Why are some people so negative?

[BadKarma3467]

Why are some people so negative?
Just been away with family and one relative is really hard to be around (I can only usually tolerate them in small doses but this was a whole weekend) as everything they say is negative, they make a big deal out of small inconsequential things, very inconvenienced all the time. Everything is a problem - didn't sleep well, weather is too hot then it's too cold, there was traffic, it's too busy, everything is a 'shame'. You sneeze or cough and it's 'omg you have a cold'.

Even positives were made into negatives - too much food served at the restaurant, salad too crunchy, lunch was too big.

They've always been like this for as long as I've known them and it's getting worse. Obviously heightened as just spent a holiday with them but it rubbed off on my children who started moaning and being rude.

It's so draining. We only have one life - have fun, enjoy what you can and don't care about the little things that don't matter.
Find a solution to the problems and move forward.
Embrace life, it's precious and we're so grateful to be here!

They’re really not. They are much nicer to be around. Think they are rarer too the fun suckers are far more common.

Gosh, my mother is described in this thread a number of times.

@BadKarma3467 your comment about your relative saying everything is ‘a shame’ is exactly like my mother.

A typical conversation with her will be;
Mother - “are you going away this weekend”
Me - “yes really looking forward to it. We’re going to Timbuktu for a few days”
Mother - “oooooh” (sulking, childish voice) “I’ve always wanted to go to Timbuktu, but I never got the chance” (she’s been to loads of places). “You’re so lucky, I wish I was going” (more comments like this…)
Me - “yes we are lucky. I’m looking forward to going on the beach”
Mother - “well I hope the weather’s ok then. It’ll be a shame if it rains. Oh I hope it doesn’t rain, that will ruin it, what will you do it it rains?……” On and on. Has convinced herself that it’s going to be worst rain ever by the end of the phone call even though there is no rain in the forecast.

She talks herself into terrible things happening, all the time.

Agree with many PPs, particularly the one who said that this is usually people who have nothing going on in their life. This applies to my mother, but she has chosen this and it’s so frustrating.

I think I can be negative too and I am terrified I’ll end up being like her. I have to keep a check on myself.

Because they are fucking cunts.

I think you have to feel sorry for them otherwise it rubs off on you. I feel sorry for DM that she views the world this way.

No there isn't, it's possible to be unhappy but put on a front so as not to put upon others.

Most people are going through something, listening to someone moan endlessly is draining.

There can be lots of reasons, none of them generally good.

One is having an amygdala that’s been over-used due to prolonged trauma exposure.

Typicalwave, that is so true. Toxic positivity is the correct term in this scenario.

Edited for spelling.

This.

I'm definitely not positive and overly energetic all the time, and do have negative days like the rest of us but it's the constant negative comments over absolutely everything, even the smallest thing that is draining.

It's somewhat comforting knowing a lot of you have similar issues, as other family members don't call them out directly. Noone knows how to handle her. I'm not sure if it would change much though, they'd probably be sulky and feel sorry for themselves.

I do agree that she doesn't have anything going on in her life, no purpose or drive. No hobbies or social circle. She hasn't got much confidence but can be very rude, which I think is because she doesn't know how to act socially.

Her adult child who lives with her, is following her traits in someways which is more frustrating because they're still young and should be embracing and enjoying life.

One almost funny because you have to laugh scenario was her and her daughter complaining throughout our lovely restaurant meal that there was too much food and they couldn't possibly eat it all. Then declined desert menu for everyone as surely we couldn't eat anything else, to which me and my husband said actually yes we would like dessert. Then she asked for an extra spoon and helped herself to everyone's pudding commenting on one being too bitter, one too sickly. Outrageous.

Some people are only happy when they’re miserable. Not really sure why, I assume insecurity has a lot to do with it.

it's possible to be unhappy but put on a front so as not to put upon others

A horrendously unhealthy way to go about your life, and a surefire way to end up with ruined mental health.

It's not "putting upon" other people to express your emotions. If you believe that, you need to have a frank word with yourself, and if others are telling you you are "putting upon" them, you need to consider getting better company.

No there isn't

Well I'll grant you that this is subjective, however, I'll always view people like this with suspicion because it simply isn't natural or remotely realistic to live your entirely life in an endlessly upbeat mood. It makes me question what is really going on, and also if they are just so vapid that they are oblivious to anything negative.

I've thought about this alot as I know a few of these types of people and I do think it's so type of defence thing.
Maybe they are anxious people who deal with that anxiety by always viewing everything negatively so they can never be disappointed or let down?
I put them with those people who don't trust anyone and always assign the worst possible motivations to everything everyone does.
Just people trying to protect themselves so much that they end up being the ones to make their own lives a misery

We all love a good rant or moan about something but that's very different to a low level persistent negativity that is completely draining to be around.

I sometimes think that the people who are life's drains haven't actually dealt with really bad things in their life. Or maybe that's just the ones I've encountered.

I think this is cruel. Lots of people are depressed or have become used to their lives being difficult...in some cases,(although not all) there is a great deal of unkindness and a lack of empathy from those who are toxically positive.

Imagine suffering a decade of severe illness, a few bereavements and house fires, to be told you were endlessly negative!

Some people are their own worst enemies and could do with being told this upfront imo.
We all have to put some effort into at least attempting to see the bright side of things. NOT for other people's benefit but for our own. Some people really just let themselves wallow more and more in misery and seem to be waiting for some external event to save them. It has to come from within them. That effort.
And it is effort.
But really day to day.. constantly viewing every little thing that happens in a negative light is destructive to your own wellbeing. And that's before we even get onto how it can push everyone else away from you.

Don't ever move to a retirement area is all I can say. The local FB groups are just like this. An example would be that there might be an event in the town, well attended and enjoyed by many but the first posts are always "It's in the wrong place", "I'm not interested in that", "the council spends money that doesn't benefit MEEEE" and so on. It's really tiresome

People are like this for different reasons - some people get into negative cycles and struggle to get out of them - I think that can happen to anyone who has experienced enough loss or trauma actually. But usually one day things shift and people find positive aspects of life again. Having challenges like ND or on other situations where you are systemically unfairly treated can also be part of it. But after working in MH for 20+ years, I strongly feel that temperament and choices are part of it too. Some people are wired to be more negative (often the very anxious). But permanent default negativity is a choice and there is a lot of secondary gain from it - perhaps you are not expected to do certain things or you can sit in victim mode which is a powerful position = you can avoid taking responsibility for yourself or your life and excuse all kinds of bad behaviour this way.

I have a relative exactly like this and it is exhausting.
She's not ND, her life is not excessively hard (good health, financially stable, loving friends and family), she has other things going on (very busy with volunteering).
She just seeks out and dwells upon anything negative/sad/upsetting she can find, and worse than that she generates misery on behalf of others.
It's always 'a shame for' someone for some utterly nonsense reason.
Sadly she has passed it on to some younger members of the family who she's especially close to and they now see themselves as perpetually victimised when it's simply not reality, to the extent that for one of them it's actually an impediment to how they function.
I'm a pretty middle of the road person and I like a good moan as much as the next, but around her I find myself being determinedly positive to offset the grinding negativity.

My poor sister is like this. It doesn't matter what happens, she will find a,way to make it half empty.

It drives us all mad, but we're family.

On the suggestion of my parents who werecworried, I tried suggesting therapy, antidepressants, sharing my own experiences of moving from a negative to a positive way of thinking. Instead she took that massively the wrong way and thought I was criticising her.

It breaks my heart to see the layers of denial, and how she drives people away, but there is nothing we can do.

DM had a few friends who would pop in fairly regularly to see her. One friend, let's call her Gladys, was so negative that one of her other friends stopped popping in to see DM for fear of bumping into Gladys. She told me she just couldn't cope with such negativity.

If I happened to pop in to see DM with the children, and Gladys was there, I would be so depressed by the time I left. Funny enough, when Gladys was there, DM would just sit there and read her newspaper. She really didn't listen to her at all, hence the negativity didn't bother her! I asked her once how she could put up with Gladys and she just said she had a good heart which I am sure she did. Certainly when I was poorly for a while and couldn't do anything for DM, Gladys did step up and helped DM a lot. I was grateful for that, so credit where credit's due.

I avoid negative people wherever possible. If I can’t (family members for example,) I just don’t engage in the conversation and quickly change the subject. There are two types of people in life, drains and radiators, and I protect my energy above all else.

Remember reading a study showing that positive or negative is default setting. The study looked at people who had had a really good or bad event happen to them and after a year they were back to their default broadly happy or sad. So a year after winning the lottery the negative person was back to being negative and vice versa with the positive person after an adverse life event.

An elderly relative of mine is like this. She basically just monologues at us with complaint after complaint.

Complaints are things like the light bulb might go at some point. So really not « real » complaints.

In her case she has had a long, long history of badly treated mental health conditions, sexual assault during pregnancy, loss of a parent as a child. It’s very sad that she is living her 80s in this headspace but she will not seek help.

I’ve met two moaners recently and bloody hell they’re dull. Everyone has crap in their lives. EVERYONE experiences loss, heartbreak, injustice, pain… But to listen to these two, they’re the only people who’ve ever suffered. I don’t think they realise that we’ve all lived through crap, we just choose not to harp on about it every day.

Love the example of Timbuktu 😂😂😂