Life seems too good

[Earlyriser999]

My life seems too easy, don’t know if I’m in for a shock at some point. So many seem to be burnt out and looking forward to retirement, also talking about the country being shite, and I just can’t relate at all.

What’s prompted this post is a senior at work retiring (early, maybe 57) and belly aching from others saying they can’t retire due to mortgage or expenses. I tend to go along with the chat for smooth relationships but inside I squirm a bit. I bought a property early 20s (in the 2010s). When I bought I overpaid on the mortgage a lot. I inherited late 20s after death of parent and paid off the mortgage and had some besides so invested elsewhere. I’ve not had a mortgage for well over a decade.

My siblings decided to upsize with their inheritance. I didn’t because paying off the mortgage just seemed easier - the cost and hassle of moving wasn’t worth a better house especially at a very difficult time. To be clear I’d far rather have kept my parent than inherited. I still grieve their loss profoundly, I miss them every single day.

Shortly after I moved abroad for fun for a year or so and then the UK to have DC. In primary years I moved specifically to where quality of life is good and housing costs low, and could learn other language and culture, especially for DC. We went to a neighbouring country to explore more and learn a slightly different language and see more of the world. I moved back to give my DC a bit of experience in the UK in secondary and now as they are getting towards end of secondary I’m moving back to what they consider their home country to ‘launch’ them to adulthood.

I’m plagued with doubt I suppose about moving abroad again, possibly because I don’t have a parent to use a a sound board for my thoughts. Possibly I think I’ve missed come critical planning point and it’s a huge mistake to give up a solid job (again) for more adventure for myself and DC. I believe that my life seems to be easier than most and I’m worried I’ve missed something. I don’t have an especially big pension. I love my job (HCP) and going to work. I get a buzz from it every day. Earn average. I don’t plan on ever retiring, honestly I love my daily life. I have critical illness insurance if I can’t earn due to disability or illness.

I have saved a lot of money and it’s made my life much easier. My siblings have DC and much much better paid jobs and seems to find things hard. Things I think make it harder: too many pets, extra curricular clubs, tutors, big houses, expensive furniture, long haul holidays. I’ve avoided all of these and feel I have lots of spare capacity. I don’t stress about the state of the country; I moved around a lot as a child and have not got huge attachment to the UK. However generally speaking I think it’s doing average or well comparative to most places I’ve lived. Certainly I think people have lots of options and freedoms here. I just can’t relate at all to talk of civil unrest - living in Northumberland helps, it’s almost blissful I find. In terms of partner, I’ve been lucky in that my husband left me when my DC were little. I was crushed at the time. He has very little to do with them now and allows me to have almost total freedom to make decisions. I’d prefer to have a more traditional family set up for my kids’ sake, but I can't force him.

I want to improve my language skills and study more - I am aware of cognitive and physical decline and would rather invest in preventing this than earning/saving slightly more money. I don’t feel I need to stress about pension and daily grind, but on the other hand… my priorities and perspective almost feel wrong, at least at odds with the accepted reality.

It's "too good" in your eyes, but just normal.

You're content, glass half full and optimistic, which is great.
It's a good place to be, enjoy it and don't feel guilty about it.

Someone else in your shoes would find something to moan about.
There are people born woth silver spoons, who still feel hard done by, so it's not about what you have but about character.

So, if I've understood correctly, you are currently:
mortgage-free
have a pension
have a job you like
in an area you like
But you intend moving back to an EU country?

1. Ex or not, is their father okay with that?
2. Have the DC got their qualifications already?
3. Are they fluent in the local language?
4. Can you do your further training where you are moving to? Are there job prospects there?
5. Do you know the pitfalls of renting out? Are you using an agent? Have you savings for contingencies?
6. Are you prepared to be stuck as a "trailing mum" or leave your DC behind if you choose to return here?

I am not sure I'd be brave enough to uproot again myself, unless I had a generous job offer, friends in the country, health insurance and it was always my dream to go back. But I have suffered from culture shock and reverse culture shock, along with an adult child who will never come back to live in the UK, so I have had my fingers burnt.

Sorry, they're coming to the end of secondary?
So GCSEs done or not?
They are happy to move and leave current friends behind?
Doing bacclaureat/Abi or what have you in the EU? Then what? Because they cannot go to a UK uni as a UK resident with home fees unless they've lived there the last two years iirc, so they'd be charged overseas rates.
If born in UK are they British citizens? If they did A level equivalent abroad and you are working/have dual citizenship then they may get right to study/work as adults but I'd be checking on higher ed criteria.

I lost my last parent in my 20s, don't remember the first. I'd become used to a one parent family, its food for thought at times but being from a one parent family doesn't consume me in any way. My husband leaving was very difficult at the time, but I think it has made my life better in the long run by being a lone adult in the house; I just don't have to allocate any effort to a relationship.

