who can make me feel like a piece of shit within seconds of being with her.

So yeah, not a fan of negatives.

I was going to say the same.