What was the impact of being raised in a single parent home

[hellohellooo]

Just on the back of the thread about judging single parents

(Single parent here)

What was your experience being brought up by a single parent?

I do worry that my d d has only a few strong male role models (cousins and good friends)

And how she copes when kids ask why her father left

Hmmm?!!!

Exposed to the following forms of stress:-

Financial - DM was rubbish at budgeting and prioritising. Feeling like a poor kid, hand to mouth I learned debt and provident was normal - later realised I had zero learning of financial products. To the extent that I didn’t get a mortgage when I could have when I was in a professional role in 20s.

Emotional - DM stressed upset angry bitter resentful. I carried this fallout. I appreciate this is somewhat specific to my DM but she also had LSE (I realised as adult) and she had no partner to help regulate herself, see alternative views, share burdens so this just filtered to me in some ways

Practical - you only learn one set of skills and advice rather than two

I never felt then and now I get any advice and guidance - this maybe DMs LSE playing out which is not necessarily a single parent issue.

Later feeling sad she never met anyone else

However through circumstance:-

She was a good role model for studying led to better job - I’ve followed this and done well professionally and have a second career
I was self taught a motivator
I was independent wasn’t getting support

I eventually learned to manage money and plan lots
Ive probably over compensated in my parenting in some ways good some
bad

Mine is a little different as my father died, but here are my thoughts:
Positive:
My mother was a good role model in terms of working and progressing her career. I also learnt that we could be independent and if something broke, there was no waiting for dad to fix it. We had to sort it. This is a lesson that has served me well. I love my husband and recognise the value of two parents, but I know for a fact that I could cope if he left or died. I saw my mother cope, and know that if I had to, I could do the same. This means that I would not stay in a bad relationship.
Negatives:
I really identify with an earlier poster's comment on the weird combination of being put in an adult role (in terms of a confidante and being given problems to solve beyond my age) and yet also not being to grow up and have freedom. Her word was law, but could change quickly and I found it increasingly difficult as she shifted between the two extremes. I can see that my mother struggled as we grew older and wanted to have our own lives, and she would put in arbitrary rules that made little sense. As a parent myself, I can see that she really struggled with the lack of a break or another parent to share decisions with. I can see that one of the strengths of having two parents, is that there is someone else there for when one parent had reached the end of their tether (as happens to all of us) and isn't making great choices.
I also had no brothers, uncles or grandfathers, so no male role models. This has definitely been a disadvantage as men are something of a mystery to me!
I'm sorry, but I notice that you are picking up more on the positive comments, and whilst this is understandable, I think that one of the issues with my parent, is that they became very focused on what they were going through, and less on the experience of us children. There are disadvantages, and part of the pressure on children from single parent families, is that we need to be 'fine'. As with everything in life, it is a mixed bag. But the disadvantages do need to be recognised if one is to have the best chance of dealing with them.

I think the impact varies massively depending on how young the child is when a parent leaves (including whether they are old enough to understand and be told why).

In practical terms there's a massive financial impact. In emotional terms the results can be very mixed; growing up in a household where one parent is abusive, addicted or both is far worse than growing up with only one parent.

I don’t think there was any for me. But I suppose I wouldn’t know.

Reading the other comments and none of this really applies to me. I was raised by my Dad and I have older brothers, so lots of male role models. My father was/is very successful, so no money worries. He didn’t remarry until we were all adults and never had any more kids, so no ‘second family’ or half/step siblings. He’s a great parent and a lovely person, so there was no drama.

My mother is a perfectly nice person, but probably shouldn’t have had kids. That possibly had an impact, but she’s never really had much to do with us.

I’m 57 now but my god do I wish my mother had left my dad when I was young she stuck it out till I was 21 and leaving home if it wasn’t for me he would have killed her.I would have loved it just me and my brother peace instead of the nightmare I lived .

See this is what would have happened in my house

I could not allow it to continue

But I can also see why so many stay
If breaks my heart xxx

It took me many years ro start thinking about this question. I am a single parent, I was raised without a dad, and my gran was raised without a dad, so I think there was a bit of a family line of, men treat you like shit then leave you with the babies.

And my dad, before he left when I was one, was a spectacular bad 'un, violent and alcoholic and abusive. Never paid a penny child support, never sent a birthday card, never visited. So of course we were better off without him.

As a single parent myself I am very aware if how hard it is to parent well without money, time or a good parent: child ratio. I feel the same about large families: I know there are some amazing parents out there who do a brilliant job with inadequate resources,but for the rest of us its just more of a struggle and our kids make do with less.

Ive also seen how brilliant some dads can be, and yes I would have loved a father like that. Not my dad, but some cheery, loving, dependable guy who can help me with DIY!

Well the diy disasters in this house are a definite sore point !!!!

Thank you for sharing your journey

It can be very hard right

The joy I feel knowing that I am without an abuser is immense and why I have so much more to give to my family

With him I just wanted my life to be over
I could not see a way out

My children’s friends ask them about this fairly often. They are both in primary school. It makes them very upset. It doesn’t help that some of their classmates’ parents also speculate about this in front of their children, I am told.

I wouldn’t bother. I tried this and they are utterly useless.

