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Original poster

A friend has asked me to be discreet when I meet his new "GF"

108 replies

Patchworkted · 13/08/2025 14:29

Friend and GF are probably both a bit strong, but someone I know was telling me about two women he is seeing, having met them OLD. He likes them both, seeing how it goes, all perfectly normal. Neither knows about the other but neither have they had any discussion about exclusivity, they're probably seeing others too.

For the sake of transparency, I'm not this man's biggest fan. I find him chauvinistic (probably misogynistic), he's certainly enjoying the idea of having 2 women on the go. Middle aged man, who loves a bit of mansplaining.

Anyway I'll meet one of the women at an event at the weekend, and he's messaged me asking me not to mention the other.

Now, for a start it wouldn't occur to me to mention her anyway, so I'm a bit offended he's felt the need to ask, but also, whilst if I'd thought about it, I have agreed this is how it is in the early days, especially with OLD, now I feel like I'm being asked to keep a big dirty secret.

How would you see it?

Edited to add, now I've read it back, I think he's probably messaged me to demonstrate what a stud he is with all these women after him 😆

OP posts:
DoAWheelie · 13/08/2025 14:31

I'd "accidentally" call her the other girls name a few times.

Grellow · 13/08/2025 14:33

You’re massively overthinking it because you don’t like him. He’s not to know it wouldn’t occur to you not to mention anything. He’s entitled to hedge his bets whilst he’s not agreed to see either woman exclusively.

Original poster
Patchworkted · 13/08/2025 14:36

Grellow · 13/08/2025 14:33

You’re massively overthinking it because you don’t like him. He’s not to know it wouldn’t occur to you not to mention anything. He’s entitled to hedge his bets whilst he’s not agreed to see either woman exclusively.

Yes, but if it's all above board, why wouldn't she know he's seeing others?

OP posts:
LavaHoover · 13/08/2025 14:47

I agree with you. If they're still on the first couple of dates it's fine not to be exclusive, but both parties should know they're not exclusive. Not being upfront is deceitful.
I would just refuse to meet her, or if that's not possible, tell him you won't bring it up but neither will you lie if the subject comes up.

hidingalot · 13/08/2025 14:56

If a man knew that a woman another man was interested in was dating other men, you can bet your life he’d warn the other man.
Why don’t woman look out for each other the way men do?

DiordreBarlow · 13/08/2025 14:57

chauvinistic
probably misogynistic
he's certainly enjoying the idea of having 2 women on the go
loves a bit of mansplaining

He sounds horrible. I'd be avoiding like the plague at the event and in general.

Original poster
Patchworkted · 13/08/2025 15:01

DiordreBarlow · 13/08/2025 14:57

chauvinistic
probably misogynistic
he's certainly enjoying the idea of having 2 women on the go
loves a bit of mansplaining

He sounds horrible. I'd be avoiding like the plague at the event and in general.

Yes, I do my best. He's one of those jovial larger than life types that "everyone" loves, but makes my skin crawl. Unfortunately we have lots of overlapping friends and aquaintances.

OP posts:
Dabberlocks · 13/08/2025 15:01

Just message back saying you couldn't be less interested in his love life if you tried, and it wouldn't occur to you to say anything anyway.

Fishfungus · 13/08/2025 15:04

Ugh - what a catch! If you like her and she seems too good for him, then I would accidentally on purpose mention the other woman he’s dating somehow 😀

frozendaisy · 13/08/2025 15:15

“Maybe you’ll be the one to tame him who knows ha ha ha”.
“ he’s would be too much of a handful for me”

something like that

all said very sweetly but just enough to plant doubts in her head but nothing that you can be accused of sabotage for. IF it comes up

mumda · 13/08/2025 15:19

"Which one are you?"

niadainud · 13/08/2025 15:27

When did dating multiple people become an accepted thing? If he's middle-aged and dating women or a similar age I don't think they will necessarily be expecting that - I know I wouldn't - and it won't have been the done thing when he was younger. (Although by the sounds of him he's the type to expect to find a girlfriend who's at least a decade younger.)

