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DS’s white lie put me in tricky spot

81 replies

TangledWeb6 · 11/08/2025 03:12

My DS13 has a good friend who lives around the corner from us. The boys go to different schools.

I received a text from the friend’s mum last night. She said she had been speaking to her DS and he told her that my DS receives similar results to him- mainly C’s and Ds. She asked if we could meet up and have a chat about how best to help our sons with tutors and how to navigate academics at school. She said all of her DS’s cousins and other friends seemed to have no struggles at all at school and she felt a bit isolated-she would love to catch up with someone who was in a similar situation with an academically struggling son. It was a really reaching out heartfelt text.

Except my DS does not struggle academically. He is a straight A academic scholarship holding student who is likely to receive the year level dux this year. I asked him what he was playing at and he said that his friend was so down and he just downplayed his results to make his friend feel better.

The funny thing is her son has such people skills, charm and grit that he is likely to end up the most successful of all his cousins and friends (including my son) but that would just sound patronising if I said this to her. Argh. My son is a complete wally.

What on earth do I tell the mum? My son lied because he felt sorry for your son? The poor woman has reached out about something and I can’t continue with the lie- she will find out eventually and it would just be wrong. Obviously DS has to fess up to his mate, but how do I respond to the mum who just poured out her worries to me as she thought I was a fellow traveler?

OP posts:
Largestlegocollectionever · 11/08/2025 08:13

I wouldn’t go into all that via text, meet up and explain in person

DappledThings · 11/08/2025 08:14

All that stiff about charm and grit and how her son is going to be so successful is really patronising. I'd take all of that out and keep it much briefer and more factual.

Needspaceforlego · 11/08/2025 08:28

Monty27 · 11/08/2025 05:01

"Ds has had really good results and your son has fantastic qualities beyond this. They'll always be supportive to each other and friendship goes a long way.
Yes let's have a chat that would be lovely "

I'd reply something like this

Keep ot short and discuss properly when you meet up.

I think your DS is lovely not to make his friend feel bad. I think its a good thing not to tell the friend that hes been lied too.
Because when all your pals are doing great and your mediocre its a rubbish place to be. BTW I got to uni via college and did much better at uni than school!

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Wellwhatalovelyday · 11/08/2025 08:31

Lovely sons don’t just appear from nowhere. They come from thoughtful & kind parents. I think your text is perfect.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 11/08/2025 08:47

TangledWeb6 · 11/08/2025 03:25

Something like this?Argh I hate this.

“Hi X. Thanks for your text. Raising teenagers can be challenging! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. I’ve had a word to him about being more honest with his mates. Results aside and without wanting to downplay your concerns, I was saying to my DH recently that your DS is going to be the most successful of all the boys! I saw his lawn mowing flyers at the shops and was most impressed. He’s got all the charm and grit. I would love to catch up to chat about the boys and our teenage challenges- I just wanted to be upfront and apologise for DS giving the wrong impression about his results. Let me know if yiu want to catch up”

Edited

That sounds perfect.

SirChenjins · 11/08/2025 09:05

Oh god, please do not send that text - it's way OTT and (as someone whose youngest DC has just failed his Highers for the 2 second year) sounds utterly patronising in a <head tilt, sympathetic smile> 'he might not be super clever like mine, but he's such a sweet boy who will I'm sure get on just fine once he's found his non-academic path'.

Just message her back with a more factual type of post along the lines of 'I'm not quite sure why DS told your DS that, sorry - he's had good results this year. Let's meet up for a coffee asap and we can have a good chat'.

silverspringer · 11/08/2025 09:07

I’m really surprised so many people are encouraging that long condescending message. It won’t be received well, it feels like a virtual head pat.

‘Don’t worry your son isn’t as clever as mine, I’m sure he’ll do great with his gardening skills and plucky spirit.’

SailingWonder · 11/08/2025 09:11

Oh God, please don’t send that message! ‘My son is doing really well, but don’t worry cos yours can do something like lawnmowing!’ WTF?!?

