A friend has asked me to be discreet when I meet his new "GF"

[Patchworkted]

Friend and GF are probably both a bit strong, but someone I know was telling me about two women he is seeing, having met them OLD. He likes them both, seeing how it goes, all perfectly normal. Neither knows about the other but neither have they had any discussion about exclusivity, they're probably seeing others too.

For the sake of transparency, I'm not this man's biggest fan. I find him chauvinistic (probably misogynistic), he's certainly enjoying the idea of having 2 women on the go. Middle aged man, who loves a bit of mansplaining.

Anyway I'll meet one of the women at an event at the weekend, and he's messaged me asking me not to mention the other.

Now, for a start it wouldn't occur to me to mention her anyway, so I'm a bit offended he's felt the need to ask, but also, whilst if I'd thought about it, I have agreed this is how it is in the early days, especially with OLD, now I feel like I'm being asked to keep a big dirty secret.

How would you see it?

Edited to add, now I've read it back, I think he's probably messaged me to demonstrate what a stud he is with all these women after him 😆

Don't reply to the message and at the event say hi with a smile that doesn't reach your eyes and move on. He sounds like an arsehole.

He sounds like a bit of a pig. Ick.

😂

Message back..
"TMI and Since you think I'm such a blabber mouth, its probably better if you avoid me entirely at the event then."

Sounds to me like they have had the exclusivity chat and he's lied, otherwise he wouldn't be concerned.

I'd ignore the message, you'd be unlikely to bring up the other one in conversation anyway.

Because some people want you to be the only person you're seeing right from the off, which is unreasonable. Just because they consider themselves locked in from the first date and want you to be, too, doesn't mean you have to go along with that, if you haven't agreed to be exclusive. I also think that telling each other that you're seeing others spoils the romance. Just assume that everyone is seeing others until you have the exclusivity talk. This guy isn't doing anything wrong, imo. It's early days and he probably doesn't want to introduce negativity into either courtship. Some people really don't take the "seeing others" thing well. Years ago, I met someone and from the start, I said I would be seeing others, as we'd only just met. He was off like a shot, lol! I guess he thought I should be devoted only to him before I even knew him. Sod that.

Lots of overlapping friends? OP, just do as he asks and stay out of it. They're not in a committed relationship. Just chill.

There are very few advantages to being old, but when I read about dating, it makes me glad I am. At least we could be fairly certain we were the only girlfriend, rather than men treating old like a sweetie shop.

Yes, me too. This isn't a recent thing at all.

I agree it sounds like the woman this guy's bringing does believe they're exclusive, though. I certainly wouldn't be making him any promises (or threats). He needs to run his own love life!

Because some people want you to be the only person you're seeing right from the off, which is unreasonable

I see it differently. How can you "grow" something with someone when your attentions are divided like that? If someone wanted to hang out with me as a friend and see if anything develops, fair enough, they can do what they like. But if we're actually dating, I don't want to just be someones "option". Either they like me enough to pursue me (without distraction) or they don't. I'm not doing a "pick me" dance. And yes, I would treat them in the same manner. But then I am in my mid 50s and in my dating days "exclusivity chats" just weren't needed. It was assumed if someone was going to the trouble of dating you, they were interested in seeing where it went. Not juggling you with numerous other dates. If they were, then they were just deemed as "players".

OP, I think he is just trying to "brag" by telling you this. He clearly thinks he's some sort of stud 🙄

This is perfect

Don't reply to the message at all...it's not worth dignifying with an answer and it sounds like he could do with being left to sweat a bit.

A PP mentioned two timing...I'd be tempted to say nothing but hum this annoyingly here and there:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PbkInTnNQ28

I think it’s ok to see more than one person if it’s very early days. But surely you wouldn’t introduce a date to your friends unless you’d been dating a while. And if you thought your friends would mention other people you’re seeing, either your “friends” are purposely trying to cause problems, or you know you’re doing something underhand and you’re asking them to keep a secret

Yes, in ‘my day’ it was unwritten if you went on a date you weren’t seeing other people, even from the off.

You don't have to do it like that though. You could just say you want exclusivity from the beginning and take it or leave it.

So from then on you decided to be dishonest about it?

Oh this 100%

"Chloe! So lovely to meet you. I've heard SO much about you! Oh? Holly?? Ooops sorry. Lovely to meet you, er, Holly".

Of course. In the early weeks of dating, and certainly pre-sex, you owe no one anything. I wasn't going to let myself be held back because of someone else's over-developed ego. Until you're committed or exclusive, your life is your own.

I think so too. Why is he stressing if he's not doing anything wrong? It's the equivalent of men claiming they're in an open marriage (but he's the only one who knows that).

And if he were truly multi-dating, she could be replaced pretty quickly if she had a problem with it. He obviously knows that she'd be upset to find out.

Surely the transparent thing to do in these situations is to be honest about what you’re up to even if it “spoils the romance”? Then the other person can decide if they’re okay with it or not.

I think we should treat everyone decently, bar some awful bastards I suppose.

So why would it matter if an aquaintance let slip that you were seeing others?

Exactly this!

You're coming across as a bit two-faced really.

"Neither knows about the other but neither have they had any discussion about exclusivity, they're probably seeing others too."

Then you go on about how he probably enjoys having 2 women on the go (errrr, yeah, why wouldn't he?)

And then how he thinks he's such a stud.

He's just doing what you said the women are probably also doing 🤷‍♂️

I don't even know why you're overthinking this or thinking about it at all really, unless there's nothing going on in your own life?

I wouldn't necessarily think anything of it if I somehow discovered that someone had met 2 people through OLD and had "seen" them each a few times during the same time period. I would think a lot of it if that someone was recruiting his acquaintances to deliberately pretend that one (or both) of those "relationships" is monogamous. It's deceitful. And if he's having sex with two people without revealing that, he's an arsehole.