How to tell my friend who lives in Saudi to stop bloody patronising me!

[SomeLikeitSnot]

My friend lives in KSA with her family and LOVES it. Loves having a live in maid, pool on site, glitz and glamour. Great- v happy for her! Shes in the UK over summer visiting and we are seeing her a lot and shes driving me INSANE.
Shes taken on this real 'aw poor you stuck in UK its sooo hard here' mentality and I find it so grating. I have no inclination to move to Saudi/the middle east and her acting like Im jealous of her life is becoming so tiresome.
When we are chatting she will keep saying 'sorry I'll stop going on about the sun and lifestyle it must be hard to hear!' when I honestly couldnt care less. Sounds great for her and I love the stories- I also love the UK countryside/weather/culture/all our friends and family. I think she feels me prickling and thinks is jealousy.
I remember from visiting friends in the UAE everyone is v anti-UK and thinks its a shithole and theres a real feeling of people 'escaping' to the ME but I really don't mind it here and I want to say something to cut out the comments.
She is a friend so I wont want to make a sarky comment about womens rights/death penalty etc just a 'please stop feeling sorry for me, I dont want your life'!

Have you been there? I've lived there since 2013 and never had to wear a head covering outside our compound. And 'glitzy' isn't a word I'd use to describe the country either.

She doesn't sound much like a friend to me.

Friends dont want you to feel less than them.

Wat about saying look, I understand it's important to you to feel like I'm jealous of you but I'm really not, I'm sorry. I'm happy with my own life. I'm glad youre happy with yours and I just wish you didnt feel the need to pretend I'm unhappy. Why cant with both be happy with our different choices? There doesn't need to be a winner. We're not in competition.

Preferably less wordy.

Probably very childish of me but I’d just mention the words “bone saw” around her a lot. UK may be struggling but at least we don’t live in a country where journalists are brutally murdered for criticising our leaders

I could not think of anything worse than living in Saudi. Quite apart from the human rights issues, the heat would be awful, 40°+! Just tell her calmly ' sounds like you are really loving it, but it would not be for me, I prefer English countryside, weather ' etc. Remember, the calmer you stay the better.

She doesn’t have to though does she, that’s my point. No one is forcing her to do that job or indeed live in Saudi but she has obviously decided to do so because she feels she can make more money and provide a better life for her family. In all likelihood her 1 year old child is back in the Philippines with relatives, and yes it is sad that she’s away from her child but that’s the reality of being born in a poorer country. You clearly have no direct experience of this but if you’re so concerned about their plight I’d like to know what you are proactively doing to help the situation in their home countries so they don’t feel they ‘have to’ move abroad for a better future since you feel so strongly about this? You talk about fair wages but it’s all relative surely - there are plenty of people in the UK who are struggling to get by on minimum wage and working two jobs, long hours and so on that no doubt serve you directly or indirectly in your daily life so I hope you are as concerned about them and are topping up their wages so it’s fair? And before I get jumped on, I am not for a moment suggesting that mistreatment and abuse of foreign maids in these countries doesn’t happen or that there aren’t real issues around their lack of legal rights - its clearly a massive issue particularly in the Middle East, but the majority of employers treat their maids well and are not exploiting them in my opinion and experience.

Yes, I wish people of a "progressive" persuasion would avoid this stereotypical idea that "Brits abroad adamantly call themselves expats because they can't face up to the awful reality that they are in fact immigrants".

Such opinions are usually offered by die-hard Remain supporters (of which I am one too, for the avoidance of doubt), often accompanied by lazy comments about all/most Brits abroad refuse to learn Spanish/French, voted for Brexit, drink Carling in the English Pub all day, and eat egg and chips for lunch while complaining about immigration to "this country" meaning the UK. One or two people like that undeniably exist, but they are a tiny minority who get a lot of exposure because they make such compelling TV. (Aside: huevos fritos con patatas washed down with una caña is a perfectly valid lunch for 15th-generation born-and-bred Spanish people, available in any cafetería in Spain.)

The reality is that in most cases, people who live outside the country where they were born have both roles. They are expats relative to their home country, and immigrants relative to their new country. One minute spent googling will turn up websites dedicated to Nigerian expats, Indian expats, etc. Beating yourself (or, more likely, expats/immigrants, by proxy) up about this is just tedious.

Fuck me!!!! Are you for real as well??!! I wouldn't be getting mad at her native country would I? I'd be getting mad at western countries that have exploited the east. We pay fuck all for rice, fuck all for tea and spices, fuck all to all the sweat shops that make our cheap clothes and mobile phones and all the fucking shite off Temu. People like you make me sick. Oohh we paid him well and gave them laptops. Bleeuuurrgghhh. You did all that to ease your conscience.

i usually get sarky at this type of behaviour 😂 when someone goes on about someone, I usually say, omg you haven’t mentioned it. I just can’t help my self

NDN's daughter was a teacher there for years and they thought them weird cos they wouldn't have a maid, she did her own cleaning etc. She is much happier now she's back living in the UK.

