Parents talking about changing their will because I'm widowed

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Widowed several years ago and I'm financially independent. It's not so they can take care of me, it's because they're worried I'll remarry and their money will end up with my new DH/his DC, rather than their DGC.

So, whilst they'd always planned to leave their money to me and DSis, now they're talking about leaving directly to GC.

I have never felt I have a stake in their money. Whenever they worry over inheritance tax, for example, I tell them the best way to avoid it is to spend it! If it did come to me, I'd probably use most of it to help DC anyway.

However, I'm feeling hurt by this. It's not that I want the money, I live a good life and don't need it, genuinely hope they live such a full and active life that it's all spent, but it cuts that they don't trust me not to put my DC's interests first.

I guess this has come about because I'm have been seeing a man for the last year or so, but I've made it clear to him, and to my parents, I have no intention of marrying, for exactly this reason (to protect my own assets for DC).

I know there's nothing I can or should do about it, but it's shocked me how upset I am about this.

No. Absolutely the opposite. I'm the sensible one. They're proud of what I've achieved financially, and the way I've coped since DH died.

I've never had or needed any financial help from them, but I've always known it would be freely given if I did. When DH was sick they would have paid whatever it took to help, if there'd been a way.

My parents did this. They didn't want their savings to benefit my brother's stepchildren, they wanted it to go to their own grandchildren. "They are nice enough kids but they aren't our family. We want the money to benefit our children and grandchildren, not people who aren't related to us."

My uncle left everything to his second wife and my cousins ended up with nothing, which probaby influenced my parents.

I know someone who this has happened to, didn’t get any inheritance because it went to the new spouse, who will in turn pass it on to their own children.

In some ways I understand their perspective. I have very strong feelings about my child’s financial future and I’m always perplexed by people who marry again later in life.

i would also be concerned about a lump sum that might not be handled well by someone without enough maturity to understand this is money that should form the basis of a lifetime’s financial security. If they want to proceed with the plan to give the money to the grandchildren, I would ask that they place it in trust and that it only pay out for certain uses before certain ages. Housing deposits are acceptable, holidays are not.

I get it, OP. It's basically your parents saying that they don't trust you to do what you say you are going to do and are cutting you out. That would hurt, even if intellectually you understand why they're doing it.

I can also see the other point of view. I am where I am today partly because family money was passed down to me by my parents and a couple of aunts. It's family money that's grown over three generations of careful living and I'd like it to go to the younger generation of my family and not get distributed among unrelated step-children. I also have my own money, money I've managed to make and save over the years, and that I intend to donate to charity and to provide a windfall for a couple of friends who haven't had the kind of support in their lives that I have enjoyed.

They’re being sensible. Anything could and does happen, there are always stories about it in the news.

For eg. They die leave everything to you, and then you die unexpectedly. The man fights the will and your kids for that money. Or even worse, you’ve married him (though you don’t plan to now who knows what could happen).

So they’re just being sensible. But I can see why it’d hurt you a bit, too.

Totally agree. This is why I’d be hurt as well. It’s totally different to “you’re ok financially, we’d like to help the next generation who are just starting out”. This is “well you can’t really be trusted to do things in your children’s best interests, so we’re not giving you the chance to fuck up”

They won't do a trust, dad absolutely refuses to do anything that involves paying solicitors or financial advisors

Thank goodness for that!

We are now in the situation where a trust is just going to be a total pain in the rear end!

I'd feel hurt in your position because it suggests to me that they don't trust your decision making and ability to cope with grown up life. I'd also feel that they think this because you are a woman on your own (I am widowed too but after my parents died) and haveing got a man to do the financial decision making. Only you can know if that's true or not.

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No, that's not true. They know I've always been responsible for the finances and the reason I (we when I was married) are comfortable. We used to joke that if I ran off with the milkman, DH would have no idea how much he'd lost. He left everything financial completely to me.

I’d probably feel hurt as well as it would seem like they weren’t trusting me to put my children first.

My dad’s wife’s son (not biological son but she brought him up from when he was very small) sadly died of cancer and they amended their will to leave his share of the inheritance to his widow. They had not been married that long and had no children, and she has already inherited his house as they didn’t live together.

