Upset by DH’s ‘misjudgment’ aka lack of common sense

[Tothink]

We went to a waterpark today for the first time with our two sons (aged 2&4).

DS1 (eldest) is much more water confident than DS2 and doesn’t mind going down the slides, getting hair/eyes wet etc. DS2 a lot more apprehensive and even looks too small for the slides.

At one point DS1 wanted to go down the biggest slide (it was a fully closed tunnel slide which went from the top of the waterpark down to the bottom. It had various bends and turns. DS1 went down it fine. DH took him up there (quite a way up), he carried DS2 with him but I assumed he would walk back down the steps to the bottom once DS1 had entered the slide. But no… I saw him lower DS2 into the slide and I went slightly ballistic from the bottom, trying to shout up and signal to him ‘NO!’. He obviously did it any way. He put DS2 in the tunnel and off he went.

I waited right at the bottom for DS2 to appear. I waited. I waited. I started to fucking panic like there is no tomorrow and then I hear him screaming ‘mama, mama’. And truly in that moment my whole body went to absolute jelly. He is a very small 2 year old and was clearly terrified, stuck alone in this fully closed long ass tunnel.

To clarify, there’s no water going through the tunnel obviously, I mean it’s wet in there due to wet swimwear going through it but no stream of water. However, it’s the mere fact that I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him screaming for me.

Then he stopped screaming for me and I panicked even more. Lifeguards all came over but didn’t actually know what to suggest because DS2 had obviously gotten stuck somewhere in the tunnel and seeing as he is only 2, he didn’t really know to keep sliding himself down. Nobody could slide down it and get him because apparently it was too risky (if they went down too fast they could bang into him).

He eventually came out, shaking like an absolute leaf. It honestly felt like ages. The screaming made it worse but then the silent parts were even worse than that.

Furious at DH and feeling so shaken by it.

Men are fucking morons and I’m convinced that one day a scientist will reveal that men don’t have the capacity to love. He’s an idiotic but there’s not a lot you can do really is there? I hope your husband has a scare of his own soon by way of karma.

I’m struggling to believe that this one is genuine, tbh. None of it makes any sense. Small two year olds never meet the height restrictions for even small water tunnel slides, let alone “the biggest one in the water park”. Saying that no one could slide down after him in case of injury almost makes sense, except that there was no water in the slide, so easy to pace yourself, and even easier to go up from the bottom to reassure or even fetch him.

You absolutely did the right thing, taking him away from the source of trauma and calming his nervous system.
Putting him back in the water when he's traumatised is backwards and unintuitive. What a surprise.

We’re in trouble of getting stick in a dry water slide constitutes trauma - he was in no danger, with two safe parents to help him. All that was needed was cheery reassurance and praise for being so brave - a chance to catch his breath and watch others playing safely in the water. His mums reaction just reinforced the idea that it’s not safe - which in the long term isn’t helpful. There’s a distance between dragging a frightened child back into the water and removing them completely.

The OP clearly got a fright, but sounds very invested in making a minor mistep a major, frightening, neglectful act on her DHs part.

At first I was with you 100% OP and horrified your DP would do this. But having read the updates, if a 2 year old met the height restriction I don’t see how it can be quite the situation. You are making it sound? A misjudgment for sure that your kid would cope, but sounds like an understandable error since he met requirements.

So you recommend telling the child he has a 'silly dad' and telling dad that he has undermined her trust.

Yeah, thats going to turn into a hilarious family anecdote for sure.

After the divorce courts and all.

Is this a dig at me using this word?

Did you read my post?

My DC are fine thanks. They went down massive water slides, snowboarded, jet ski, climbed big mountains and even sky dived by the time they were 18.

They are happy adventurous adults now.

When your child cries out in anguish and in that moment you can’t immediately reach them it is horrifying. Always thinking about the what ifs is also horrifying. However, I made it clear in my post this is a problem OP has to work on as it is her problem and it shouldn’t mean that her DC should be restricted from living an adventurous life.

Before you bemoan a person read their post fully.

Divorce courts

As for your DH, once you’re feeling calmer, suggest a quiet chat. Explain how it affects mothers, particularly, to hear their baby distressed (then quiet) and not be able to help them. Explain how it’s undermined your trust in DH to be sensible with the kids going forward. If he’s sensitive and kind, he’ll listen and reassure you. He should not brush it off as ‘no harm done’.

