When a ill relative says "don't visit" at what point would you ignore that?

[DyslexicPoster]

Not me and not my choice so in this case I will not be ignoring their wishes at all.

Mil has had a stroke. Yesterday told dh not to come up until he knew more. Mil has got worse over night. Dh won't go up unless he's cleared it with his dad. But he will go regardless of wishes at some point if things get much worse. At what point, I don't know as we hoping for the best right now.

Just wondering where it comes a point where you say "look dad, mums not going to be bouncing fit next week I want to see her with my own eyes"

If it was my mum in hospital I'd go straight away whatever she said. Things are not looking fantastic but not hideous either. Right now. Would only go against wishes if it was utterly bleak? Or respect wishes at all costs? If it was your parent and you was on good terms?

A previous relative we have done this for and didn't see them at all as was their wish. But you don't get closer than sibling, parent, child.

It's very much all being said because they don't want to put dh out. Not because he isn't welcome. His dad is totally burnt out by the sound of things.

Had this with gran. We was only asked to go once she had lost consciousness and on EOL pathway.

My grandad had a stroke that they thought wasn’t serious, lucky my family all rushed there as a week later he had a bigger one and passed away. I would always go as I would rather annoy them by turning up than missing my chance

Just go!
You’re uneasy, not getting a full picture. And your fil sounds like he needs some back up, even if he says he doesn’t. He must be exhausted too.

If it was a parent I'd probably go as soon as I knew they were ill, and would ignore requests to stay away. With another member of the family I'd probably be more reticent and take my lead from someone closer to them. However that approach may not be right for everyone.

There's things he is avoiding saying. Also things he is inadvertently letting slip that makes me worry, but I'm keeping those thoughts from dh. Because no one has said anything solid. Will see if we get an update on the tests today as surely the only two possibilities are it's stopped or it hasn't. As usual just got wait as fil not answering phone or replying to texts. If it's stopped just got to pray to God she doesn't discharge herself asap.

I have the gut feeling fil wants to keep everything at arms lenght right now. Maybe because going there during the week and taking emergency leave signals bad news. I really don't know, just guessing and clutching at straws. But going while his walls are up just feels like the wrong thing right now.

Your DH would get an accurate picture by ringing the ward and speaking to the staff on duty. Explain you are some distance away and not sure what to do.

I’d be heading there this weekend.

I also think he needs to go. Has he got a key to the house? I suspect DFIL hasn’t been keeping on top of things and that might be adding to him not wanting anyone to come.

So yes, DH should absolutely go but I would suggest going to the house first and checking that DFIL has food in, open the windows for a bit wash and change the bedding, empty the bins and generally get a feel for how they’ve been coping at home before going to the Hospital to see how his DM is.

My FIL was admitted last weekend and didn’t tell anyone. We found out Monday, we ignored him and visited. It turns out he’s got heart failure. Today they are turning off his life support.

If we’d listened to him my husband and siblings wouldn’t have been able to say goodbye. Go when you want.

Had an update and fil does sound confused. He didn't know what a stroke was until the Dr explained today. This is a man who has a degree and various senior management jobs. Although maybe most people don't know what a stroke is or wouldn't ask if it happened to nok? Maybe because I'm a scientist I find that odd? I'm going to bit insane with this right now.

Fil sounds very optimistic that it will be physio then home. But they are still investing the bleeds. Then everything else he said sounded to me like there might be long term damage. Who knows. Maybe it's the swelling. Told dh he absolutely needs to talk to the Dr or go up. Decided to be blunt and told him I suspect she has some sort of lasting damage done. Now he's gone radio silence on me.

Family!!

I am so sorry. Massive hugs. 💔

Is your FIL’s mental health declining but you haven’t noticed until now. DF could put on a front with me in early stages of dementia so I didn’t think it was that bad, DM now going through itand as she lives closer and I see her more regularly I can see how she is deteriorating more than say when other people visit her

DH needs to just go. FIL isn’t being forthcoming with information. DH will never forgive himself if he didn’t go and something major happened.

Dh hasn't expressed any concern in fil decline and saw him last month. But before then it was months since previous visit. My sister didn't see any decline in my mum either. Because she wouldn't accept it and saw her less

Better to evaluate at first hand than faffing around with half truths on the phone. Sounds like FIL isnt coping too well and he may need to check out how they both are. Back an overnight bag and get going before the BH traffic start Qing!

