DS’s white lie put me in tricky spot

[TangledWeb6]

My DS13 has a good friend who lives around the corner from us. The boys go to different schools.

I received a text from the friend’s mum last night. She said she had been speaking to her DS and he told her that my DS receives similar results to him- mainly C’s and Ds. She asked if we could meet up and have a chat about how best to help our sons with tutors and how to navigate academics at school. She said all of her DS’s cousins and other friends seemed to have no struggles at all at school and she felt a bit isolated-she would love to catch up with someone who was in a similar situation with an academically struggling son. It was a really reaching out heartfelt text.

Except my DS does not struggle academically. He is a straight A academic scholarship holding student who is likely to receive the year level dux this year. I asked him what he was playing at and he said that his friend was so down and he just downplayed his results to make his friend feel better.

The funny thing is her son has such people skills, charm and grit that he is likely to end up the most successful of all his cousins and friends (including my son) but that would just sound patronising if I said this to her. Argh. My son is a complete wally.

What on earth do I tell the mum? My son lied because he felt sorry for your son? The poor woman has reached out about something and I can’t continue with the lie- she will find out eventually and it would just be wrong. Obviously DS has to fess up to his mate, but how do I respond to the mum who just poured out her worries to me as she thought I was a fellow traveler?

I think just be honest and include what you said here about charm and grit. Maybe try a rough draft here and hopefully other posters can help you get the wording just right - it is very awkward.

Something like this?Argh I hate this.

“Hi X. Thanks for your text. Raising teenagers can be challenging! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. I’ve had a word to him about being more honest with his mates. Results aside and without wanting to downplay your concerns, I was saying to my DH recently that your DS is going to be the most successful of all the boys! I saw his lawn mowing flyers at the shops and was most impressed. He’s got all the charm and grit. I would love to catch up to chat about the boys and our teenage challenges- I just wanted to be upfront and apologise for DS giving the wrong impression about his results. Let me know if yiu want to catch up”

I’d be proud if my son a little bit for trying to make her son feel ok. Do you happen to know any others who are struggling? They can’t all be straight a students in the year.

id break the news that your son told a white lie, but then at the same time say but actually say Jane is happy to chat, soften the blow with a solution for her.

Also I think I’d call or pop over rather than text that all back, I’d say can we can we have a call and say her text was lovely etc.

I think your draft is good. Text better so she's got time to digest the info/no doubt sadly feel a bit embarrassed, not put on the spot by a call.

rather heart breaking really, kind of your son but now in a tricky spot.
do you know any tutors or apps that are used by your son/classmates etc.?

"Ds has had really good results and your son has fantastic qualities beyond this. They'll always be supportive to each other and friendship goes a long way.
Yes let's have a chat that would be lovely "

Your son was trying to to make his friend feel better that’s a great quality in him, yes your reply is lovely.

Just write the first bit fessing up and explaining why he lied and say you’re always happy to catch up anyway.

Stop at the bit about your son being more honest and don’t include all the other stuff about her son’s other skills and talents. It sounds condescending.

Unless she’s very sensitive about this she’ll probably laugh it off.

No advice but what a lovely son you have. xxx

Honestly this sounds like a storm in a teacup.

dont reply to her. Just encourage your son to tell the truth? She’ll hear it via her her son.

I would invite her for coffee and listen, and then explain to her. But also support her. It sounds like she needs kindness and she’s going to feel so bummed getting a text which essentially says your son is a straight A student. It will create space for offending each other & falling out, At least in person you can position it nicely, and also ask her if she wants her son to know the truth or not.

This is way too long and sounds desperate. Just say ‘Hi, my son told a white lie because he’s predicted As and Bs. Not sure why he downplayed his results!’ Leave it like that. In your draft, you downplay your son’s achievements and spend most of the text praising your son’s friend and asking the mum to be your friend.

I thought your message was lovely.

So nice to read a thread where everyone involved seems really lovely - kudos to you for taking the honest option, your message sounds great.

I think your text sounds good - I don’t think you’re downplaying your son’s ability, just being sensitive to another mum worried about her child. There’s no need to tell her your son is a straight A student. I’d invite her to coffee and have a chat, as you have done. Or use your text as the base of a call - sometimes a conversation is better when it’s a bit tricky.

I think you should front the message with the bit where you say yes, you’d love to meet up. Think about how the reader will experience reading the message.

Something that says “yes let’s meet, my son’s been a bit of a silly goose, yours is fab, a chat about how we help them both would be good” will land better, I think.

From my view your message is far too long and sounds a bit patronising. Also I wonder if your son should tell the truth to his friend first.

I wouldn’t mention your DS’s good results . I don’t think there’s any need. I’d just say to be honest I’d rather not get too involved in his academic life and leave it at that. You’re not obliged to go along with what she wants in anyway or explain!!

What I’m saying is you are allowed some privacy - neither you or your son have to reveal everything !

I think this is perfect and that you sound like a kind and thoughtful person.

I would take out the line ‘I’ve had a word with him about being more honest with his mates’. Otherwise, nice message. It’s the kindof essay I would write! Or maybe leave off the lawnmower flyers bit?

Good message OP

Have to say, your son sounds lovely.

Hope the boys don’t fall out over this tbh

I think your message is kind but too much. Even if your son was struggling, you're not obliged to discuss that with anyone else. I'd try to side step.