Well I’m screwed here

[LongDroop]

Son is 9 ASD and actually settles really well into summer holidays after the first week of adjustment. Unfortunately I’m a single working parent so childcare over summer is difficult. My parent help and I’ve got a couple of school friends who we rotate all having the kids so the others have some time. Today is one of three days that I couldn’t get covered so I booked my kids onto a holiday club. There’s multiple options where we live, so I picked one where he already does an activity and knows. He’s been there before during Easter and loved it. He did one day last week and loved it. Today, he’s refusing to go. Lying in bed in his PJs screaming if I even enter his room. Won’t eat, won’t dress. We have to leave in 20 minutes so I can drop them and he won’t budge. He’s too big to psychically drag, he hasn’t eaten so will be in the worst mood ever even if I get him there. I have to work. What the hell am I supposed to do?

So not overwhelmed and anxious at all then - just didn’t fancy it. I think you did the right thing by making sure that his day at home will be pretty boring in contrast in that case!

Do NOT let him see you are concerned or upset about this. If he gets a whiff that this is anything other than him not fancying it and you seeing through it…. It will spiral

But what do you mean by ‘discipline’? What would you actually do?

No TV?
Cancel a plan looking forward to?
bed early?

that kind of thing

And if they still refuse?
Because trust me, we’ve tried all that.

So he’s calmed down massively and I’ve taken him on a quick walk (over my lunchtime, laundry will have to be done later) and he’s told me that he just didn’t want to go. It’s somewhere he’s been before, it’s an active club which is something he loves.

It can be really difficult for someone who is autistic to articulate why they felt unable to do something. I know my DD would say she just doesn’t want to go - it can take time for her to realise that it’s X thing putting her off. I don’t see him being wilful here, just a bit stuck.

I would tell him it’s important that he goes because I have to go to work. I can’t take a day off. He has to go.

Who stops to start a Mumsnet thread in the middle of a crisis like this?

So now you’ve added guilt to the anxiety.

And when he can’t calm down enough to get dressed and out the door?

It’s not about guilt. It’s about day to day family living. We all have our parts to play and when you’re a child you have to acknowledge the parents are in charge. I don’t know what more I can add.

🤷‍♀️

My main takeaway from this is just how many twats there are posting right here on Mumsnet

if you don’t understand how autistic children can behave then why are you even commenting? With your hilarious talk of discipline etc, Laughable

Sounds like you handled it well OP. I wouldn’t mention it to him again now so he doesn’t build it up as a ‘thing’ in his brain. Maybe consider booking a short session for him at the club when you absolutely don’t need him to go, just to ease him back in

I have two autistic children. And I’m an SEN teacher. I recently did a CAMHS parenting course after one of my kid’s anxiety became catastrophic. One thing that CAMHS practitioners really helped me to see was how often I was accidentally reinforcing my son’s fears - and that he does sometimes need to be gently pushed to experience discomfort (with love and thought).

I did. I sat with my other kids and made sure they were eating and getting ready to go out and I asked for help. Why?

I did. I explained that I needed to work and he needed to go. It didn’t work, his brain had switched off and he wasn’t taking anything in. I also tried bribes and consequences. They didn’t work either. I’m not strong enough to physically wrestle him out the door, so what exactly should I do next? Do you actually have an autistic child or are you just one of those judgy people with no knowledge or experience who likes to say how naughty they are?

I absolutely agree they need to be supported to experience discomfort but when they’re already overwhelmed and extremely distressed isn’t the time to push even further. That’s after things are calm and you can agree a clear plan, including coping strategies and supports. Not in the aftermath of a complete meltdown and when you have pressing commitments and so can’t focus on the plan.

What are you asking them to do?

No advice OP but just wanted to send you a hug! Don't listen to people on here who are judging you - they really have NO idea. I have been there and it's not easy - as you say, you can't physically wrestle a 9 year old into his clothes and into the car. You've done the best you can, it's a tough day so be kind to yourself. You sound like a lovely mum 💐

Guilt?

The very fact you jump to that conclusion @Elisheva may be contributing to fact your children aren’t listening to you or responding to any kind of discipline you try to introduce. And you sound quite desperate as a result

OP spoke with her DS and he told her he just didn't want to go. He didn't feel like going. Not he couldn't go because of illness just didn't want to go. Read OP words.

To be fair op

you posted in “Chat”

how Is he spending the day?

How many 9 year olds have the self awareness and articulation to explain “their illness” made them unable to go? If you’re expecting a child to be able to explain their autistic burn out, heightened anxiety etc you’ll have a long wait. As parents who know and love our children, it’s our job to read between the lines a bit.

Is there another parent in this scenario? Can they be drafted in to allow you to work?