Well I’m screwed here

[LongDroop]

Son is 9 ASD and actually settles really well into summer holidays after the first week of adjustment. Unfortunately I’m a single working parent so childcare over summer is difficult. My parent help and I’ve got a couple of school friends who we rotate all having the kids so the others have some time. Today is one of three days that I couldn’t get covered so I booked my kids onto a holiday club. There’s multiple options where we live, so I picked one where he already does an activity and knows. He’s been there before during Easter and loved it. He did one day last week and loved it. Today, he’s refusing to go. Lying in bed in his PJs screaming if I even enter his room. Won’t eat, won’t dress. We have to leave in 20 minutes so I can drop them and he won’t budge. He’s too big to psychically drag, he hasn’t eaten so will be in the worst mood ever even if I get him there. I have to work. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I’d start by calling your parents if they’re local.

Where is the father?

Has this behaviour not happened fairly frequently in the past?

There is nothing you can do to get him to leave in 20 minutes. It’s not going to happen. So you need to stop (outwardly) stressing and let everything calm down.
What happens if you miss work? What happens if you’re late?

Ring work and explain the situation, they may let you take a day as annual leave.

To be honest I’d look to bribery in whatever form works best

I’d try to get him there even if you’re late.

Call work, take emergency parental leave. Let them know you’re trying to arrange for your parents to look after him and will notify them if you’re able to come in this afternoon (hence only requiring a half day leave).
Edited to add: tell them he’s unwell, hence unable to attend scheduled CC provisions. (No need to give the details).

And then, I don’t have any advice on how to help with DC but that gets work sorted. Hopefully someone more experienced can help with suggestions for DC.

First I’d try bribery
then I’d consider any other child care options
then I’d phone in sick or say my child is sick

but you need to relinquish control you can’t change the situation you can only adapt

Thanks everyone, I called my mum to help and we managed to get him into the car but then he jumped out of it just as she was starting to drive off. I have the kids locks to avoid this but she didn’t know to put them on. He’s now back hiding in his room refusing to eat or leave. My mum has taken the others. I’ve tried calling work but it doesn’t open until 9. I’ve logged on remotely and hoping my manager will allow me an unplanned work from home day. Just need to sort myself out first as I’m so upset and shaking from the morning. My big fear is that this will set a precedent and he will continue like this any time he doesn’t want to do something now.

Can your mum spend day with him?

@Awaywiththegnomes no, I think that’s why it’s shocked and upset me so much. He’s said he’s not going to school before, but always come around when left for some time. He’s never flatly refused like this. I’m worried it’s the start of this type of behaviour and I don’t know how to handle it

Then when he’s calm you need to let him know the consequences for the others - you mum have to come over, the other kids were upset you missed work etc

He didn’t have a great day:

Ask him how he could’ve helped everyone

Ask how you could’ve helped him

Make him part of the solution

It is really hard isn't it
My child did this once but for school, not holiday club.
I couldn't get her in

It will set a precedent, if you allow him to stay in his room as he chooses. You're having to inconvenience your family and work (in one way or another) to stay at home with him, so he needs to understand what he's done and why he needs to cooperate. I'd say he shouldn't have the day he wants at home, so he realises this isn't a choice.

Big, big hug

Try not to catastrophise and project this into the future (I know! I know!) because if you let your anxiety take over you won’t be able to focus on what he needs now.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that he won’t go to school, but it probably does mean that you need to level up, and start building better supports and strategies. That’s not today’s job. Today you have to get your work done, smooth things over and then listen to your ds.

One foot in front of the other for now.

It might be a one off, so don’t panic just yet. But if not then you will develop strategies to manage it.
But I will save you time by saying that being firm, threats, bribes, cajoling, punishments, rewards, shouting, crying, stressing - none of this will work, and will just make you both feel terrible.
Imagine having to do something you’re really scared to do. A parachute jump? Holding a tarantula? Walking through dark woods at night?
What would it take to get you to do that?
ASD children don’t react in the same way that NT children do. They feel anxiety more acutely and have fewer skills to rationalise and overcome fear and anxiety. So you need ASD specific strategies to support them.

My son has refused schook /clubs . With clubs in the end I made alternate arrangements. I reduced work/used grandparents etc.
with school I got him there regardless because he has to attend school and letting him stay home would have made a rod for my own back
do you get dla or carers?

I think you need to make sure he does not have an enjoyable day - there have to be consequences for this.

Why? Do you think he did it deliberately to make his mum’s life more difficult?

I think he needs to learn that life is nicer when he goes to school/childcare when he is supposed to

Don’t rush in with consequences, or punishments and the big guilt trip. Hear him out, give him the safety and security he needs to regulate back to baseline. He’s likely too distressed and “shields up” to hear anything sensible. What he needs right now (and I do mean need) is a big mum hug, or whatever his equivalent of that might be.

Later when the storm has abated you can have the sensible chat. He’ll be far more amenable and capable of working with you, if he feels like you’re in his corner and not an opponent.

Keep in mind that he’s a good kid, having a hard time and dealing with it as best he can.

Regulate - relate - reason

@autienotnaughty thats the idea I came up with today, holiday club I can let slide. School I won’t. I just don’t know how I’ll manage that yet. I get DLA but not carers because I work too many hours. I have reduced them down massively because he can’t manage after school clubs etc either so I only work school
hours and do all drop offs and pick ups

thanks for the support. Work have been lovely so that’s taken some of the stress off, but I just can’t stop crying and don’t know why, which isn’t helpful at all!

Just need to sort myself out first as I’m so upset and shaking from the morning. My big fear is that this will set a precedent and he will continue like this any time he doesn’t want to do something now.

Get a cup of tea and give yourself a minute to breathe. It’s really hard when you’ve been dealing with a child who is dysregulated.

When everything is calm talk to him about how he was feeling - now the threat of having to go has passed he might be able to explain why today just wasn’t happening for him. My DD is older now but I remember well the days when she just couldn’t do it - be that school or holiday clubs.

What helped was having lots of time in the morning, so getting up and out was never rushed, talking about the parts of the day that were hard for her and having one or two non-negotiable. For example if I needed to go into the office she had to go to school and use the strategies agreed with school to help her cope. We also agreed some breathing space so every so often she’d have a day at home to decompress. So while her attendance wasn’t as good as it could be, she knew she could have a day at home on a more planned basis, which in turn reduced the days she just couldn’t cope - kind of catching it before she reached crisis levels.

She’s now 14 and her school attendance is good, she still needs a breather every now and again but the levels of distress and crisis have really reduced, which makes life easier for everyone.

You’re assuming that a. His behaviour is a choice, b. He can make the link between his behaviour and the consequence and c. He can remember that link the next time he is having a meltdown from anxiety.
In ASD children using rewards/punishments to manage behaviour does not work.