Well I’m screwed here

[LongDroop]

Son is 9 ASD and actually settles really well into summer holidays after the first week of adjustment. Unfortunately I’m a single working parent so childcare over summer is difficult. My parent help and I’ve got a couple of school friends who we rotate all having the kids so the others have some time. Today is one of three days that I couldn’t get covered so I booked my kids onto a holiday club. There’s multiple options where we live, so I picked one where he already does an activity and knows. He’s been there before during Easter and loved it. He did one day last week and loved it. Today, he’s refusing to go. Lying in bed in his PJs screaming if I even enter his room. Won’t eat, won’t dress. We have to leave in 20 minutes so I can drop them and he won’t budge. He’s too big to psychically drag, he hasn’t eaten so will be in the worst mood ever even if I get him there. I have to work. What the hell am I supposed to do?

In children with ASD it is often MORE important that these connections are made and reinforced

It’s a stress reaction - you’re juggling a lot of balls, and you’re realising you’re a bit powerless if your child just point blank refuses to do something, and he sounds really distressed. I’ve certainly walked away from school drop off in tears after a particularly bad morning - it’s your bodies way of regulating and releasing stress. Give yourself some grace.

Just a little note to send a hug. I’m sorry you are having a bad day, and sounds like you handled it as best you possibly could. Well done for getting through!

Can you provide more detail/evidence of this please?

Do you have a child with ASD?

Is it? How would you do that then?

You need to get advice from SEN parents, the suggestion that ‘make sure he doesn’t have an enjoyable day’ is madness! My DS is AuDHD and has just about managed holiday clubs until Yr 4, Yr 5-6 it’s a complete no go now. It’s a complete nightmare as we have no family help and have to tag team holidays between two parents and a few days this year we’re working around him. Just about doable at 11, but likely not 9.

I know in our area there are a couple of SEN type holiday clubs, but there may not be anything near to you. You have additional entitlement to unpaid parental leave having a disabled child, again not ideal, but options to consider.

It certainly matters that, where possible, there’s a link to consequences but that needs to be done without punishing or shaming a child for something they don’t have control over. You can’t punish or shame a child out of autism, you can make them so scared that they mask, burn out and hit crisis point - which is way more impactful for both child and parent, and not in a good way.

when things are calmer can you ask him why he didn’t want to go? Perhaps they play loud music or they insisted he eats food he doesn’t like

My disabled son can’t access usual childcare. I’ve got support via disabled social care / short breaks. He’s accessed specialist holiday clubs and also had direct payments to hire carers. Won’t help with this holiday but start the process for a disabled child and parent carer assessment. It doesn’t matter you don’t get carers allowance I don’t either but children’s services aren’t usually means tested.

I’ve also negotiated an annual hours contract so I take unpaid leave to cover holidays but the financial hit is spread over the year. companies do have to take flexible work requests into account and you are entitled to apply for unpaid parental leave for disabled children each year anyway.

social care can be hard to access but I found once I became a single parent and ex was not helping in holidays they were more helpful (because if we burnout it will cost much more to care for our children than keeping us going).

Yes life is always better when you force a disabled child to do something they can not cope with

Yeah you’re wrong. Forcing anyone to do something that they can’t cope with isn’t good for them .

Maybe not, but thats life. The parents have to be able to have their time too, to wortk - etc - the thing that keeps a roof over their head sna dfood on the table.
uoi have to re-enforce boundaries etc - simply put. Austism and AUADHD etc is not an excuse for poor behaviour, or being pandered to.
Consequences and boundaries still have to be set, and re-enforced.
maybe not the way that you would with a NT child but still has to be done.

Well precedent is set now unless there are consequences for his behaviour. I hope he's not being allowed to watch telly etc have treaty snacks while he is off. If he hates the holiday club don't book it again but ASD isn't an excuse for bad behaviour ( and I say this from a place of experience ). If it was a meltdown then obviously you shouldn't have forced him mid meltdown but then when he's calm and you have spoken to him can't you drop him off later?

This

Big, big hugs, OP. Ignore posters who have no idea about parenting autistic children.
Easy to say, but don’t catastrophise. When he’s calm, talk to him about why he didn’t want to go to the play scheme. It may be something fixable. Or he may be coming down with something. It’s not necessarily the sign of Another New Phase, though I completely relate to that dread.

I’ll ask again, do you have a child with ASD?

So he should be punished for being autistic?

I think you have to give him a consequence for pulling this stunt. Tell him he can no longer have something he really wants. Talk to him and explain what could happen to you all if you lose your job and earn money. Point out you went to lengths to get him a place he was used to. If probably say if he did it again you'd have to cancel something he really enjoys eg Netflix or a holiday or hobby or something.

Yep. I’m old school. He would’ve gone to the club because I’m in charge.

There's so much good advice on here. And some terrible advice too!

It may be better to post on the SEN boards in future.

I have an older child who can be a 'school refuser'. No diagnosis as yet but I'm sure its asd probably also adhd. (I work in SEN and older child has their diagnosis.)

Overall (but not always), the main influence on things working or not is my approach. I have to do things differently and recognise the fact it's a nervous system overload not a naughty child.

People who haven't seen the absolute state of my child when she's distressed would not believe me. She's an absolutely model student, so chatty and friendly in my friend groups etc. People who have never dealt with this don't get it at all.

I've had to change my job and hours to manage and I've had to parent differently. There have been days of absolute refusal and days when we've gone in late. Thankfully, all my work places have been supportive and I've been able to juggle things but it's hard. And it's also hard on my child who feels so guilty for causing the disruption but just cannot think clearly enough to move past it at that time. We always talk about it afterwards but it's not a choice. I've had to think about different routines, reminders and strategies to mitigate the feelings of overwhelm.

I just wanted to say, you're not alone. It's tough but hang in there. And even if they refuse now and again, its not a guarantee that they'll refuse outright and you'll never get them in again. Be kind to yourself and if you cry, cry. It's a lot of difficult feelings and you are trying to solve everything in one go.

I hope you're OK.

Once again, you are assuming that the child chose to refuse to go to the holiday club. As opposed to he couldn’t go because he was overwhelmed and anxious.
If he couldn’t go because he was vomiting would you punish him? If he couldn’t go because he had broken his leg would you punish him?

Old school? That means you would force him to do it against his will.
How would you do that? Would you beat him until he submitted? Frighten him? Drag him? Berate him until gave in?

So he’s calmed down massively and I’ve taken him on a quick walk (over my lunchtime, laundry will have to be done later) and he’s told me that he just didn’t want to go. It’s somewhere he’s been before, it’s an active club which is something he loves. There’s nothing there like loud music or forced activities that he would dislike, it’s literally swimming/football/basketball etc with the option to sit and colour in if you don’t want to participate.
I’ve not forced him to have a rubbish day, but I have said no tv or iPad and he can’t sit with me while I work, so he’s bored at least. I don’t want him to see this as a fun alternative to going. I’ve explained that this is absolutely a one off and he cannot do it ever again. He’s said he won’t but we will see. I’m just honestly not sure what I could have done differently, or can do to avoid it if he starts again

He’s shown he’s not capable of making that decision by laying in bed screaming. Old school = discipline and realising the parents are the adults. Not hard is it.

What has he been doing?