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Original poster

Parents talking about changing their will because I'm widowed

89 replies

Blanketwrap · 30/07/2025 13:21

Widowed several years ago and I'm financially independent. It's not so they can take care of me, it's because they're worried I'll remarry and their money will end up with my new DH/his DC, rather than their DGC.

So, whilst they'd always planned to leave their money to me and DSis, now they're talking about leaving directly to GC.

I have never felt I have a stake in their money. Whenever they worry over inheritance tax, for example, I tell them the best way to avoid it is to spend it! If it did come to me, I'd probably use most of it to help DC anyway.

However, I'm feeling hurt by this. It's not that I want the money, I live a good life and don't need it, genuinely hope they live such a full and active life that it's all spent, but it cuts that they don't trust me not to put my DC's interests first.

I guess this has come about because I'm have been seeing a man for the last year or so, but I've made it clear to him, and to my parents, I have no intention of marrying, for exactly this reason (to protect my own assets for DC).

I know there's nothing I can or should do about it, but it's shocked me how upset I am about this.

OP posts:
Finteq · 30/07/2025 13:23

YABU.

I would probably do the same.

Iloveeverycat · 30/07/2025 13:30

I have always known if my DH dies before me and his DM. It will go to GC.

Mumofteenandtween · 30/07/2025 13:31

Iloveeverycat · 30/07/2025 13:30

I have always known if my DH dies before me and his DM. It will go to GC.

Yes but this is the OP’s own parents - not her in laws.

Original poster
Blanketwrap · 30/07/2025 13:31

Iloveeverycat · 30/07/2025 13:30

I have always known if my DH dies before me and his DM. It will go to GC.

Yes of course for his parents, but your parents?

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 30/07/2025 13:34

Why are you so upset about it, given you don’t need the assets and would give them to your children anyway?

I think it’s a fair concern from your parents - and I have seen many, many families in which the parents have remarried when older. Even living together can leave a partner with some claim over assets after a long period. And of course - right now you say you wouldn’t, but things may change.

Finteq · 30/07/2025 13:41

For me it would depend on the ages of my kids.

If they were younger I'd hope to help them along the way.

But obviously hope they can fund themselves so it's not me they are relying on.

Then when they older I would assume any grandkids would need it more than my own kids.

Obviously depends on the circumstances. But I would hope to amend my will as needed as I get older.

So currently it goes to the kids.

But if older I may amend as needed.

Aspanielstolemysanity · 30/07/2025 13:43

Doesn't this maybe make sense anyway if it will enable their grandchildren children to get on the housing ladder etc?

Aspanielstolemysanity · 30/07/2025 13:44

Finteq · 30/07/2025 13:41

For me it would depend on the ages of my kids.

If they were younger I'd hope to help them along the way.

But obviously hope they can fund themselves so it's not me they are relying on.

Then when they older I would assume any grandkids would need it more than my own kids.

Obviously depends on the circumstances. But I would hope to amend my will as needed as I get older.

So currently it goes to the kids.

But if older I may amend as needed.

Yes both sets of my grandparents changed their wills to give more to grandchildren once all their grandchildren were adults and their children were all comfortably off

Original poster
Blanketwrap · 30/07/2025 13:44

Aspanielstolemysanity · 30/07/2025 13:43

Doesn't this maybe make sense anyway if it will enable their grandchildren children to get on the housing ladder etc?

This is possibly one of my concerns atm. My DC are young adults. Not yet ready/looking to buy their own homes, too young to have a large sum of money land in their laps and not do something stupid with it!

OP posts:
Radioundermypillow · 30/07/2025 13:44

I'd be upset too OP.

ShanghaiDiva · 30/07/2025 13:45

I would be upset too as the implication is that you not prioritising your children and they need to manage this for you.

DalstonsRhubarb · 30/07/2025 13:46

Yes that’s hurtful. It’s also nonsensical as if your DH hadn’t died and you had died first, he would have inherited from you and can have whatever he wanted with the money.

InjuryMyArse · 30/07/2025 13:46

They're not wrong to do it, but I understand that you are hurt.
It feels personal but it's likely them being practical.
Maybe try to think how you would handle the same situation, in their place.

If you are not needing the money, it's really best that it is done this way.

Original poster
Blanketwrap · 30/07/2025 13:48

DalstonsRhubarb · 30/07/2025 13:46

Yes that’s hurtful. It’s also nonsensical as if your DH hadn’t died and you had died first, he would have inherited from you and can have whatever he wanted with the money.

Yes, but I think they'd have been more confident he'd see DC right that they would AN Other man.

