Upset by DH’s ‘misjudgment’ aka lack of common sense

[Tothink]

We went to a waterpark today for the first time with our two sons (aged 2&4).

DS1 (eldest) is much more water confident than DS2 and doesn’t mind going down the slides, getting hair/eyes wet etc. DS2 a lot more apprehensive and even looks too small for the slides.

At one point DS1 wanted to go down the biggest slide (it was a fully closed tunnel slide which went from the top of the waterpark down to the bottom. It had various bends and turns. DS1 went down it fine. DH took him up there (quite a way up), he carried DS2 with him but I assumed he would walk back down the steps to the bottom once DS1 had entered the slide. But no… I saw him lower DS2 into the slide and I went slightly ballistic from the bottom, trying to shout up and signal to him ‘NO!’. He obviously did it any way. He put DS2 in the tunnel and off he went.

I waited right at the bottom for DS2 to appear. I waited. I waited. I started to fucking panic like there is no tomorrow and then I hear him screaming ‘mama, mama’. And truly in that moment my whole body went to absolute jelly. He is a very small 2 year old and was clearly terrified, stuck alone in this fully closed long ass tunnel.

To clarify, there’s no water going through the tunnel obviously, I mean it’s wet in there due to wet swimwear going through it but no stream of water. However, it’s the mere fact that I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him screaming for me.

Then he stopped screaming for me and I panicked even more. Lifeguards all came over but didn’t actually know what to suggest because DS2 had obviously gotten stuck somewhere in the tunnel and seeing as he is only 2, he didn’t really know to keep sliding himself down. Nobody could slide down it and get him because apparently it was too risky (if they went down too fast they could bang into him).

He eventually came out, shaking like an absolute leaf. It honestly felt like ages. The screaming made it worse but then the silent parts were even worse than that.

Furious at DH and feeling so shaken by it.

I’m a mum, my children didn’t come from my own body - does that mean I care less or have a less emotional response to my children being distressed? The idea that mums emotional responses are more visceral, and therefore more valid, does nobody any favours. My kids dad would be equally upset, but would express that differently to me. Does my response trump his because I have a vagina?

Your DH was fuckwitted. I hope he knows that well and truly by now and soon starts behaving with some contrition. He should have taken DS2 back down the steps.

I'm afraid my trust would be well and truly broken for quite a long time, and your DH is absolutely one of the people you need to feel can be trusted with the children, otherwise it all falls on you. Which isn't fair.

Agreed. Looking at the Sandcastle height restrictions for example - the biggest slides are age 8+ and 1.2m+. There is no way they would have let a “small for his age” 2 yo on the “biggest slide”.
You are all being taken for a fantasy ride - and not a fun twisty turny water slide ride!

Wowee, what a stupid unhelpful comment. I'd be exactly the same as the OP. She should calm down over panicking over a two year old stuck in a tunnel? Great parenting advice!

Your reaction was that of a good, caring mother. I would have felt haunted by this whole thing too - a two year old is a baby and having them scream and call for you when you can’t get to them would have been horrific. I hope your husband learns from this but it would take me a while to rebuild trust in similar situations. Hope you and your son are okay now OP x

I am wondering whether he is just 2 or nearly 3 as there is a big difference.
He wanted to go on, met the height restriction and there was a lifeguard there so the only thing that went wrong was he got stuck. If he hadn’t got stuck he would have loved it.
Think you are projecting your views about him being a nervy child and your response is probably not going to have helped that.
I think you need to move on and not make it into a big - I was right - he was wrong scenario.

Tbh you sound a bit hysterical! Yes your DH was stupid but lets be real your ds couldnt have gone anywhere and would have come out of the end eventually! You keep going on about it being an enclosed tunnel but surely this is a good thing because there was no way for him to stand up or lean over the side? I don’t think your reaction helped your ds at all.

Yes. If your child is in serious danger, panicking is not helpful, though it’s certainly understandable. Why would panicking be the right thing to do in a situation where the child is in no real danger? Being sat in a tunnel with a parent at each end is not a serious danger situation.

100% agree with this.

