A friend has asked me to be discreet when I meet his new "GF"

[Patchworkted]

Friend and GF are probably both a bit strong, but someone I know was telling me about two women he is seeing, having met them OLD. He likes them both, seeing how it goes, all perfectly normal. Neither knows about the other but neither have they had any discussion about exclusivity, they're probably seeing others too.

For the sake of transparency, I'm not this man's biggest fan. I find him chauvinistic (probably misogynistic), he's certainly enjoying the idea of having 2 women on the go. Middle aged man, who loves a bit of mansplaining.

Anyway I'll meet one of the women at an event at the weekend, and he's messaged me asking me not to mention the other.

Now, for a start it wouldn't occur to me to mention her anyway, so I'm a bit offended he's felt the need to ask, but also, whilst if I'd thought about it, I have agreed this is how it is in the early days, especially with OLD, now I feel like I'm being asked to keep a big dirty secret.

How would you see it?

Edited to add, now I've read it back, I think he's probably messaged me to demonstrate what a stud he is with all these women after him 😆

I felt like that when I'm younger. Now that I'm 51 and know how badly people can let you down, I don't trust them not to waste my time until we know each other much better. I wouldn't give up my freedom immediately. If you're OK with quickly giving up your freedom for someone you barely know, you do you, but at my age I've learned that that's a route to disappointment, often.

👏 👏 Love this!

I've told FWB multiple times that I'm trying to see others. No one's worked out yet, but if someone came along that I liked, I wouldn't hesitate. I'm single. We had a massive, massive sesh Sat night. But both of us are still single. I wouldn't tell him if I went out with someone else. He knows we have no commitment and it would take the shine off what we have. Plus it's none of his business.

If these men had to work a bit harder to gain our exclusivity, maybe they'd treat us better. 😡

Call me old-fashioned. But when I first started dating and it wasn't that long ago less than twenty years when you started dating someone it was implied you were exclusive and it would be bad form to be seeing or talking to anyone else.

What happened to 1 relationship at a time. If it doesn't work out or you re not right you will know pretty quickly and then you can find somebody else. I just can't abide by this finding someone you like, well enough to keep seeing from multiple dates and you keep looking and doing the same with other people. It's reduced dating to nothing more than a sweet shop.

When people are expected to be exclusive from the start, they can get trapped in the wrong relationships. It was as you describe when I was young, too, and I think it was wrong.

And sometimes you don't keep seeing people for multiple dates because you think they might be The One and you want lots of commitment out of them. Sometimes they're just a good friend and also good in bed! 🥳

I don't agree with that.We must have had very different experiences.

I never got trapped in a relationship.I didn't want to be in. I've had loads of short term relationships.I'm talking from like, three months to eight or nine months.

It's quite common to have some relationships of that length. That's what I meant when I said you realise pretty quickly if you're not right for each other. All that said although we ultimately weren't right for each other. I don't harbour any negative feelings for my short. Term relationships, it was fun while it lasted, although we didn't have enough compatibility to even last a year, they weren't bad relationships.Just didn't work out.

I can't imagine carrying on dating lots of different people at the same time as then I think it would all get a bit much and a bit confusing.

But I never once got trapped into a relationship.I didn't want to be in just because I had chosen to be exclusively dating that person from the start. It is pretty easy to end a relationship in the earlier stages, before you re living together

@Horsie you seem to be going through something but this thread isn’t about you personally. Chill.

Ah I hadnt 'picked up on that.

The thing is, women have less time than ever these days to find the right one. We're expected to get educated, have careers, have enough to buy a house, have the right partner in place, and then somehow fit in two children (as the majority want) before we're too old. Remaining open to dating others until you meet someone you want to commit to is an efficient way to maximise your chances of meeting the right person.

If you are young, and can afford to waste 3-9 months here and there, over and over, great. But many can't.

Also, I don't think most people are dating lots of people. You have to find someone you actually like and they have to be single and like you back. It's a tall order. I think the very most I could ever juggle would be three, and I've never had that opportunity!

💖💖💖

That's only if you define yourself based on what you think women should do.

For me, I think fuck that for a game of soldiers. What a depressing outlook for life just to involve a career meeting a partner, settling down getting married and squeezing out two kids.

If you see yourself as having a shelf life for not being able to do all that well that's your attitude.

I want to live life, not follow a set of society imposed rules that you think you should follow. And by your own admission, you ve never made multi dating happen.So what's your point. It's not as easy as you think.

But how can you know if you want to grow something with them until you know them better? That takes a few months, at least. I wouldn't want to invest time into someone exclusively until I knew them better and thought they were something special. Maybe it's just me, but when I see someone exclusively, I put my heart on the line much more so than when I keep things on a more casual footing. And it's not sensible to put your heart on the line for someone you don't really know.

Sadly, it's the limitations of our biology that are responsible - that is, if you want a kid or two.

The fact that house prices are through the roof and lots of men don't want to commit hardly helps.

Those things lead to the scenario above, if you want more than one kid especially. They're not internally imposed, they're imposed by external things.

My whole point is that I don't think people should be held back by someone they hardly know and who may have zero intention of committing to you anyway.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

But this is so circular.If you don't want to be held back by someone you hardly know.How will you ever get to know anyone well unless you take a risk?

Life is all about risk. When some you lose some
I don't think that dating multiple people at a time is conducive to finding a stable relationship with a view to getting a house and two kids, quite the opposite, in fact.

You've clearly got an agenda here, and you're intent on derailing the thread.So I won't respond to you again

Because people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say. So it’s sensitive not to mention it at this stage.

Eh? I am not intent on derailing the thread. I don't know why you're so angry. I'm just saying I don't think it's a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket, especially when you don't know the basket. Quite sensible, I'd have thought. 🤷‍♀️

“Ah you must be <insert name of other one>, Steve’s always going on about you…”

What are you talking about? That poster is just sharing her opinion 😕

Because he knows you'd actually relish in shit stirring?

?? Of course SINGLE people can go on dates with multiple people? You’re exclusive with first dates?

But if it’s the norm, why would he care about another woman being mentioned? He has obviously given this woman the impression that they are exclusive, implying it or not responding to a question rather than saying it directly. I’ve dated men like this. If they want you to lie or not mention something, in my opinion it’s in the territory of cheating. Otherwise, why would it be an issue?

I would generally just go on one date at a time, yes. Be chatting to a few people online, meet them for a drink or whatever but how is that going on dates with multiple people? If one was leading somewhere then I’d stop going on first dates with new people?

Haha. I've since learned he's sent the same message to at least 3 other people who were there when he was telling us about these dates and will be at the event this weekend.