JHound · 13/08/2025 15:40

I would call her the other woman’s name. Or likely would prefer not meet her.

I think these women think it’s more serious than he is claiming

JHound · 13/08/2025 15:42

niadainud · 13/08/2025 15:27

When did dating multiple people become an accepted thing? If he's middle-aged and dating women or a similar age I don't think they will necessarily be expecting that - I know I wouldn't - and it won't have been the done thing when he was younger. (Although by the sounds of him he's the type to expect to find a girlfriend who's at least a decade younger.)

With OLD.

I think because you meet as strangers people don’t close their options off till they know it is going somewhere.

However for me that meant one or two dates of multi dating max. Not meeting friends and going to events together!

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 13/08/2025 15:44

You don't owe him discretion and he's got no right to demand it of you, seeing as he was happy to blab to you.

Refuse to be put in an awkward position. If he leaves you with her, immediately excuse yourself for the toilet or something.

It all sounds like a lot of drama over someone you don't know very well/ don't seem to even like.

Original poster
Patchworkted · 13/08/2025 15:44

niadainud · 13/08/2025 15:27

When did dating multiple people become an accepted thing? If he's middle-aged and dating women or a similar age I don't think they will necessarily be expecting that - I know I wouldn't - and it won't have been the done thing when he was younger. (Although by the sounds of him he's the type to expect to find a girlfriend who's at least a decade younger.)

Yes, I don't know either. When I was young, you were "two timing" if you saw more than one person, even if you'd only had one or two dates and nothing physical.

But it does seem, at least from what I've learned on MN, that this is the norm in OLD and you have to have a conversation to become exclusive.

OP posts:
neverhappenedtopablopicasso · 13/08/2025 15:46

I'm mid-40s and have been with DH since the late 00s, and even back then it was pretty standard that you weren't exclusive until you have a chat about it, probably a couple of months in. It was the same as in my even younger pre-online days. It's not new.

There were definitely early days after I'd met DH where we were both "seeing a friend" that night, which I think is fine because we hadn't had the chat! I mean, maybe he was meeting friends but I definitely went on a couple more dates. The "friends" in question have mysteriously never been mentioned again in almost 20 years...

As for OP, unless he's extremely inexperienced in dating, it's not about the girls, your male friend is showing off to you.

MounjaroMounjaro · 13/08/2025 15:47

I agree - I think it's really tough nowadays that people have to have the exclusivity conversation (which might not go the way they expect) rather than assume someone's faithful to you if you've been dating for months and sleeping together.

YourBrickTiger · 13/08/2025 15:56

DoAWheelie · 13/08/2025 14:31

I'd "accidentally" call her the other girls name a few times.

I remember this happened in Frasier and Martin had two women on the go called Estelle and Penelope. He got one mixed up with the other and ended up calling her 'Estenelope'.

Katieandmikeysittinginatree · 13/08/2025 15:57

If you don’t like him why are you meeting his ‘gf’?

Original poster
Patchworkted · 13/08/2025 15:58

Katieandmikeysittinginatree · 13/08/2025 15:57

If you don’t like him why are you meeting his ‘gf’?

I'll be at an event they'll both be at.

I doubt I'll be having any in depth conversation with her, which makes him asking even odder.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 13/08/2025 15:59

DoAWheelie · 13/08/2025 14:31

I'd "accidentally" call her the other girls name a few times.

I had a lodger years ago who was seeing two women at the same time – both called Alison. A few years later I got a call from Alison to say that he had died suddenly...I never knew which one it was that called me.

TesChique · 13/08/2025 16:12

DoAWheelie · 13/08/2025 14:31

I'd "accidentally" call her the other girls name a few times.

Course you would

hidingalot · 13/08/2025 16:13

Patchworkted · 13/08/2025 15:58

I'll be at an event they'll both be at.

I doubt I'll be having any in depth conversation with her, which makes him asking even odder.

Show quote history

Hopefully she’ll also be at that event with a nice guy she’s met.

Peaceandlabradors · 13/08/2025 16:19

I would reply that it’s an event and does he appreciate that the earth goes around the sun in orbit not the men in our lives so he is highly unlikely to be brought up.