I don't see why this would cause a fear of water if there wasn't water going down the slide. If it was a tube slide in a park, you wouldn't immediately remove him from the playground, you'd sit with him and comfort him until he felt ready to play in another part of it.

Obviously a water park that allowed a child to get physically stuck is closed today for serious safety reviews.

I wouldn't be impressed but if child met height restrictions and staff let him on the slide, I wouldn't judge DH too harshly for misjudging

This. It's so obviously rubbish but looks at the frothing . This is why MN is so good for trolls

It was a dumb thing to do. Could ds2 have stayed with you instead of going up the slide as not much point him going up there if he's not going on the slide. 1 child per adult is better.

It’s my experience and my opinion.

I respect your experience and your opinion. Of course, not all mothers have carried and given birth to their children. I apologise for my wording implying they have.

Of course all parents care. I certainly didn’t say or mean a mother’s response is more valid.

My DD got stuck in a water slide like this at primary school age...the lifeguard at the top didn't notice she didn't come out at the other end and sent a larger child down...both kids came out crying and needing first aid. So im not sure why people are saying there was no danger in what happened! It would have been far worse if a larger child went down after a 2 year old.

I disagree. The most important goal in that moment is for the child to feel safe.

When they're in acute distress they are in a dysregulated state. Their nervous system is flooded with stress hormones and they literally cannot process or learn new information effectively in this state.

Even standing by the water while holding their hand is keeping them in proximity to their trigger and maintaining their heightened stress response, preventing them from fully calming down.

The goal right now isn't to prove the water is okay - it's to help the child feel safe and regulated again.

The child went down a slide, came out the other end.
no injuries, not going to have lasting psychological damage.
It is, and I cannot stress this enough, a SLIDE.

TWO years old? I can't believe pp are saying you overreacted. I would have more than hit the roof with DH after I had recovered. I once panicked on a beginner's ski slope when I turned around and 8 year old DS had disappeared (he had decided to follow a snake of other children on their way down). I had all the ski instructors scouring the slope (he was safely at the bottom!). Now DS is autistic, so was not like a NT child at that age, but the OP says her little boy is a nervous one, and small, which the DH clearly didnt even think about.

I had a (now long gone and unlamented for many reasons) great-uncle whom I have never forgiven for throwing me in the pool without my float ring when I was about 5 and couldn't yet swim. He apparently told my mother afterwards that it was a way to get me to learn to swim and that I was too "namby pamby" about water and needed a short sharp shock. It was nearly 60 years ago and I still vividly remember the fear and the sensation of sinking under the water. It took me longer to learn to swim in the end and I wouldn't put my face underwater for several years.

Yup

And here we have yet another example of how some women presume authority over the children and absolute incompetency in their male partners. All this talk of broken trust? And Mother Knows Best is ridiculous.

Once again, I hope posters remember this the next time there is a thread asking why mums are the default parent? And why men don't take on more responsibility for child rearing. And why everything falls to them.

It's because so many of you create that entire situation yourselves.

Minor errors in judgement happen all the time when raising children. Very few of them actually have serious consequences. We've all done it. And being too risk averse is as damaging for children as the contrary.

If you think men are so universally useless and incompetent, why on earth are you marrying and procreating with them in the first place?

And yes, it could have lasting psychological effects. @ArthurBloom on what basis do you declare so confidently that it won't?

He said he spoke to the lifeguard. Maybe he did, in which case he and the lifeguard are both fuckwits ) lifeguard should have directed him to take his 2 year old back down the steps).

Or, maybe he didn't ask the lifeguard anything of the sort, then realised that he had been a fuckwit and was in big trouble. So he became defensive and has tried to deflect it by claiming he spoke to the lifeguard about this when he didn't? He's also minimising what he did, probably because he knows he was a fuckwit and feels like one (rightly).

I think you're being really harsh, yeah your husband made a mistake, but no one got hurt, everyone will know better next time, just put it down to experience and move on. Even the most attentive parents can make mistakes.

You might make a mistake one day, how would you feel if he held it over your head?

Plus, your reaction will probably stress your little one out even more. If you let it go then so will he.

@Tothink can you explain how the slide went from one end of the water park to the other. How big is the water park? And if it went from one end to the other how were you able to see DH put DS2 into the slide?