OP posts:
ExponentialDelivery · 30/07/2025 13:48

It can be put in trust till they are say 25 years old. Look at it this way, if you did want to marry your new man you are now able to do so in the knowledge that in the event of divorce after your parents deaths it won't affect your DCs money.

Marylou2 · 30/07/2025 13:48

Wouldn't it be better to leave the money in a trust with you and your children as beneficiaries? My parents have set up something similar and my own will reflects this too. I understand their concern that money they've worked hard for could end up in the hands of people they don't know.

Upsetbetty · 30/07/2025 13:51

This would upset me too…if you remarried they would be ok with you inheriting his money I’m sure? My ex said similar to me when I bought a house with my now DP he didn’t want “what used to be his money 🙄” going to DP if I died (not that I would do that and completely disinherit my dc!) but he soon shut up when i pointed out to him that the dc would inherit from DP when he passes as he has stipulated that I inherit from him. You can’t have it both ways…

BananaPeanutToast · 30/07/2025 13:51

I get why you are upset. But I guess I can think of plenty of circumstances where people have made out of character decisions to marry after being swept away, often in later mid life, and after swearing they never would.

You so often see on here that an older parent has been silly and trusting or not got round to making a will after remarrying then indeed the estate goes to the step family,

I wonder if your parents just see it as protecting the risk of any eventuality.

If you are worried about your kids blowing it all can’t it go into trust until they are a bit older? That wouldn’t be difficult to put as a condition.

Redrosesposies · 30/07/2025 13:52

They could put it into trust with only you and your children as beneficiaries. You would be entitled to the income (as would your children once they are 18) but the capital would be protected (as beneficiaries you can all apply for capital for major expenses like cars, holidays, house purchase etc)
It's not straightforward and there are tax implications and costs involved so may not be worth it unless it's a substantial amount.
A STEP qualified advisor is the best person to talk to.

Didntask · 30/07/2025 13:54

MidnightPatrol · 30/07/2025 13:34

Why are you so upset about it, given you don’t need the assets and would give them to your children anyway?

I think it’s a fair concern from your parents - and I have seen many, many families in which the parents have remarried when older. Even living together can leave a partner with some claim over assets after a long period. And of course - right now you say you wouldn’t, but things may change.

She said 'However, I'm feeling hurt by this. It's not that I want the money, I live a good life and don't need it, genuinely hope they live such a full and active life that it's all spent, but it cuts that they don't trust me not to put my DC's interests first.'

That's why shes upset. HTH.

KingfisherAmmonite · 30/07/2025 13:55

Blanketwrap · 30/07/2025 13:44

This is possibly one of my concerns atm. My DC are young adults. Not yet ready/looking to buy their own homes, too young to have a large sum of money land in their laps and not do something stupid with it!

Show quote history

Ask your parents to put it in trust until they're 25. Do this smoothly as they probably won't want to be reminded of the possibility one or both might before the kids are that age! Offer to help find a solicitor if this feels daunting to them.

crisppackets · 30/07/2025 13:55

Blanketwrap · 30/07/2025 13:48

Yes, but I think they'd have been more confident he'd see DC right that they would AN Other man.

Show quote history

That’s weird. They would think your DH would prioritise your DC even if he remarried more than you would?

why?

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 30/07/2025 13:56

I can see why it upsets you, it’s like they’ve decided your sister can be trusted to make good financial decisions but you can’t. (Or perhaps, your brother is law is trusted to make sensible decisions on your sister’s behalf, whereas you are a vulnerable widow who doesn’t have a man to make decisions for you).

I would tell them fine, but they have to be consistent. Your sister could die shortly after they do and your BIL remarry. Your sister could divorce and half go to BIL and then onto his new family. That you do see this as them saying you might make stupid choices and want them to explain why dsis isn’t being treated the same.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 30/07/2025 13:57

And it’s ok to say to them it’s upsetting, even if you accept their right to do this. Sometimes it’s worth just having the conversation.

Original poster
Blanketwrap · 30/07/2025 13:59

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 30/07/2025 13:56

I can see why it upsets you, it’s like they’ve decided your sister can be trusted to make good financial decisions but you can’t. (Or perhaps, your brother is law is trusted to make sensible decisions on your sister’s behalf, whereas you are a vulnerable widow who doesn’t have a man to make decisions for you).

I would tell them fine, but they have to be consistent. Your sister could die shortly after they do and your BIL remarry. Your sister could divorce and half go to BIL and then onto his new family. That you do see this as them saying you might make stupid choices and want them to explain why dsis isn’t being treated the same.

Tbf, I think they'll do it so all the money goes directly to GC - DSis conveniently has the same number of DC as me, also just adults.

OP posts: