Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

When a ill relative says "don't visit" at what point would you ignore that?

77 replies

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 20:28

Not me and not my choice so in this case I will not be ignoring their wishes at all.

Mil has had a stroke. Yesterday told dh not to come up until he knew more. Mil has got worse over night. Dh won't go up unless he's cleared it with his dad. But he will go regardless of wishes at some point if things get much worse. At what point, I don't know as we hoping for the best right now.

Just wondering where it comes a point where you say "look dad, mums not going to be bouncing fit next week I want to see her with my own eyes"

If it was my mum in hospital I'd go straight away whatever she said. Things are not looking fantastic but not hideous either. Right now. Would only go against wishes if it was utterly bleak? Or respect wishes at all costs? If it was your parent and you was on good terms?

A previous relative we have done this for and didn't see them at all as was their wish. But you don't get closer than sibling, parent, child.

It's very much all being said because they don't want to put dh out. Not because he isn't welcome. His dad is totally burnt out by the sound of things.

Had this with gran. We was only asked to go once she had lost consciousness and on EOL pathway.

OP posts:

SparklyBrickViper · 20/08/2025 20:41

Whose wishes are you going against?

If your husband wants to go and see his mother he should. If MIL is saying she doesn’t want to see people because of the stroke I’d probably still go to be closer and support father.

Not sure why the father thinks he gets final say on a son seeing his mother? Is there a back story?

I’m afraid I’d have been on my way last night irrelevant of what I’d been told.

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 20:48

No, no real story. Normal dysfunctional family really. Dh normally goes on holiday with them most years. They are around 180 miles away so dh packed a bag last night.

The biggest issue is try to gauge if it's serious, or not serious. Fil said it was serious. But when pressed sent a photo of mil looking a bit off colour for her but looking great.

But in-between the lines things sound worse. Dh is just getting - wait I can update you tomorrow, after the Dr rounds, scan etc. Let's leave it until I know more

OP posts:

SparklyBrickViper · 20/08/2025 21:09

I think I stand by my response and just go.

I assume your husband can’t phone the hospital directly for an update? My BIL had a minor stroke a year ago but was in and out of hospital within 24 hours. This was on the basis he had follow up appointments and had someone at home with him to keep an eye on things.

What age are we talking about? My parents in their 70’s are pretty much “don’t make a fuss” about most things, which is why I make decisions for myself based on what information I have. If my father was being hesitant to give proper updates it would again push me to go.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 20/08/2025 21:10

I would send him now, op x

Velvian · 20/08/2025 21:13

He needs to go. Your DH has his own relationship with his mum, regardless of what his dad says.

Midnightlove · 20/08/2025 21:13

DF was seriously ill in hospital, my mum was told his heart could give out at any moment (although was awake and conscious etc) she obviously visited, but he said he didn't want any other visitors, I respected his wishes that he didn't want people seeing him in that state. I understand because I would probably feel the same

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 21:31

They are late 70's. No one will talk to dh on the phone as fil is right there and nok. If dh was physically there, it would be different as I think they can't verify who is on the phone. Plus it sound hectic there. Fil said they didn't know mils history last night.

Dh has asked some direct question of fil. Like have they rescanned her to see if its still bleeding, how was she when admitted and why has she moved ward. Radio silence.

Fil also says she is reading the paper which again makes it sound like a non issue. But she's been moved to surgical assessment. There was previous talk of surgery then it was ruled out. Now she's on the ward.

OP posts:

saraclara · 20/08/2025 21:31

My grandma didn't want me to see my grandpa the day after his stroke, but she wasn't thinking straight. He had aphasia and I think she was struggling to cope with it and thought I wouldn't either. But I went anyway because I knew I could handle it.

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 21:34

I think that's it. They don't want to worry anyone but this is more worrying. Dh asked yesterday how serious it was. Fil said very serious.

OP posts:

mellongoose · 20/08/2025 22:03

Hmmm if it was my mum I’d go. He should go I think.

smallslyfox · 20/08/2025 22:07

My mum recently took seriously ill and it didn't occur to me not to go for a second, i left work and went home to pack a bag immediately. He should just go.

Octavia64 · 20/08/2025 22:10

Yeah I’d go.

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 22:12

I think he should go. I would have gone yesterday when fil said its very serious. I was trying not to cry on the phone. Then he sent the photo of her holding a cup of tea with a normal smile. We felt very reassured by that. But there's bits he is leaving out. She can read the paper, but It doesn't sound like she can walk. It doesn't sound like she knows exactly what's going on. It sounds like it's still bleeding. It sounds like they, for a second time are thinking of surgery. No answer to these questions. She is getting worse, but we don't know how or in what way.

