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Original poster

DS’s white lie put me in tricky spot

81 replies

TangledWeb6 · 11/08/2025 03:12

My DS13 has a good friend who lives around the corner from us. The boys go to different schools.

I received a text from the friend’s mum last night. She said she had been speaking to her DS and he told her that my DS receives similar results to him- mainly C’s and Ds. She asked if we could meet up and have a chat about how best to help our sons with tutors and how to navigate academics at school. She said all of her DS’s cousins and other friends seemed to have no struggles at all at school and she felt a bit isolated-she would love to catch up with someone who was in a similar situation with an academically struggling son. It was a really reaching out heartfelt text.

Except my DS does not struggle academically. He is a straight A academic scholarship holding student who is likely to receive the year level dux this year. I asked him what he was playing at and he said that his friend was so down and he just downplayed his results to make his friend feel better.

The funny thing is her son has such people skills, charm and grit that he is likely to end up the most successful of all his cousins and friends (including my son) but that would just sound patronising if I said this to her. Argh. My son is a complete wally.

What on earth do I tell the mum? My son lied because he felt sorry for your son? The poor woman has reached out about something and I can’t continue with the lie- she will find out eventually and it would just be wrong. Obviously DS has to fess up to his mate, but how do I respond to the mum who just poured out her worries to me as she thought I was a fellow traveler?

OP posts:
Finteq · 11/08/2025 10:20

SailingWonder · 11/08/2025 09:11

Oh God, please don’t send that message! ‘My son is doing really well, but don’t worry cos yours can do something like lawnmowing!’ WTF?!?

I know

Leave out the lawnmowing bit. Sounds really condescending.

Finteq · 11/08/2025 10:22

TheFluffyTwo · 11/08/2025 09:14

Suggested some changes in bold below, just for thought:

“Hi X. Thanks for your text. Raising teenagers can be challenging! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. [Anything you can say here about tutors you know or anyone who could recommend one?] I’ve had a word to him about being more honest with his mates. Results aside and without wanting to downplay your concerns, I was saying to my DH recently what a lovely boy that your DS is. He's so charming and hardworking and we're so pleased that the boys are friends. is going to be the most successful of all the boys! He’s got all the charm and grit. [or similar - just a bit less of the "he'll outstrip them all!" which could come off a bit condescending if read wrongly.]

I would love to catch up to chat about the boys and our teenage challenges - I just wanted to be upfront and apologise for DS giving the wrong impression about his results. Let me know if you want to catch up”

Hope that helps!

Edited

This sounds great

whowhatwerewhy · 11/08/2025 10:26

Your DS sounds lovely, but please don’t send that text it’s very patronising. It’s like oh sorry your DS isn’t academic but he can make a good living lawn mowing and cleaning cars .

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds Families
Sayitagainmyl · 11/08/2025 10:53

Cornflakess · 11/08/2025 06:36

This is way too long and sounds desperate. Just say ‘Hi, my son told a white lie because he’s predicted As and Bs. Not sure why he downplayed his results!’ Leave it like that. In your draft, you downplay your son’s achievements and spend most of the text praising your son’s friend and asking the mum to be your friend.

Edited
Show quote history

That's an awful response. OP, please don't take on this advice.

Sayitagainmyl · 11/08/2025 10:55

TheFluffyTwo · 11/08/2025 09:14

Suggested some changes in bold below, just for thought:

“Hi X. Thanks for your text. Raising teenagers can be challenging! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. [Anything you can say here about tutors you know or anyone who could recommend one?] I’ve had a word to him about being more honest with his mates. Results aside and without wanting to downplay your concerns, I was saying to my DH recently what a lovely boy that your DS is. He's so charming and hardworking and we're so pleased that the boys are friends. is going to be the most successful of all the boys! He’s got all the charm and grit. [or similar - just a bit less of the "he'll outstrip them all!" which could come off a bit condescending if read wrongly.]

I would love to catch up to chat about the boys and our teenage challenges - I just wanted to be upfront and apologise for DS giving the wrong impression about his results. Let me know if you want to catch up”

Hope that helps!

Edited

I agree that this sounds better.

Cornflakess · 11/08/2025 17:27

Sayitagainmyl · 11/08/2025 10:53

That's an awful response. OP, please don't take on this advice.

