A friend has asked me to be discreet when I meet his new "GF"

[Patchworkted]

Friend and GF are probably both a bit strong, but someone I know was telling me about two women he is seeing, having met them OLD. He likes them both, seeing how it goes, all perfectly normal. Neither knows about the other but neither have they had any discussion about exclusivity, they're probably seeing others too.

For the sake of transparency, I'm not this man's biggest fan. I find him chauvinistic (probably misogynistic), he's certainly enjoying the idea of having 2 women on the go. Middle aged man, who loves a bit of mansplaining.

Anyway I'll meet one of the women at an event at the weekend, and he's messaged me asking me not to mention the other.

Now, for a start it wouldn't occur to me to mention her anyway, so I'm a bit offended he's felt the need to ask, but also, whilst if I'd thought about it, I have agreed this is how it is in the early days, especially with OLD, now I feel like I'm being asked to keep a big dirty secret.

How would you see it?

Edited to add, now I've read it back, I think he's probably messaged me to demonstrate what a stud he is with all these women after him 😆

Be reasonable, no one who does this actually tells the people that they are dating that they are doing it,

Fine.
But only if you’ve made it clear that’s how you work and both parties have agreed to it.
So in this case, the women would need to have agreed to not be exclusive even though they’ve had sex already. Even though they’re meeting his wider circle of friends. Even though it’s been more than a few weeks (define few weeks too)

I don’t think’ this man has if he is asking people to keep their mouth shut.
But rather he us coming out as wanting his cake and eat it, whilst faking a depth in the relationship that just isn’t there.

The temptation to pre-empt would be strong with, "Oh, you must be (other woman's name), I've heard so much about you!" Gushing.

No, don't do that. Would be fun, but don't.

Maybe not, but if it's an accepted norm, why would it matter if it slipped out?

So … are they lying?
Putting the women in a position where they aren’t allowed to either want more (exclusivity) or to be upset if he isn’t exclusive?

If you dint feel comfortable saying you’re still seeing people it’s because you know well those people wouldn’t be happy about it. At that point, it’s lying/taking advantage of them

It reminds me when I was mid 20s and I was swimming.
The coach was strongly hitting on me. He was way over 40yo.
And then told me I had to be careful with what I was saying because his wife was there too 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Agree, if you're not sure what to do then ask yourself 'what would a man do' and do that. Men generally prioritise their own interests and women should do the same!

I was in a similar situation, I phoned the wife up and told her that he was hitting on me, he was very put out😂

Stop with the faux naivety

‘Hi - nice to meet you. Which one are you again? David did mention but I’m hopeless with names!’

Have they had the exclusivity conversation? maybe they haven’t even slept together

No one knows whether he is denying them exclusivity…..where are you getting this from??!?

So, are you booty call number one, or booty call number two? So silly, but I keep getting you confused.

Just avoid the couple at the event.
if he’s hiding something, someone will blab at some point. Just make sure you’re nowhere near it.
He’s obviously arrogant enough to think he can be duplicitous and rely on his loyal gang to support him.

You mean it’s normal to meet all the friends etc…. before you’ve had sex? Because a meet up with all his friends is the perfect date night right?

Ofc no one knows either way. Nor you nor me.

But if he wants people to not talk about tge ither woman, then something is going on don’t you think?
Otherwise why woukd he need to ask that?

But it's none of their business during the early days and especially before sex. None of their business whatsoever.

Why do women think this is acceptable. If he's asked you not to mention the other one it's because he knows it's wrong. He knows they both wouldn't be ok with it or at least this one wouldn't.

why do you refer to this guy as a your friend when you clearly don’t like him much?

i’d stay out of it

No, in the early days and especially pre-sex, you owe no one anything.

I wouldn't be doing interlocking lives and meeting all the friends before we were exclusive, though. That sort of thing is for exclusivity, imo.

Who knows and I’m really not going to spend time mulling over it either

At the end of the day, the OP said this man is a bit of a chauvinist / misogynistic so any woman with eyes in her head / half a brain would know not to trust him……if you sleep with dogs you will more than likely catch fleas

The way I do things, it wouldn't matter, really. With my current FWB, I have made it very clear that although I like him tons, I do not want any commitment whatsoever after being a terrible longterm marriage. Just in case he decides he likes me as more than a FWB, he knows where he stands. And I've been very clear that I NEVER EVER want to co-habit with a man again, much less marry. We don't talk about any others we might be dating. We know we are not committed, and it's bad form to talk about others.

How your friend has arranged things though, I don't know. It might well be that he has led her on to think that they are committed. But who knows? You really don't know what their situation is, so you should probably just stay out of it. For all you know, she's dating three men at once! And good for her, if so. I'm tired of women being claimed and shut off from all other men in the early days, often for someone who has no intention of marrying her or committing to her anyway. 😡 Keep your options open in case something better comes along, I say. Sick of women being expected to do the whole angel act. 😡😡😡

One thousand percent. I'm no angel and I wouldn't want to be. If I could get enough men interested in me, I'd be dating up a storm.

But I'm 100 percent faithful once committed.

That’s just being misleading for no reason, though - if you have no issues with dating multiple people then surely you’d also have no issues in being upfront about it and people can take it or leave it.

I think you blurting out he’s seeing two women wouldn’t be the best introduction would it? I personally don’t like this whole you can date a few people at once until the exclusivity chat. I personally wouldn’t date two people. If i was going on a second date with someone, then i’d pause my online dating account as it would feel wrong.!

I agree.

Not laying bare your soul and telling someone everything about your life when you're just getting to know them is not treating someone indecently. Your private life is NONE of their business in the early days and even until you've defined the relationship. In a casual relationship, you don't owe anyone anything.

You should not lead someone on to think that you are more committed to them than you are. And you should be totally faithful once exclusive.

Men want to ringfence you asap, and it's not on. Most of them have no intention of committing to you anyway, so they can sod off with the lassos.

I'm 51, almost through the change, hormonal, and divorced. I'm my own person and all these men trying to push you into things can do one. 😡

In theory, you're right. In practice, people's egos and selfishness get in the way. Everyone wants to be your one and only from the off, while not committing themselves. It's human nature.

And you're wrong - on the contrary, I am VERY careful not to mislead anyone. Not only have I told current FWB that I never, ever want to marry or co-habit again, I reiterate it at intervals.

I would not meet the guy's friends or family. I would not future-fake. I would not see them multiple times a week. I would not do anything to make them think we have any more commitment than we do.