Well I’m screwed here

[LongDroop]

Son is 9 ASD and actually settles really well into summer holidays after the first week of adjustment. Unfortunately I’m a single working parent so childcare over summer is difficult. My parent help and I’ve got a couple of school friends who we rotate all having the kids so the others have some time. Today is one of three days that I couldn’t get covered so I booked my kids onto a holiday club. There’s multiple options where we live, so I picked one where he already does an activity and knows. He’s been there before during Easter and loved it. He did one day last week and loved it. Today, he’s refusing to go. Lying in bed in his PJs screaming if I even enter his room. Won’t eat, won’t dress. We have to leave in 20 minutes so I can drop them and he won’t budge. He’s too big to psychically drag, he hasn’t eaten so will be in the worst mood ever even if I get him there. I have to work. What the hell am I supposed to do?

OP knows her own child and she said he just didn't feel like going. It seems you and a few other posters are determined this DC is "too ill" to go and saying his Mum must be wrong. 🤷 Sometimes kids just don't want to do something.

. I’ve explained that this is absolutely a one off and he cannot do it ever again

presuming he does do it again Op, you now have some time to think about what your response / action would be for when it does happen again. What are you thinking you’ll do next time?

Of course it makes the child feel guilty. They can’t do whatever it is, and then their parent says they must do it because otherwise they can’t go to work. So now the child feels anxious about going, and guilty because they know they should go, but they can’t.
I have 3 dc. DS1 is perfectly behaved, never in trouble, always does as he is told. I thought it was because I am a good parent, but it’s not. He has ASD and is hyper compliant. So even though he was scared, anxious, upset, he would still do whatever I told him. As a result he had a lot of sickness, tummy aches, headaches. Bit his nails until they bled, couldn’t sleep, had nightmares. But he went to school and clubs so all good.
DS2 is pretty well behaved, responded well to both rewards and punishments, loves school, loves clubs, very rarely in trouble, no detentions or anything like that. No anxiety, no ASD.
DD has ASD and separation anxiety. She struggles to go to school, she struggles to go to holiday clubs, even if it’s something she really, really wants to do. When she was little I would carry her into school and they would restrain her until I left.
The school have tried everything, threats, punishment, guilt, rewards. Nothing works. It’s not won’t, she can’t do it. And trying to override the anxiety and force children into compliance is what causes burnout and ongoing mental health issues.
I’m not desperate, I’m fed up and exasperated with people who think that autistic children can be bullied into compliance, and praise the parenting skills of the people who have managed to force their children into compliance. It’s exhausting fighting against people who think you’re a bad parent, when they have no experience of parenting a child with autism and anxiety.
I agonise over what I put DS1 and DD through when they were younger because I was misadvised and believed I was doing the right thing.

What is the big deal with a 9 year old feeling a bit of guilt? Seriously?

@Elisheva not everyone has kids whereby If necessary I tell them what to do and they do it, I have no idea what I would do if they didn’t because we’ve never got that far.

Well autism isn’t an illness, so I’m not saying he was unwell, I’m saying the reaction the OP describes sounds like overwhelm and forcing an overwhelmed child to do anything isn’t going to end well.

Ha, if only she'd thought of that...game changer! 😂🤦‍♂️

Honestly though, what is your suggestion? What discipline are you proposing she uses on her neurodiverse child? Cause I'm seeing a lot of big chat about being 'old school' (whatever that actually means...doesn't acknowledge neurodiversity) but no actual examples or experience.

Indeed. What he was experiencing at the time is very different to what he is experiencing and able to articulate when calm.

You have handled this the right way. Talked to him once he is calm. Relatively boring day at home.

one thing my ASD DD’s therapist recommended for her is setting up incentives for doing things she doesn’t want to do. Dd is an older teen so the specifics are a bit different, but it may still help. Things like feeling like she just can’t face folding her laundry, deciding that when she is done she gets to have a cappuccino. She was nervous about starting to drive herself to certain things, so I paid for her to get her nails done at a place near where she needed to go. That way she was motivated to drive there independently the first time. Once she did it. She knew she could do it again.

holiday clubs can be hard for ASD kids. I think the two of you admitting that and working out a plan of short-term and long term rewards might help. You know your child’s currency, both small and big, so figure out what works for him. It’s important though to not set things up that one tiny wobble scuttles a big reward. You don’t want to create anxiety with this system by setting perfectionist standards combined with super long-term goals.