It's true that unless the kids is interested and motivated in the after school club - I know a number who are clearly thriving at various clubs. My kids like other things and yes, I suppose I frame that as a great thing for our quality of life - no logistics of driving around and paying for it. It's also from working within a less intense education system abroad. I find the expectations here in terms of attainment in the UK to be very high, there is a lot of pressure in school in various ways and I believe after an intense 6 hours, my DC appreciate time and space of having free time. I guess, I just don't think they are necessary for most (eg. over the age they are required for childcare/child has specific interest or motivation), certainly the families I know well, the kids don't like them and want to spend more time at home. They continue nonetheless, making their lives harder by doing these things (they tell me this) - I suppose in my mind it's kind of undoing the benefit of having a two parent family (spending time together).

This also roughly applies to tutors. I just think that the school system in England is in gneral really good for academic attainment, and I believe kids get a chance to stretch themselves in school - crap schools aside. I just don't think extra academic work is necessary after a 30 hour week in the classroom. This is also borne out of the fact that I don't see a correlation within my adult friendship group between academic attainment at school and career satisfaction in adult life.

Small house? Yes, I suppose. But I quite like it. Nice and warm.

In terms of when I'm older - I have a pension from all my jobs I've done, I also made voluntary voluntary NI contributions when abroad, so I'm on track for a state pension and others. I just don't have any stress about tracking them as I don't see myself giving up work - I will stop as a HCP as soon as I don't have the cognitive or physical oomph to do a decent job, maybe mid 60s. I will work in some other capacity though. By contrast, people I know who have worked in the NHS (my colleagues and siblings) seem to be endlessly dissatisfied by their pension provision. Yes, I do feel I'm missing some information that causes this low level agony among them and can't find the way to ask anyone in real life. Maybe it's a blessing, but I posted here asking if there is any 'real' thing I need to be aware of that I'm just not.

Based on the replies, I don't think there is any information I'm missing. I can simply nod along making the right noises and forget about it :) So thank you for all replies.

Bitter much?

Some people have easier lives than others....

• you have stable secure employment
• you had good fertility or good enough to have children
• You have your own health
• You children are healthy and thriving
• generational wealth means you have been mortgage free 20-30 years earlier than most of your peers....

Separately...You've made reasonable good choices which have enhanced your "good luck" and you arent chasing the "American/ capitalist dream"

Add all that together and you life is quite nice.

Most people dont have all those things.

I am surprised you arent concerned about your children re the current job market

Pretty much on the nose.

1. Father is fine with it - I facilitate his relationship with them and have done for years and deep down he may, just may, respect that. It comes and goes without drama. We see him like an old friend - nice if we do something together, if not we carry on as before. He also lives abroad.
2. DC don't have qualifications. The country we are moving to has a flexible education system and they would be able to do school leaving qualifications when they are ready (and under 25!). In fact, GCSEs are a bit of a motivation to move because I prefer the testing arrangements there.
3. Yes they are fluent.
4. There are further training opportunities. Realistically, the NHS is the best place for this, so this aspect is something I'd be giving up - I'd be taking a sideways step in some ways.
5. Yes, I've rented our house out before so know the inns and outs of that.
6. I'm not prepared for being alone I suppose when my children leave home. I need to make changes in this area, develop my life outside the family. I think I will be able to do this wherever I live, and whichever job I have. I see my children leaving me and not looking back as a risk whatever the choices I make. I just try to make the most of the time I have with them on the assumption it is temporary.

I do have friends in the country and don't need health insurance. I have a job offer, not generous, but it is something different and challenging in a different way. It is a long standing offer, I need to decide in months rather than weeks. I have been in my job now years and it is pedestrian to me. I'd be going back to a jogging pace even though it is on paper and easier job.

You sound very sensible and are comfortable and happy because of that. Enjoy it and long may it stay so.

I'm really lucky I know for all the reasons you outline. Inheriting at a young age was and still is emotionally challenging though especially as peers parent start becoming frail - I can't get my head around being happy about it, especially as my parent dies suddenly and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

I do worry about my children in today's job and housing market. The country I'm considering hasn't got a housing issue and is probably as good a job market. Training market probably better depending on your aspirations (no oxbridge etc).

I’m fascinated by which country has a flexible education system like that - Scandinavia?

otjet then that you seem to have it pretty well sorted op.

only thing I can add is that we are here for short time and it’s important to live life as our ‘whole selves’. Wherever you feel you can be your whole self - whether seeking adventure or being more rooted, where the people are with whom you connect the most - is probably the choice for you, if all practical considerations are met and it’s also the right thing for dc.

I think it’s admirable rephrasing your life as great when in fact you lost a parent so young then your husband left you.

You need to make sure you have a pension and can also support your children further down the line when they need university/housing support.

and don’t forget - your siblings who upsized will be building equity in their homes so weren’t daft.

I think you sound wonderful OP- incredibly resilient in the face of very difficult circumstances at times and I wish I could be a bit more like you!

It seems you have considered every re your DCs, EXH etc, so why not go ahead and move abroad as it sounds the best option overall. No doubt you will make the very best of it.