The maids are often trafficked from other countries after being promised a good job/life.

It’s an expat thing. I’ve done it in a few countries, not the ME, and it’s a different bubble. Just ignore. I became a bore when I first returned to the UK. It drove my family nuts.

Ditto. My husband was asked to go there multiple times for really enormous money, with every benefit to us as a family to move, villa, drivers, multiple flights, boarding schools paid, etc, .
We wouldn't move for ANY money.
We were not alone in our view.

😂 I like your style.

I have two friends who were similar OP: one living in rural France and the other in California. When we’d get together when they came back to the UK to visit, they were very similar to your friend, to the point of patronising, and “Ugh, imagine having to live back here?! I could never!” We are all from the same very nice UK town and I still live here.
Anyway, several years down the line… Ms France is living in a flat a couple of towns over from mine because she can’t afford it here. And Ms Cali got divorced and has been living back with her parents for a couple of years trying to save a deposit.
And I’m definitely not smug about any of it lol

People who are genuinely happy, don't need to go on about it every other minute / talk down to others who have made different life decision. Sounds like she's trying to convince herself, OR she's lonely and wants you to move over there so she has a friend.

Also, I wouldn't move to Saudi for all the maids in the world! I'd much rather run my own hoover round, without the risk of being lynched for showing an elbow.

Why would she need to ease her conscience? @Shmithecat2has very likely made more of a difference to her housekeeper’s life than you ever will to any of the people in these countries. Again, what is it that you are doing to solve all the injustices in the world other than judging people on MN and presumably not buying rice or unnecessary shit on Temu?

Give her a chance.

"When we are chatting she will keep saying 'sorry I'll stop going on about the sun and lifestyle it must be hard to hear!'"

Hey, friend, I love haring about your stories and what a lovely time you're having, the only thing that's hard to hear is your apologies about my choice to live in the UK - kind of makes me feel you don't listen to me or understand me at all.

If she can't deal with that positively, then... let her go and maybe one day she'll get her head out of her own arse and start treating you like a true human friend with their own preferences, stories, problems and personal victories. Friendship is a two-way thing, she needs to step up to her part and actually listen to you, take an equal interest in you and your life in the terrible, grey UK. She needs to understand that you are not the same people.

Yes! I had an ex-colleague (British) who moved back to Nicaragua where his wife was from, and where they had met a few years before. We received this really long, boasting email from him all about how they lived like kings "As I gaze over the mountains, my maid is cleaning up" etc etc. It was really sick-making.

The story had a very sad ending though, when his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer at 38, and she died because they couldn't get the right treatment in time. It certainly taught him that he didn't live in paradise, but I'd have settled for him deciding he couldn't stand life without Marks and Sparks anymore. 😢 Unsurprisingly, he's bringing the kids up in the UK.

Oh, why not give the people what they want? 😂 If you just say "Yes, it sounds amazing. I wish I had a maid and a pool too!" then she might shut up!

I wouldn't set foot in Saudi even for a day, for all the money in the world. But some people clearly like it and can somehow overlook the human/women’s rights issues. So they should crack on if they wish. I agree that she sounds like she is trying very hard to convince herself that she is in the right place.

I live in Ireland (moved here from London a few years ago), love it, dont want to be anywhere else, and I do praise it to people if they ask what its like, but wouldn't go on about people being jealous of me, despite it being the best place in the world FOR ME.

Def trying to convince herself. Having lived in various ME locations, can say it's full of people trying to convince themselves how marvelous it is. Lots of them were estranged from families, which seemed a factor.

Would probably say ' are you recruiting or something? :)

👏🏼👏🏼

I don't think she's trying to convince herself of anything. When you first move abroad you can get really sucked into the glamour and fun of expat life. She's still on that high and is likely trying to convince YOU how great it is. But you don't care. And why should you? If you cared enough to experience it, you'd have moved abroad somewhere yourself. (No shade intended, just trying to explain her thought process)

She is being completely tone deaf and rude though. Clearly, you're not enjoying her waxing lyrical about how great it is, and she should be trying to find other topics of conversation that aren't so grating/condescending for you to listen to.

It's just one of those things you learn, sometimes the hard way. No one cares how fun your life has become.

I can judge whoever the hell I like and I will. You're all pouncing because people like me don't tow your capitalist line and see the world without the rose tinted glasses(or is it just turning a blind eye). I'm pretty sure the house keeper would have been much happier being able to make a living in his own country with his family close by without being subservient to people who looked down on him.

Not just women’s rights. Political rights are awful with people receiving hefty sentences for the most minor dissent on social media. Funnily enough I have a friend in KSA who is the same. I think there is a lot going for it if you live there like almost zero crime, nice houses and cars. Parts of the country like the deserts and southern mountains are beautiful. But the fact is it’s way too hot to do much a lot of the year so you’d have to like that mall/cinema/shops/pool/air con life.