SirChenjins · 11/08/2025 09:13

Perhaps he could mow the OP's son's lawn once the latter has graduated from a top university and landed a brilliant job?!

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 11/08/2025 09:14

What a lovely lad you have! And the other boy sounds so nice too. Everyone's skills lie in different places. Your kid may be the straight A student smashing it at uni one day and the other may do really well on something more vocational.
Your son should by no means be a tutor to his friend but maybe encourage him to offer his mate help if he needs it.

Whyx · 11/08/2025 09:14

Don't send that long message. Just explain that your son downplayed his results and then arrange a meet up (assuming you want to, regardless of whether you are in the same position it would still be good to offer the support and friendship she was seeking)

Definitely reply something though, the pp post about not replying at all is a bit rude surely?!

TheFluffyTwo · 11/08/2025 09:14

Suggested some changes in bold below, just for thought:

“Hi X. Thanks for your text. Raising teenagers can be challenging! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. [Anything you can say here about tutors you know or anyone who could recommend one?] I’ve had a word to him about being more honest with his mates. Results aside and without wanting to downplay your concerns, I was saying to my DH recently what a lovely boy that your DS is. He's so charming and hardworking and we're so pleased that the boys are friends. is going to be the most successful of all the boys! He’s got all the charm and grit. [or similar - just a bit less of the "he'll outstrip them all!" which could come off a bit condescending if read wrongly.]

I would love to catch up to chat about the boys and our teenage challenges - I just wanted to be upfront and apologise for DS giving the wrong impression about his results. Let me know if you want to catch up”

Hope that helps!

Whyx · 11/08/2025 09:15

SirChenjins · 11/08/2025 09:05

Oh god, please do not send that text - it's way OTT and (as someone whose youngest DC has just failed his Highers for the 2 second year) sounds utterly patronising in a <head tilt, sympathetic smile> 'he might not be super clever like mine, but he's such a sweet boy who will I'm sure get on just fine once he's found his non-academic path'.

Just message her back with a more factual type of post along the lines of 'I'm not quite sure why DS told your DS that, sorry - he's had good results this year. Let's meet up for a coffee asap and we can have a good chat'.

This.

Peclet · 11/08/2025 09:17

op your message is too long and also quite patronising.

Keep it simple and say a lot less.

Would love to meet up, when were you thinking? School can been tough and navigating the teen years is certainly harder than when they were little!

then when you see her in person you can talk about it and gauge what to say/how to say it.

sofiamofia · 11/08/2025 09:31

Just message her back with a more factual type of post along the lines of 'I'm not quite sure why DS told your DS that, sorry - he's had good results this year. Let's meet up for a coffee asap and we can have a good chat'

I agree with this.

Using words like charm and grit makes her son sound a bit like a dodgy second hand car salesman.

It is a tough situation though OP, I don't envy you.

Needspaceforlego · 11/08/2025 09:39

TheFluffyTwo · 11/08/2025 09:14

Suggested some changes in bold below, just for thought:

“Hi X. Thanks for your text. Raising teenagers can be challenging! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. [Anything you can say here about tutors you know or anyone who could recommend one?] I’ve had a word to him about being more honest with his mates. Results aside and without wanting to downplay your concerns, I was saying to my DH recently what a lovely boy that your DS is. He's so charming and hardworking and we're so pleased that the boys are friends. is going to be the most successful of all the boys! He’s got all the charm and grit. [or similar - just a bit less of the "he'll outstrip them all!" which could come off a bit condescending if read wrongly.]

I would love to catch up to chat about the boys and our teenage challenges - I just wanted to be upfront and apologise for DS giving the wrong impression about his results. Let me know if you want to catch up”

Hope that helps!

Edited

Those are good changes too.

Needspaceforlego · 11/08/2025 09:41

ConsultMe · 11/08/2025 06:22

Honestly this sounds like a storm in a teacup.

dont reply to her. Just encourage your son to tell the truth? She’ll hear it via her her son.