Show quote history

She downplayed her son’s achievements and kept going on about how great the friend is in her draft text. How is it awful to point this out?

Laura95167 · 12/08/2025 19:37

I think if you have the time and inclination.. meet her. Confess and help her. Her son needs to aim for a reasonable result in English and Maths if possible, but to say to help him with the skills hes clearly excelling in and what opportunities align to that

And BTW your son is a credit to you. Its nice hes clever, its important hes kind. He sounds a lovely lad

Cakeisbest · 12/08/2025 19:47

These are predicted results, why not say something about let's wait and see for actual results, we might all be surprised. Gets you off the hook somewhat, you can be surprised and delighted by your sons results, and her son might do better anyway.

Wildefish · 12/08/2025 20:14

TangledWeb6 · 11/08/2025 03:12

My DS13 has a good friend who lives around the corner from us. The boys go to different schools.

I received a text from the friend’s mum last night. She said she had been speaking to her DS and he told her that my DS receives similar results to him- mainly C’s and Ds. She asked if we could meet up and have a chat about how best to help our sons with tutors and how to navigate academics at school. She said all of her DS’s cousins and other friends seemed to have no struggles at all at school and she felt a bit isolated-she would love to catch up with someone who was in a similar situation with an academically struggling son. It was a really reaching out heartfelt text.

Except my DS does not struggle academically. He is a straight A academic scholarship holding student who is likely to receive the year level dux this year. I asked him what he was playing at and he said that his friend was so down and he just downplayed his results to make his friend feel better.

The funny thing is her son has such people skills, charm and grit that he is likely to end up the most successful of all his cousins and friends (including my son) but that would just sound patronising if I said this to her. Argh. My son is a complete wally.

What on earth do I tell the mum? My son lied because he felt sorry for your son? The poor woman has reached out about something and I can’t continue with the lie- she will find out eventually and it would just be wrong. Obviously DS has to fess up to his mate, but how do I respond to the mum who just poured out her worries to me as she thought I was a fellow traveler?

I would just tell exactly what you have written here. It’s not always the clever ones who succeed and every child has its strengths. I also think your son is very kind for not telling the truth on this occasion. .

Netcurtainnelly · 12/08/2025 20:53

Do you actually want to meet up
Your not obliged too.maybe you don't want.to get involved. Just because sons are friends, dosent mean mums will.be.

If you do I wouldn't text at all, not in this instance. I'd say it face to face and also get your son to tell his mate.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 12/08/2025 22:02

silverspringer · 11/08/2025 05:41

Just write the first bit fessing up and explaining why he lied and say you’re always happy to catch up anyway.

Stop at the bit about your son being more honest and don’t include all the other stuff about her son’s other skills and talents. It sounds condescending.

Unless she’s very sensitive about this she’ll probably laugh it off.

Show quote history

Agree.

Also, leave out the "doing pretty ok" sounds very Larry David (condescending).
Doing well would suit.

saraclara · 12/08/2025 22:11

don’t include all the other stuff about her son’s other skills and talents. It sounds condescending.

I'm echoing everyone who's posted along these lines. That bit made me cringe.

I'd save any conversation for face to face, and simply reply with an 'I'm not worried about DS at the moment, but when we next catch up we can always have a chat about the boys'

snemrose · 12/08/2025 22:15

EyeLevelStick · 11/08/2025 07:28

I think you should front the message with the bit where you say yes, you’d love to meet up. Think about how the reader will experience reading the message.

Something that says “yes let’s meet, my son’s been a bit of a silly goose, yours is fab, a chat about how we help them both would be good” will land better, I think.

I think this is the best approach

AppropriateAdult · 12/08/2025 22:21

Your text with @TheFluffyTwo’s edits is perfect; I agree that the lawnmower bit does sound patronising, and would be better left out.

I’m not sure why so many posters are encouraging you to be either really rude (“don’t reply at all to this heartfelt and vulnerable text from your son’s friend’s mum”) or to send a much more abrasive text message (“Not sure why he lied, Jack‘s doing fine, byeeee!”). Although the biscuit was decisively taken by the poster who suggested this mum might start a campaign against your lying son Grin

There’s a weird tendency among some posters here to avoid any non-essential social interactions for fear of bringing some unspecified trouble upon themselves. It’s a bit of a bleak way to look at the world. Your initial instincts were good, OP.