Thanks for the help everyone. We’ve discussed it again this evening and he’s reiterated that he didn’t want to go, rather than he had any worries about going or fear of being there.

for those asking- there’s no father on the scene, he literally doesn’t know where we live and I hope to keep it that way. There’s definitely no support in that direction

I've been in the situation with DS and school and it is horrible! It happend 3-4 times last school year. He doesn't have any diagnosis but he has strong ASD traits.
He gets himself so worked up and obviously he's too big to physically take him. It's so upsetting for us both. He can't really articulate why he doesn't want to go he 'just can't do it' he says. He crys and hyperventilates, complete overwhelm for him, horrible to watch and then I get more stressed about missing work.

I've asked school for support and explained the situation but they just say 'hes fine when he's here.' Usually he calms by around lunchtime. I don't think some of the suggestions here are particularly helpful a he's not being purposely naughty, it's complete meltdown and distress. He's not in control at all when he gets to that stage. If anyone has any suggestions for how to deal with this I'd be open to hearing them.

How are you doing now op? It sounds like it was a big shock to the system for you. There’s been some good advice on the thread and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

If you are a parent of a special needs child, I am pretty sure you get additional parental leave days. Whilst that doesn't help in the moment, it might make life easier in future.

@TartanMammy this is it exactly. It’s like his brain shuts off and he’s like an animal trapped in a cage. It’s something I can almost feel and there’s a definite switch when he flips back

How was he this morning OP?

Are you pursuing a diagnosis @TartanMammy ?

We're not at the moment, I have no idea where to start or if I even should. We don't have support of school who don't recognise any issue. I've been asking for support since he was very little which various things and always dismissed - he masks at school obviously. My dp is reluctant as he doesnt want to label him 🙄. Ds himself (nearly 11) recognises he had his differences and 'quirks' but won't engage in any discussion/support. I know it isn't his decision to make but I feel stuck with where to go. When you hear of diagnosis taking years.

Day to day, we know how to adapt and support him. We're quite tuned into his needs. He's smart and sociable boy (although very particular about who he spends time with!). But every so often something like this happens that makes it so blindingly obvious - to me. I'm worried what secondary school might bring for him.

I think you dealt with it well and really similar to how I have dealt with it after the initial crisis. There is absolutely no way you can force a child in that state, it's far beyond bribery or discipline.

I have said to school in the past 'he is too distressed to come to school today, to the point it has made him unwell.'

And when he still refuses?

@TartanMammy your child is almost starting secondary.

If are almost certain that is ASD

You urgently need to progress. Either privately if you can afford. If not, GP and meet with the school…. And really engage with them about what’s happening at home.

And is he has “strong ASD traits” then the school will have had to have had its head in the sand if it’s not noticed even a hint of this

Your DP doesn’t want him labelled @TartanMammy

well the way things seem to be heading, he’s going to be “labelled” a troublemaker in secondary school with consequences.

In any event, how grossly selfish of your partner when a diagnosis can open so many doors for support. For. His. Son!

1hr and a bit to go til you can log off from work. Fingers crossed for tomorrow

He's not a trouble maker in anyway shape or form, he is a bright, quiet, kind, loving, sociable and boy. GP will not refer further without reports from other professionals, school do not see an issue as he causes them no trouble and is in top groups. Did you not read the part where I said we've been asking for support for years?

Thank you for your concern but this is for our family to make a decision on, not a stranger on the internet who has no idea about our full situation.

With respect I did not ask for your opinion. I asked if anyone had any strategies or ways they deal with refusal to attend.

So he’s a delight and thriving at school
and 3/4x in a school year refused to go

I wouldn’t worry too much bit of and when you do…. Perhaps go private if he’s still being a delight at school

No advice OP as I have no experience with this just wanted to sorry you had to deal with that this morning, it sounds very stressful but you got on with it and all is well.

I hope you have better days x