I agree. My adult babysitter doesn't talk to her narcissist dad now and always tells me she wish her mum left him when she was little so she didn't have to have him
In her home growing up

Some kids can't help themselves

Some parents are so out of order too

We had a talk yesterday and she was happy to hear that she can ask any questions and not be afraid to tell me is she is upset

She had no questions
There will be more no doubt

It is hard to navigate

I was brought up by an amazing single mum. We're very close still. Money was extremely tight but I had a happy childhood overall. Mum was also focused on helping me learn, educational play etc so I did well at school and uni and went on to a well paid job which she's proud of as we really were in poverty when I was little. Despite this I never felt nothing but loved. I'd no contact from my dad's side and of course I sometimes wondered but mum was always honest with me.... He stopped bothering but if I ever wanted to reach out to him she'd support me. Tbh I never felt the need and whilst occasionally I missed having a dad, I knew I'd a better mum than most so was lucky in ways. I also never wanted to meet him as I felt that loser didn't deserve any credit for the job mum did of bringing me up.

I've went on to have healthy relationships and don't have a bad view of men in general... I would say I have a tendency to be a people pleaser which possibly stemmed from abandonment which perhaps impacted me a little more than I realised but I work on that continually.

My one worry was the guilt of leaving mum when I moved out and had my own life but she's with a lovely man now and very happy.

So all in all I think it worked out fine for me.. I've had a lovely life so far and many people with traditional families don't have the perfect life either so I am grateful with my lot! Hope that helps reassure you x

It may be no comfort to know that I had the very same issues. My bastard of a father was present throughout.

If my son asks me I plan to tell him
Dome mummies and daddies are husband and wife to each other as well as being a mummy and a daddy to their child , we're not husband and wife so we live in different homes but we're still mummy and daddy to you and will be forever and will love you forever

I also found that even now, people who are only getting to know me skirt around wondering why I don't mention my dad, so I just be honest and say I never knew him he left when I was a baby :) cuts out the awkwardness for me and once they hear I'm fine about it there aren't any more questions. It's also been a source of comfort and reassurance for my friends who are now adults and some becoming single mums due to crap dads and worried abort their child's future

Being treated as mums confidant/bestie. I felt important and grown up hearing those things at 10/11 but massively damaged me looking back

Mums quest for love meaning plenty of boyfriends and stories of dating (see point one)

Lack of money or opportunities as she chose not to work out of the home even when we were older

none of which are necessary with a single parent home and can be mitigated by decent parenting! I never felt inherent worry or shame about a single parent as a child. All my stress and worry came from that parents actions and I still a believe it can be a wholly positive family set up even if mine wasn’t

I think it’s different for each family. For me the lack of a father figure wasn’t a huge issue, maybe more so for my brothers.

What did have an impact was my mother always acting like our situation was ‘less than’ and to be pitied.

It was undoubtedly extremely hard for her but she was quite ‘poor me’ and that passed on to us. I hated that.

So I would try and be as positive and forward looking as you can be. That will have the biggest impact on your child.

I do have a lot of empathy for my mum though and how hard it was for her

My parents split when I was 3, my dad is just a man to me who comes to visit occasionally, never really spoke to me and was not interested in me. He is ill now but I am not really bothered, we never really had a relationship, I am sad that I never had a proper father and will never know what that is like.

I’m the child of a single mother. My experience is only my experience, but I have missed the presence of a loving and supportive father throughout my life. I look at some of my friend’s fathers who are just brilliant, and I wonder how it must feel, knowing you can call your dad with a problem and have him come to help you. I’m sorry but I wish I’d had my dad around and it has impacted my life. I have been both lucky and fussy and am now in a solid, loving relationship, so it looks like my children will grow up knowing they can rely on their father, something I am grateful for.

This is a bit of a digression, but I really wish people would think of the children more when picking their partners. I know life happens, what I mean is, for example, how some adults rush into things without really knowing the person they end up making a baby with, or move on so quickly and introduce new partners after a relationship breakdown, trying to blend families when no child really wants that, and honestly, having children alone using donors because they want a child and not thinking about the impact on that child as it grows up without a father and sometimes a mother, and that being the deliberate, preordained position.

Children have rights too, and I think in years to come there’s going to be a day of reckoning about it. None of us are entitled to children just because we want them. What is best for them matters more.

My dad died when I was a teen, the deputy head announced it to my year group to stop the rumours as I was on leave for awhile. I felt the pity (well meaning though) as I walked through the school gates again.

I always felt 'different' for not having a dad in my life as I lived and went to school in a middle class area where most children have a dad.

Things were easier because Mum had a good job, although money was tight I was always provided for. I had two uncles who became my surrogate dads, for that I am forever grateful. I am extremely close with my mum.

However, his death has left me with lifelong anxiety and even in my late 20s the grief is in ongoing battle. My overarching feeling is that it just sucks.

Thank you for sharing

Also I get your point

But

What about the mothers who were in long loving relationships and then when they got pregnant the abuse started (this is very common can I say)

I had no way of knowing the man I trusted and seemed so normal would turn into a monster when. I was pregnant and then get worse when the baby arrived !!!!

I totally see where you are coming from and I appreciate your post

I'm just making this point as friends often say why did you not leave early etc !! It's not that straightforward at all

Poverty, mainly.

And it was horrendous to go from a situation where everything was at least okay
To one where it absolutely was not okay in any way shape or form, not enough food not enough utilities etc
It was extremely impactful and shouldn’t be taken lightly

I know of at least one person who got pregnant purposely as the relationship was ending because all she ever wanted from him was a baby so she was done well going to get it.
Nobody should be applauding that manipulation and yet they do. And when people expressed exasperation that she didn’t abort which she was obviously never going to do
They were called absolute monsters
She’s the monster for doing that to her daughter

Honestly I'd highly recommend it 🤣

Fantastic mum who taught me the value of money, a strong sense of who I am, a happy and consistent home with no shouting or disagreements