GiveDogBone · 12/08/2025 23:13

Just tell her the truth exactly as you’ve described it here.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/08/2025 08:13

Wellwhatalovelyday · 11/08/2025 08:31

Lovely sons don’t just appear from nowhere. They come from thoughtful & kind parents. I think your text is perfect.

Sometimes lovely sons do come from neglectful/abusive parents, just as much as thoughtful and kind parents can have bad sons.

OP sounds lovely, but that message is patronising.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/08/2025 08:17

AppropriateAdult · 12/08/2025 22:21

Your text with @TheFluffyTwo’s edits is perfect; I agree that the lawnmower bit does sound patronising, and would be better left out.

I’m not sure why so many posters are encouraging you to be either really rude (“don’t reply at all to this heartfelt and vulnerable text from your son’s friend’s mum”) or to send a much more abrasive text message (“Not sure why he lied, Jack‘s doing fine, byeeee!”). Although the biscuit was decisively taken by the poster who suggested this mum might start a campaign against your lying son Grin

There’s a weird tendency among some posters here to avoid any non-essential social interactions for fear of bringing some unspecified trouble upon themselves. It’s a bit of a bleak way to look at the world. Your initial instincts were good, OP.

Don't t think people are saying don't reply at all, but not to reply with the original text and talk more in person.

Bananachimp · 13/08/2025 08:20

TangledWeb6 · 11/08/2025 03:25

Something like this?Argh I hate this.

“Hi X. Thanks for your text. Raising teenagers can be challenging! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. I’ve had a word to him about being more honest with his mates. Results aside and without wanting to downplay your concerns, I was saying to my DH recently that your DS is going to be the most successful of all the boys! I saw his lawn mowing flyers at the shops and was most impressed. He’s got all the charm and grit. I would love to catch up to chat about the boys and our teenage challenges- I just wanted to be upfront and apologise for DS giving the wrong impression about his results. Let me know if yiu want to catch up”

Edited
Show quote history

Stop before the Results aside but. It starts to feel patronising. Just end it with the fact you'd love to meet up to have a catch up (if you want to that is!)

Flowercakes · 13/08/2025 08:24

Cornflakess · 11/08/2025 06:36

This is way too long and sounds desperate. Just say ‘Hi, my son told a white lie because he’s predicted As and Bs. Not sure why he downplayed his results!’ Leave it like that. In your draft, you downplay your son’s achievements and spend most of the text praising your son’s friend and asking the mum to be your friend.

Edited
Show quote history

I disagree. I think your message sounds smug and dismissive.

Daisydoesnt · 13/08/2025 08:33

“! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. I’ve had a word to him about being more honest”

the irony of this OP is that you are doing the exact same thing as your son: not being honest (downplayed his results a bit; pretty ok at school - this is not anywhere near the same as straight A!)

Footle · 13/08/2025 08:49

Ffs ditch the lawn mower.

dogcatkitten · 13/08/2025 08:59

Just say, 'Sorry Jimmies been telling porkies, he's really doing very well at school, he didn't want to sound as if he was bragging when Billy asked him and Billy had already said he wasn't doing so well. I've had a serious chat with him about fibbing! In any case I would love to catch up and have a chat about our boys.'

okydokethen · 13/08/2025 09:06

I think it might sound condescending to add bit about grit.. in another context this would be lovely. I think I’d text something like

Would love to get together! the boys are such great friends to each other, I think DS has downplayed his results a little as he knew your son was a bit upset, don’t worry too much, they’re only year x, they’ve got lots of time, maybe see what September brings and chat to teachers if you’re worried

Cornflakess · 13/08/2025 09:44

Flowercakes · 13/08/2025 08:24

I disagree. I think your message sounds smug and dismissive.

Show quote history

I think it’s really sad that you want OP to play down her son’s achievements and big up some other boy.

DidIdotheritething · 13/08/2025 09:46

silverspringer · 11/08/2025 05:41

Just write the first bit fessing up and explaining why he lied and say you’re always happy to catch up anyway.

Stop at the bit about your son being more honest and don’t include all the other stuff about her son’s other skills and talents. It sounds condescending.

Unless she’s very sensitive about this she’ll probably laugh it off.

Show quote history

This.