Upset by DH’s ‘misjudgment’ aka lack of common sense

[Tothink]

We went to a waterpark today for the first time with our two sons (aged 2&4).

DS1 (eldest) is much more water confident than DS2 and doesn’t mind going down the slides, getting hair/eyes wet etc. DS2 a lot more apprehensive and even looks too small for the slides.

At one point DS1 wanted to go down the biggest slide (it was a fully closed tunnel slide which went from the top of the waterpark down to the bottom. It had various bends and turns. DS1 went down it fine. DH took him up there (quite a way up), he carried DS2 with him but I assumed he would walk back down the steps to the bottom once DS1 had entered the slide. But no… I saw him lower DS2 into the slide and I went slightly ballistic from the bottom, trying to shout up and signal to him ‘NO!’. He obviously did it any way. He put DS2 in the tunnel and off he went.

I waited right at the bottom for DS2 to appear. I waited. I waited. I started to fucking panic like there is no tomorrow and then I hear him screaming ‘mama, mama’. And truly in that moment my whole body went to absolute jelly. He is a very small 2 year old and was clearly terrified, stuck alone in this fully closed long ass tunnel.

To clarify, there’s no water going through the tunnel obviously, I mean it’s wet in there due to wet swimwear going through it but no stream of water. However, it’s the mere fact that I couldn’t see him, but I could hear him screaming for me.

Then he stopped screaming for me and I panicked even more. Lifeguards all came over but didn’t actually know what to suggest because DS2 had obviously gotten stuck somewhere in the tunnel and seeing as he is only 2, he didn’t really know to keep sliding himself down. Nobody could slide down it and get him because apparently it was too risky (if they went down too fast they could bang into him).

He eventually came out, shaking like an absolute leaf. It honestly felt like ages. The screaming made it worse but then the silent parts were even worse than that.

Furious at DH and feeling so shaken by it.

OP I’m curious to know why you felt it okay for your dh to take ds2 up to the top in the first place? It was clearly agreed before hand, so surely you’re just as much to blame here 🤷‍♀️ I get it was scary for you, and yes, you did show your ds your panic - there’s no way at all that he wouldn’t have picked up on it.

Water slides terrify me, I’m with OP

I'd be crying and would find it hard to trust husband again. I'm an easy-going person and parent and literally never cry but in this situation, I'd lose it. I feel like my main responsibility as the carer of a small being is to protect them from traumatising events not throw them into them. I'm so sorry for you and Ds.

I would be beyond furious with him but to be honest I would not have let him bring up there in the first place. Your poor son, it must have seem so long being stuck there.

I would be getting onto the management though and suggesting that the staff receive training and that they put a age restriction in place.

So let's just take this step by step

1. DH takes DS2 up the steps. OP watches. DS2 is presumably happy.
2. With the lifeguards OK, DS2 goes on the slide. With OP apparently gesticulating wildly. Despite the DS apparently wanting to go and the lifeguard being fine with it
3. He goes down the slide with NO WATER IN IT
4. He gets stuck long enough for a load of lifeguards to come charging over all looking confused
5. DS2 is apparently hysterical but somehow then just gets out by himself.

Come now.

I think most people agree it would be an error in judgement.

I just also agree that the OP's reaction was equally an error in judgement.

Both can he true.

What would a dramatic response look like to you, if OP's was not?

We all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. We can all misjudge a situation and if he's anything like most people, he'll be beating himself up more than any words OP says to him.

I'd graciously accept his apology and move on with life. Otherwise what are you modelling to your DC?

I would have reacted in the same way, quite honestly. Do you not have any empathy?

Your husband did an absolutely idiotic thing.

Your visceral reaction as his mother was absolutely natural and understandable. Hearing your own child screaming for help and being unable to get to him must have been terrifying.

Your DH is probably feeling a mix of shame, relief and mutinous self-justification.

Yes, it was a misjudgement and he's acknowledged that, which some of them wouldn't even do.

I do hope everyone's feeling better.

Now it's time to talk. Keep it calm, polite, controlled - while ensuring he understands exactly what his behaviour could have caused (maybe share that awful news about the poor child last week), the ghastly dread you experienced and how you need him to assure you he won't do it again. Say thankyou for recognising he'd made a mistake.

Resist any temptation to criticise, berate, shout etc, because he'll react defensively and double down. Managing them as well as managing children is exhausting, yet here we are.