No don't do that, why make the boy feel shit that all his mates are doing much better than him?
The boy doesn't need to know that.

treesandsun · 11/08/2025 09:54

I think you and your son both sound lovely . I would maybe leave out the stuff about the lawn mower flyers because it could potentially sound a little bit patronising even though you didn't mean it this way, you could always say that when you actually have a chat. I'd possibly leave out the talking to him about being more honest too so you're not sending a big long message .

Needspaceforlego · 11/08/2025 09:55

SirChenjins · 11/08/2025 09:05

Oh god, please do not send that text - it's way OTT and (as someone whose youngest DC has just failed his Highers for the 2 second year) sounds utterly patronising in a <head tilt, sympathetic smile> 'he might not be super clever like mine, but he's such a sweet boy who will I'm sure get on just fine once he's found his non-academic path'.

Just message her back with a more factual type of post along the lines of 'I'm not quite sure why DS told your DS that, sorry - he's had good results this year. Let's meet up for a coffee asap and we can have a good chat'.

Just a wee note to say Highers aren't everything.
I have been in your DSs shoes, got my degree via the college. And it was much easier than Highers.

Blodyneighbour · 11/08/2025 10:05

Leave out the lawn mower flyers 👎
And your son sounds lovely by the way.

Trendyname · 11/08/2025 10:16

TangledWeb6 · 11/08/2025 03:25

Something like this?Argh I hate this.

“Hi X. Thanks for your text. Raising teenagers can be challenging! I have to say upfront that DS downplayed his school results a bit- he doesn’t like his mates to see him as a big nerd but he is actually going pretty ok at school. I’ve had a word to him about being more honest with his mates. Results aside and without wanting to downplay your concerns, I was saying to my DH recently that your DS is going to be the most successful of all the boys! I saw his lawn mowing flyers at the shops and was most impressed. He’s got all the charm and grit. I would love to catch up to chat about the boys and our teenage challenges- I just wanted to be upfront and apologise for DS giving the wrong impression about his results. Let me know if yiu want to catch up”

Edited

Why you say your son lied because he doesn’t want to come across as a nerd? He lied because he wanted to make his friend feel better. Stick to the facts and don’t make it look like your son did for his own benefit.
Just say he shouldn’t have lied but he wanted to make his friend feel better. But you are happy to chat with her about how to help her son. Maybe in that chat you can mention him being charismatic, etc.

Redburnett · 11/08/2025 10:16

I think I might 'forget' to reply in case she starts a campaign about your DS being a liar - unless you know her very well.
Let your DS sort it out with his friend quietly in his own way. Hopefully they do not spend too much time talking about school grades in the summer holidays and the conversation will fade into memory.

SirChenjins · 11/08/2025 10:16

Needspaceforlego · 11/08/2025 09:55

Just a wee note to say Highers aren't everything.
I have been in your DSs shoes, got my degree via the college. And it was much easier than Highers.

No, I know - and thank you (sincerely Smile). DC3 really struggles academically so for now, even the academic route via college is probably not something he'll manage.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/08/2025 10:19

SirChenjins · 11/08/2025 09:05

Oh god, please do not send that text - it's way OTT and (as someone whose youngest DC has just failed his Highers for the 2 second year) sounds utterly patronising in a <head tilt, sympathetic smile> 'he might not be super clever like mine, but he's such a sweet boy who will I'm sure get on just fine once he's found his non-academic path'.

Just message her back with a more factual type of post along the lines of 'I'm not quite sure why DS told your DS that, sorry - he's had good results this year. Let's meet up for a coffee asap and we can have a good chat'.

This! Keep it simple and short.

Its a good example of why there is no such thing as a “white” lie and an opportunity to discuss with DS how to have this kind of conversation without lying.

MeganM3 · 11/08/2025 10:20

Your son sounds like a lovely lad.

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