Best of luck for the future!

Hi OP,
You’ve said that you are worried about your children’s future job and housing prospects but it’s not obvious from your posts if you’re doing anything to help with that.

I would have thought that investing in extracurricular activities and tutoring would give them the edge in getting into top universities and jobs, which would help them provide for themselves.

Also, do you save any money for them? Sorry if this sounds judgmental but I’m worried that you’re too busy working and enjoying your life that you only think about yourself and assume that they won’t need any help with house deposits. Will they be welcome to live with you while they save for a home of their own?

In fact, as a working class immigrant to the UK, I’m shocked by the phenomenon of living for yourself (as lavishly as possible because it’s a class based society where you need to display your class through conspicuous consumption) and passing wealth onto the children only if you have spare cash. In my family culture, we live frugally but also maximise our working hours, savings, investments so that we have something to pass down to the children.

I guess I can’t tell if your life is genuinely easy or if you’re depressed and don’t know it. Something is not quite adding up. It sounds as if your emotions are quite flat but I might be wrong.

My suggestions would be to access therapy because you seem to be searching for meaning in life, and to save for your children’s future- does your ex pay any child maintenance? If so, I’d be putting it into a junior ISA or something.

I think what this boils down to is through ups and downs you’ve kept living within your means and have resisted lifestyle inflation, which a lot of us haven’t. And you’re reaping the rewards of that - which is no bad thing.

If you wanted to reflect further or more deeply on how others are feeling, some people for example would find getting out of renting very hard and more people that you think are living hand to mouth or in food poverty in this country.

I’m always really anxious at work because as a family with most of my colleagues there is a huge income disparity (husbands job) with my colleagues so any moaning I join in seems a bit disingenuous, and I’m constantly having to remind myself where I’m from and what money might mean to others. Our money struggles are because of our lifestyle inflation like your siblings, not because I’m picking up bank shifts to eat or try to get out of debt!

Hi, thanks. I think Something is not quite adding up as you say is spot on. This is how I feel. I don't especially think I'm searching for meaning in life. I would consider therapy as a self maintenance exercise but I'm not sure I have a particular need at this time.

My children have savings accounts - like most parents I wish I could give them the world, but in lieu of that, I believe that the amount that I save for them will be sufficient to allow them to do the basics in the first few years of adult life, eg. driving test, buying supplies for study, making some poor fashion/travel choices, lol.

Where the job is, it is vanishingly rare for adult children to live with parents, even at 18. Housing is easy to find, affordable and good quality - but I would not mind if they lived with me at all (assuming they were considerate in terms of house work); though it would be considered a bit... eccentric... among their peer group :)))

I would have thought that investing in extracurricular activities and tutoring would give them the edge in getting into top universities and jobs, which would help them provide for themselves. This stood out for me - this goes back to the first post, something isn't quite adding up. I suppose I just don't agree. Setting aside the specific example of universities, I question whether the juice is worth the squeeze - having pets, tutors, activities, expensive furniture (from OP) going to top university when people (who I know have these things) seem to be dissatisfied. As an aside (to the other poster) I wouldn't think paying home fees (nearly 10k a year) is a massive selling point of an english university. Where the job offer is, uni is free.

Also, I did have to double take at the thought I was enjoying your life that you only think about yourself - it's a perspective that I've not thought of. I have felt like I've been staying afloat and just doing my best to complete the basics, but I have enjoyed it, seemingly, more that most. I'm sure it wasn't meant harshly though - I appreciate the different perspective.

Is it better to enjoy a sideways career move at a time most my peers are thinking about pressing more into pensions? I do think it'd be better for DC in other country (housing, education, job prospects), but possibly it's actually a self focused decision.

I appreciate all the replies :) I'm not hugely invested in the thread after the nice replies I've received already, but thanks all nonetheless.

It sounds like you just have a really healthy perspective on life and are resillient. For what its worth - I dont read your post as being judgemental but rather observational and introspective with a view to understanding why you feel the way you do and others don’t. You’ve likely been doing that all the way through and that’s probably why you feel happy and secure in your choices thus far.
i can relate to the anxiety you are experiencing right now. When things seem great in my life something in the back of my mind creeps up and makes me wonder what is going to turn everything on its head. i also suspect (apologies if i’m overstepping) that you have possibly struggled with anxiety before. Your introspection maybe helped you overcome it in the past and your dealing with it rearing its head again today in a way that works for you (and probably would for many others if they had developed this way of thinking as a skill).

I get what you're saying, I'm not looking for anything beyond what makes me happy. For my age I'm unusual to have cleared the mortgage (overpaying and inheritance) but I could take out a bigger one and get a bigger house, but I'm okay where I am. I love my job and can't relate to the friends who are looking forward to retirement, I hope to have decades more of work ahead of me. It's good to be content with your life, but I do wonder sometimes why so many people are unhappy with their life. The only thing I would really change is that I am a carer for one child and my partner, I would love to have a bit more free time and less stress in that way.