Then let it go, and do something nice as a family. If it involves water ... Maybe a little paddling pool to get DS more confident.

And then stand together - and go after the waterpark. Lifeguards untrained and helpless, the fact a child could get stuck in the first place, no standard operating procedure? Get them.

How is the op going to “get” the water park? What does this mean? What does “going after” the water park look like to you?

the child was supervised by a parent who was happy to sent said child down the slide which the child was at or above the height limit for.

the child wasn’t injured. They got a fright but they weren’t injured.

@Tothink as several other posters have also asked, is it possible to please share either the name of the waterpark so we can look up a photo of this slide? It does sound strange on the face of it that there would be a massive slide from the top of a waterpark that doesn't have water in it, manned by a lifeguard, that a small 2yo meets the height restrictions to go down solo. A small 2yo presumably can't swim so does it come out into water at the bottom? Or is it not actually a waterslide, just "a slide" that happens to be at a waterpark?

It's also very easy to say in hindsight "I never would have done that".

A cuddle of reassurance and a nice calm voice should have been the appropriate response. Not whipping your child away like the child has done something wrong and needs to leave.

I'd like to see a photo of a similar slide to judge how terrible this experience truly was. Because on the face of it, something doesn't seem quite right.

There's a difference between tolerating unpleasant feelings and actually being traumatised and completely disregulated, especially in a two year old.

Of course we want to build resilience but those lessons can be learnt and built on in a calm state later on.

I do agree with you that if it was just a case of discomfort or needing to manage mild emotional stress that building resilience in that moment would be preferable, but in this situation from the op's description it sounded like more than simply unpleasant feelings.

Same as

Call 111
Send OFSTED in
Log it with the police
Phone social services

All things MNers do on a daily basis apparently for absolutely non issues.

We are talking about a child going down and age appropriate dry slide. You'd think we were talking about kids in Gaza. This thread is mental

This. I’m actually so confused. Because the big slides at the local pool here have a height restriction. I remember my 2nd being so excited once they finally reached the height to go down them. I think they were about 7 or 8. So I’m surprised that a 2 year old was the height to go on such a slide.

I was at an adventure park with 10 yr old DD last week. She loves the long water slides that you sit in an inflatable boat to go down. I tried once and hated it, so sat at the bottom watching while she had several turns. There were loads of people coming down with terrified toddlers sat in front of them, grown ups obviously couldn’t see their faces so happily declaring “that was fun, wasn’t it?” as they got out, even ignoring the children if they said no and heading back up for another go.

But this wasn’t that because the lifeguard stopped the op’s DH from doing that.

I can totally see how sitting in a dark tunnel could be frightening for a two-year old, yes. But OP isn't two, and her child was not in serious danger. Here, OP's response seems likely to make the child even more distressed.

Realistically he was in the height range and it was enclosed so there wasn't any risk, if he managed to stop it obviously wasn't very steep either. You'd have probably done better cheerfully being calm than getting so worked up yourself which he will pick up on.
Maybe wasn't the best judgement, but he probably thought after trying it that he'd enjoy it and have fun doing it again. I didn't want our 2 year old going down a big one recently but DH put him down and he actually loved it and did it repeatedly after. Dad's tend to be a bit more outgoing and less risk conscious and children do need a bit of a balance to get confident!

Maybe I’m old. And a crap parent but I would have calmed the child down, took them to a shallow bit and played with them and not made a whole drama out of it.

But I’m a veteran of active kids who’ve had lots of scrapes and loads I didn’t know about at the time but now they’re adults they’re funny stories.

I wouldn’t have escalated the drama in this case at all.

As an example Center Parcs sets out all the different height and age requirements for their slides. I'm familiar with Longleat and the only slides that tiny kids can go down solo are the ones in the children's section of the pool and they're only a few metres long. The bigger flumes you can only take kids under 1.2 metres tall with an adult - they endorse the child on lap approach!

https://blog.centerparcs.co.uk/posts/fun-for-all-at-the-subtropical-swimming-paradise.html

@Tothink I am intrigued to know what this water slide looks like, like others I have never seen a water slide with no running water.
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Well said, thank you.

OP's response was to her 2yo child being out of her sight, trapped and terrified and crying for help she couldn't give, after her husband had ignored her feelings. Absolutely natural, visceral reaction for a mother in this situation.