OP posts:

healthybychristmas · 20/08/2025 22:17

So she has had a very serious stroke but she is reading the newspaper? When my friend had a bad stroke there was no way he could've been reading a newspaper at that point.

cannyvalley · 20/08/2025 22:51

If I was your husband I would be wanting to speak to mum on the phone to ask if she objects to me visiting. My mum not wanting me to see her very unwell, or not being up to a visit is the only thing that would stop me visiting her in hospital.

if she doesn’t have a mobile at the hospital I would be ringing to ward and asking them to take the ward phone to her.

If she is very unwell and unable to speak on the phone , this gives him information to help make the decision to visit her or not.

i would specifically ask the hospital to facilitate a phone call with mum, not dad… im not at all suggesting he is controlling (I don’t know them) but I always get worried about partners gatekeeping when someone is ill. Sometimes it’s protective, putting off visitors at the ill persons request. Sometimes it isn’t, but is what the partner thinks is best and not what the I’ll person would prefer.

dad is probably a bit scared and may not be thinking straight. He may be minimising because he doesn’t want mum to be as poorly as she is. He may be trying not to make a fuss.

Try and speak to mum, that’s my advise.

im sorry this has happened, wishing you all the best x

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 22:54

I don't the bleed is very serious in so much as its not a catastrophic bleed. It's her condition that's serious. Im guessing Repeated unstable bleeds putting pressure on her brain they are struggling to stop. So if it doesn't stabilise it's going to end up extremely bad.

The bleed started with a head injury over a week ago that at the they talked of operating on at the time.

I've seen someone die of major stroke. Clearly it's not that. But it's all building up inside her head.

It's all very conflicting. I think all of what fil has said is true. It's what he's not saying. He said she recognised him. So was that not always the case? Why say that?

But yes ignoring the increased confusion and mobility it doesn't sound serious. I can't imagine where the bleed is. Just been told both sides at front.

OP posts:

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 23:00

Absolutely agree dh needs to insist he talks to mum. I have thought this from the off.

Fil says she is confused and aggigtated so dh hasn't pushed it. I think he needs to insist.. if dad says no then it will be because she can't in which case it's time to just go I think. How can she be confused and agitated while reading the paper?

Video call might be a good idea?

OP posts:

Dabberlocks · 20/08/2025 23:05

I suspect that the FIL is also confused and agitated, and isn't really comprehending what is really going on.

I think your DH should go to see her asap.

Aspidistree · 20/08/2025 23:09

Maybe tell a white lie and say look I've got a couple of days booked off work anyway, is it all right if I pop up now while I'm off? They might find it easier to say yes to without him having to insist.

saraclara · 20/08/2025 23:11

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 23:00

Absolutely agree dh needs to insist he talks to mum. I have thought this from the off.

Video call might be a good idea?

My mum had a massive disabling stroke that left her physically helpless for the rest of her life. But it didn't affect her reading ability and she was reading in hospital when I first got to visit her.

But yes, if there are ongoing new bleeds he absolutely should go.

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 20/08/2025 23:19

I agree. I think there are questions fil is avoiding asking. Dh asked some more direct questions. Fil has read and not replied.

Even asking why has she been moved to pre op? I don't know if he has asked if pre op is because she possibly waiting for another MDT for surgery.

Clearly that's on the table unless it's the only ward with a bed? But she has gone from MAU to pre op. I had a suspected stroke after my covid jab. I stayed on MAU for seven days then discharged.

I'm going from it's nothing to worrying the next call will be something horrible. But equally it could be she being discharged.

Honestly our gut is saying just go. There's zero reason for it impact mil negativity. Dh could pop in for 15 minutes to see her himself with his own eyes. Then he could talk to a nurse out of her earshot. Check dad isnt having a crisis and eating then come home all within one day ( but long drive). There's no reason it would upset her at all. It doesn't need to be a big deal.

OP posts:

Allmarbleslost · 21/08/2025 11:12

It sounds like FIL is more confused than MIL! DH needs to go and find out what's going on.

HeWhoWouldAValiantBe · 21/08/2025 12:24

What’s the downside to your DH going now? That his mum might be embarrassed or upset to see him when she’s in this state? I know my own parents would want to protect me as I am their child but you also get to a stage in life when you, as the child, are more capable than they are and have to make some decisions of your own. In this case, I would be making the decision to go and then deal with any fall out subsequently, especially as I strongly suspect that, once he is there, there won’t be any fall out as they will be relieved that there is someone else there. Your DH can also check on FIL - when did he last eat, sleep etc?

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 21/08/2025 21:25

Fil didn't reply to the direct questions. Dh has noticed the texts are signed off by fils actual name. Not dad. He only gets one update a day that doesn't answer any questions. Looks like we are just just getting the standard reply to all. More tests today. No Dr rounds and no news on the tests. Which is positive I guess.

OP posts:

Nearly50omg · 21/08/2025 22:06

Suspect he’s sending the same message to everyone as he can’t cope with the situation. You may find things are a lot worse than you suspect when you get there - if it was my mum I’d be in the car driving now!

Flip

1 2 3 4