I think if you are set up it makes sense for it to go to the grandchildren. I am trying really hard to help my children over the next few years with house deposits and uni etc. So by the time I’m 50 I’m hoping they are fairly set up. In the future if I had grandchildren and I don’t end up spending all my money/ equity in my house on cruises/ care home fees then it would make sense to me to leave it to my (hypothetical) grandchildren.
If my mum ends up leaving me anything I would give it directly to my children anyway so it would be fine if she left it directly to them.
I don’t think there is any reason to be upset in your position. I think it’s sensible. Their reasons may be silly as you know you aren’t going to marry the boyfriend or share money with them but ultimately what does it matter. Your children will end up with an inheritance (obviously depending on other things) so that is a positive.

My parents updated their wills recently.
Both my sibling and I are married with children. Parents have written their wills in such a way that should anything happen to my sibling or I before my parents die, inheritance would pass directly to the grandchildren.
I see it as pragmatic rather than being offended.
Whilst I can understand your upset with your parents, I think it's very sensible.

I would be upset, I inherited from my
DF and gave 70% of it to my DC but I wanted to make this decision and spend it wisely. My DC will inherit from me so I would be upset if they also inherited from DGP’s and I was missed out.

I can understand why you're hurt. Not the same circumstances, but my parents aren't leaving their children inheritance and are giving it all to charity. I've always been brought up to never 'expect' inheritance, which is fine, but it doesn't stop it being hurtful and rather cutting when dealing with interest hikes in mortgages and struggling with the cost of living. My mum has the strange view of "why would I leave it to adult children", yet none of us are well-off, and has no qualms about leaving it to a high-earning charity CEO. Anyway, her choice. My DH has been disinherited so we'll never receive inheritance at all, and although we know where we stand, it does make you feel a tad unloved! We wouldn't dream of not leaving our children inheritance.

Anyway, in your case, as your father refuses to put it in Trust for your children, why don't you suggest they split it equally between the children and you. So that in the event the children do blow it (god forbid), you'll still have a bit to leave them from it when they are older and (hopefully) more financially responsible.

Your father is also ridiculous to not put it in Trust, running the risk of them blowing it, yet is leaving it to them because he doesn't trust that you will be responsible with it for them.

"but it cuts that they don't trust me not to put my DC's interests first."
I can see why you feel hurt by it, I would too. But - it's not about trust, or the lack thereof. 'Hope for the best but plan for the worst' is what your parents are doing. Of course they don't expect you to not put your children's interests first, but - shit happens. As you know, personally. So they are planning for the worst - not for what they think will happen, but for the worst-case scenario. It's not about trust.

"My DC are young adults. Not yet ready/looking to buy their own homes, too young to have a large sum of money land in their laps and not do something stupid with it!"
That's worth raising with your parents. When DH and I made out wills DS was only a teenager, so there were all sorts in the will to ensure he wouldn't get the money until he was 25. Maybe they could write their wills with similar stipulations.

I wouldn't be upset by that. I think I'd be happy that my children's future is secured
Having read posts on here about cases where children have missed out because of a second marriage. Eg the mother remarries then dies , the husband inherits leaving the children with nothing.
Your parents actions mean that can't happen.

But presumably the children were the husband's children and he would leave the money to them. If OP remarries the children won't be his, he might have his own children so more of a risk that the money will never get to the grandchildren.

That's normal, and not remotely the same as what the OP's parents have done.

She’s not ‘so upset.’ I think she explained her feelings reasonably and clearly.

But the husband could have remarried and then died. Or OP and her DH could have divorced after inheriting, and the inheritance could have been half lost,

The grandchild could marry and then divorce and lose half the inheritance.

OP could be really sensible with the money, and the grandchild could piss it away. Or OP could have pissed it away had she inherited while her husband was alive. I understand skipping a generation if it makes financial sense. But I think trying to ensure it stays in the family is a bit pointless. It also doesn’t sound like OP even has a partner so this is totally hypothetical on the part of the parents.

If they did leave it to you, you can write a deed of variation (within 2 years of the death, I think) to shunt some towards your DC. This is essentially how DBro and I got house deposits when DGM died! The effect for IHT is as if you had never had the money and if the original Will had stated that.

Did they inherit? If so ask if it can skip them and go straight to you like they want to skip you. 😉I think it's a bit cheeky when people happily accept an inheritance from their parents and in laws for themselves but then decide to skip a generation. How come they didn't volunteer to be skipped over? 🤔