I so sorry Suffolk that must be so incredibly hard

Dh seems very hearted by fil update this morning. He thinks it's all sounding good. So still no plans to go. The plan now is go next weekend! When things are clearer / better / she's home??

Let's hope fil is right as to me, it does not sound good. At all. From.what I can make out its still bleeding ( they must be very minor bleeds surely?)

I have tried to gently say there's a possibility of some oxygen being cut off and your brain doesn't regrow but now I'm worried about dhs cognitive ability as that didn't seem to sink in.

If she deteriorates this week ( if we get told) I will try convince him again. Idk. I don't think she is in any immediate danger any more but I'm not sure she will 100% recover as she doesn't seem able to walk or self care fully.( but fil said there will be physio). I know its scary and it's easier to hide from it. But FML honestly. They are both shocking me this week.

Spoken to mil now. Although her speach is very clear it's very slow and fil was telling her what to say. She can't walk. Fil downplaying this and says she can walk but occasionally loses her legs.

Honestly it's not looking great. Still unsure if he is hoping it's just going to pass. I just have no idea when she will be home or how he is going to cope because even if she fully recovers it looks like it's not to be instant. Mil can't tell us what's happened. Fil still dodging the questions. Still sees no need for dh see them in person as he he do that once mil is home.

If she can't walk yet (is she having physio in hospital?) and her speech is affected (but not her ability to swallow? Has she been evaluated by a SALT?) then it sounds like the stroke may be near the Brocas area of her brain. She'll need physio/SALT and an evaluation of their home set up by an OT asap before she gets discharged so that any adjustments (handrails/downstairs bed etc) or extra care is in hand before she is discharged. Has your FIL the wherewithal to ask for this to be organised? How will FIL manage her care/toileting or is he in complete denial?

BTW it took my DM 6 months to recover her health from her first stroke. Her second took a lot longer. It's not an "instant" recovery even if you're very fit for your age.

Oh blimey OP what a heart wrenching scenario for you both. Sounds like FIL hasn’t got a full picture and your DH is minimising. Could you “overrule” them both and just go on your own?

I just don’t understand why he hasn’t visited and assessed for himself yet!

I ended up overriding with my DMIL when my DH had his head very firmly in the sand. DSIL wasn’t doing anything although I’ve no idea why and DFIL wanted her home which for many reasons wasn’t appropriate.

I would ring the ward in the morning and ask to speak to the Discharge Facilitator. They should be able to tell you what the plans are and you can make it clear that DFIL isn’t coping, which could lead to a “failed discharge”. She will need an OT assessment in the home and a care package.

Your DH seems as reluctant to visit as your FIL seems to be at providing information.

I think for your own sanity you need to accept you’ve done all you can and whatever happens you tried. If you are particularly close to your MIL just go yourself.

I’m not sure what the phrase “it’s not looking good” means in the context of your updates particularly given what it’s based on.

She is having physio. Fil said that they didn't seem to belive fil that her legs buckle and she fell and fil caught her.

When I say it doesn't look I mean to me she hasn't been able to walk since the stroke. Her ability to talk fluently isn't there. Yes it's clear but there's clearly processing issues. Whether that's bruising or more permanent I can't know. But that with fil lack of reply about the scan and how long it bleed for etc I feel he hasn't asked. Of course no Dr can reassure him if she will fully recover. I fear she will need care and I suspect fil won't cope with that. They have a open plan downstairs for a start.

Dh is going within 20 miles of their house when he drops ds to uni so the current plan is pop in on the ruse of passing. Might be the only way. Dh asked to talk to mil again when she woke up but fil never called back..

I don't feel it's my place to visit honestly. Dh and fil have some of fil in denial/ gatekeeping thing going on. Dh has gone a bit submissive to him.

I think because the fear of her dieing has passed its back to give it time she will be home soon then it's just rest. Of course I fear permanent brain damage because that's possible after a stroke.

If you are asked not to go, you don't go. At all. Either the patient or their closest person (eg spouse) needs to have their wishes respected, and privacy is very important.

I was beginning to despair of anyone voicing this point of view. The tone of the majority of these responses is so depressing - patronising and ageist. I’m in my 70s and if I say I don’t want visitors I would expect my wishes to be respected.