Yeah, because dads don’t give a shit hearing their children distressed 🙄

I agree, tbh, but I think that these threads are still helpful because it might help other people to reassess their own responses to scary situations.

Well this one didn't.

When you say ‘stuck’ what do you mean as you also describe as a huge space? Does it mean it went a bit level so he needed to scoot for a bit?

This one didn’t have the over the top, dramatic response his wife had - that doesn’t mean he doesn’t give a shit.

It's not a dig at all. I just cannot see for the life of me bow this results in anything like 'horrifying'. Some of you are writing like kids are dying due to getting stuck in slides on a regular basis. The awful case of the four year old the other day was due to drowning.

Spending your life thinking about the worst possible scenario isn't healthy.

I agree. Kids drown every year in a blink. I thinknOP was right to be worried and furious.

This one has a history of being a careful dad. In many ways, more so than the OP, for example for road safety. And that's by her own admission and despite her blatantly biased account (still waiting for a link to the slide).

Just because a mother "feels" it doesn't mean it trumps everything else. (Shall my kid not get his medical treatment because he screams in pain and I feel bad?) Does the fact that there was, in fact, very limited risk not mean anything about how she should manage her feelings?

I once put my young son back on a horse after a fall. Firstly, because help would have been a long time coming if he wasn't riding - we were miles out on farming country. Secondly, because he wasn't screaming and distraught because he'd landed on fairly soft ground and his helmet protected him. I probably would have made a different choice if he was screaming and hysterical. He was a lot older than 2 though.

I think children react to things differently and it is not helpful to call them "nervy". My son was unbelievably gutsy astride a horse - prepared to take jumps without stirrups and various other training techniques like taking a jump with his hands on his head rather than on his reins - but he was terrified of water. He didn't learn to swim properly till his teens.

I think men just seem to have this insensitivity when it comes to the capabilities of young children. Maybe because the mother is the primary parent and is much more au fait with what is reasonably within the child's capability.

I do have to say, being descended from a long line of fishermen, that a certain degree of fear towards water is a valuable protection. You know the reason for those Aran jerseys - every family had their own pattern - so they could identify the drowned washed ashore. I don't believe in being casual about water safety.

I don’t believe for a second he was just above the height limit for the ride at 2 yo. Especially as he is small. Something doesn’t add up here.

But the waterslide was dry? And she was at the bottom?
There wasn't any risk of drowning.

Had the DH sent the toddler down a waterslide with flowing water into a pool without anyone at the bottom then that would be bloody negligent. Of him and the lifeguard. But that's clearly not what happened.

Oh dear 🤣

2 year olds are not babies.

Never undermine the other parent to a child unless daddy is deliberately doing something silly for the child's entertainment.
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Dads get distressed, too.

Some mothers react calmly.

I didn’t say that. Of course dads care.

IME mothers often have a more visceral, physiological reaction to their baby calling for them in distress. They’ve come from their mother’s body. And he was calling for his mum, rather than his dad.

You clearly have a different experience. And I respect that.

Your update changed things.

initially I thought he had pushed the 2 year old down but he spoke to a lifeguard etc? That’s quite different.

i wouldn’t have taken your son straight out either. You’ll have solidified his fear.

Totally agree.

I’d have let my kids go down a tunnel slide before I let them go down one of those half open ones, because I can see danger of falling out of the open chute, whereas I don’t see any danger with the tunnel ones.

Honestly I think this is one of these incidents that you just have to let go. He admits he misjudged, no one was in any danger. I’d have been mildly irritated perhaps but both of mine have gone on stuff and been keen to in the past and then been randomly terrified. My just-turned 3yo is a daredevil and loves those kind of slides, my 6yo is obsessed with rollercoasters, but both have had the odd experience on one of them when they’ve cried and hated it. It’s just one of things I guess.

I don’t think it’s that big a deal personally. I’m the anxious one and DH is the laid back one so this could quite easily be us, but I have sort of learned to let it go a bit as I’ve realised this sort of thing can be bad as you let it become sometimes and my reactions sometimes make the issue worse.