Mother has upset me…again

[PoisedUmberKoala]

Hi all,
I’ve been reading Mumsnet for many years, but this is my first post. I didn’t think I ever would post, but feel I need other’s opinions on this one.
I have a daughter who has just turned 21. My mother has done a lot of things throughout her life that has undermined me as a parent, and always trying to one-up me constantly. I won’t go into the history here, but feel at some point I do need to speak to someone about it.
The most recent incident was a few days ago which is eating me up and I’m not sleeping.
We were planning a short trip for September (me, my mother and daughter) and I was struggling to get the time off at work. There was a mention of them two going alone if they wanted, but my daughter made a comment saying ‘we wouldn’t want to go without you’. The last conversation I had with my mother I told her I could only get the 8th off and we were talking of a long weekend, and I was going away to price things up and so was she.
The next thing my daughter comes home Thursday evening and says ‘me and Nan have booked a holiday, we’re going to Egypt’. I think she saw my shock and maybe upset and said ‘are you sure you can’t get the time off?’
My mother hasn’t messaged me or anything to say. I haven’t brought my feelings up to either of them, but feel really hurt. I feel bringing it up is pointless and will just make me out to be overreacting. I haven’t slept properly since and keep going over this and previous things she has done.
I suppose I’m here just seeking others opinions on if I’m right to feel wronged here or if I am overreacting. I don’t think I would confront either about it, and I know when they do go away it is going to be worse, and I don’t want to seem bitter at that point either.
Any advice or experiences welcome
Thank you

Why are you assuming the long weekend is off the table?

It is okay to feel hurt, especially if it’s a pattern of exclusion. That being said, I would try to remind myself (for my own well being) that your daughter loves you and that won’t change because of one holiday with grandma.

They did break protocol as one should let the other person know of booking before going ahead. But as trips run out and plane rides rise in price and deals are quick, I can also see why they went ahead. Especially if they already knew you wouldn’t be able to make a trip this year and assumed that you’d do a long weekend together instead at some point.

Sometimes we are careless to communicate with our families and take for granted they will be understanding. And sometimes we are shy to communicate with our mums as we already know that they might be hurt. I bet your daughter care about your feelings but sometimes that can make it harder to bring things up in a way.

It’s okay to let them know you’d preferred if they’d kept you in the loop. Maybe it will help them be more considerate next time.

Your mum will probably keep her behaviour of doing things that upstage you. Maybe a broader conversation is needed there although I doubt it will change things. Does she have any motivation for such behaviour? ( like Making up for lost time with you or with her own mum or not having a good relationship with her own grandma and now wanting to be a very present grandmother herself? Gaining self worth from always correcting/guiding or being better than you?)

Thoughtless of both. Hopefully dd will mature?

@PoisedUmberKoala do you have friends to go away with? Or go alone.

You can absolutely address this with dd - “dd, I’ve taken a few days to process but I’m deeply hurt that you planned a trip without me despite the conversation we’d had 2 days earlier. You’ve excluded me and then told me in a way that makes me realise you’re oblivious to how hurtful your actions are. It’s going to take me some time but you need to be aware I’m upset”