Parents talking about changing their will because I'm widowed

[Blanketwrap]

Widowed several years ago and I'm financially independent. It's not so they can take care of me, it's because they're worried I'll remarry and their money will end up with my new DH/his DC, rather than their DGC.

So, whilst they'd always planned to leave their money to me and DSis, now they're talking about leaving directly to GC.

I have never felt I have a stake in their money. Whenever they worry over inheritance tax, for example, I tell them the best way to avoid it is to spend it! If it did come to me, I'd probably use most of it to help DC anyway.

However, I'm feeling hurt by this. It's not that I want the money, I live a good life and don't need it, genuinely hope they live such a full and active life that it's all spent, but it cuts that they don't trust me not to put my DC's interests first.

I guess this has come about because I'm have been seeing a man for the last year or so, but I've made it clear to him, and to my parents, I have no intention of marrying, for exactly this reason (to protect my own assets for DC).

I know there's nothing I can or should do about it, but it's shocked me how upset I am about this.

This will likely have come from advice from the solicitor because he/she is acting in your parents' best interests and will have put this scenario to them to think about.

As pp suggested speak to them about your concerns re your DC age of inheriting and suggest it goes into trust with you as trustee so that you may release funds to them for a house deposit before age 25 or even 30.

Is be upset too.

You've been widowed which is a horrendous thing to experience and despite carrying on with life your parents are basically putting a financial condition on you remaining single and unmarried.

Why can’t they support you having a future and trust you’ll put your DCs before any future husband?

Id find it hurtful too

They're maybe removing that condition actually? They know I feel I "can't" remarry even if I wanted to, this way I, as well as they, know DC are provided for even if I did.

I genuinely don't think they're doing anything spiteful or disrespectful, I understand and agree with their reasoning, which is why I'm surprised how much it's hurt me.

I’d be hurt too, OP. They’re acting as if they have a better idea of your children’s best interests than you do. I think it’s almost always a terrible idea to disinherit children in favour of grandchildren; it inevitably leads to bad feeling, and it’s so unnecessary.

Op. Similar happening with me. I understand. It’s about feeling like we’re not trusted to do the right thing!
My parents are splitting my potential inheritance between myself and my son.
pleased for him, obviously. But I would have liked to be in a position to buy a buffet house which could’ve been passed down to him.
i also see that it’s fantastic he’s getting some early, for a house deposit, potentially.

Bigger house!

It's a financially very sensible move, to leave the money to grandchildren. As someone else has said, with the best will in the world, if you ended up cohabiting then your partner could have some claim on your assets. At the very least it makes the money harder to access if you were to buy a house with a new partner.

Having said that, I'd be hurt too. I'm the sole beneficiary of my Mum's will, and my kids are in their late teens. I've been with my partner for 9 years but we don't live together. If my Mum changed her will in the same way yours are proposing, I'd be insulted.

It’s a bit shit. It says they don’t trust you with your own money, yet presumably trust young adults with no experience of managing money (who will likely marry and share their assets in the somewhat near future). Doesn’t make any sense if their goal is actually protecting their money from some random.

What happens if your children turn 18 and blow it all on designer handbags because that’s the dumb sort of thing you might do at 18? Or one of them gets married to some jerk at 23 on a drunken whim and suddenly the inheritance is a marital asset?

but it cuts that they don't trust me not to put my DC's interests first

I'd share this with them. It sounds like you've always been clear that you'd rather they spend the money whole they're alive, so I don't think you run the risk of sounding grabby by discussing it. But it's horribly infantalising to suggest that they need to put your kids financial interests first because you, their actual parent, somehow won't. I'd be hurt by that too, and quite insulted.

Presumably your parents aren't expecting to die imminently though?
So you have time to start teaching your children some financial skills

I understand why you find this upsetting.

To me it feels like she is saying granny knows best.

My DM has done this, leaving her estate to her fully grown adult DGCs. Unfortunately, she has left it in trust with my DBs and I to run it.

On the other hand, being disinherited is liberating. DM has dementia and is in a care home. There will be damn all left to worry about.

Did you mean to be so rude? 🤣

Parents are in their 80s, so who knows? DC have been taught plenty, unfortunately that doesn't prevent young people doing stupid things.

Yabu I think

Step families often end up profiting in these kinds of situations. Unforseen and unintended. Your parents have probably see variations of this happen over and over again.

My stepmother lives in our old family home and it’ll be solely hers when my dad dies (she’s 25 years younger). And she certainly won’t leave it to us, even though she has no children of her own. She’s just nicking our family home. She paid nothing towards it, ever. My dad has her on a pedestal - she’s apparently brilliant at everything, talented, beautiful - when in reality, what she’s good at is taking him food and manipulation.

Of course the thing your parents can’t account for is this: grandchild gets married, uses inheritance to buy house. Few years down the line, gets divorced and loses half the house. So them worrying about you losing money upon marriage also applies to GC losing money upon marriage.

Since you don’t need the money, it’s probably best to forget about it. Your comments to them advising them to spend the money are also quite bizarre - they very clearly want their grandchildren to benefit from this money, so spending it would not achieve that objective.

Or squander it.

Exactly. An inexperienced 20-something who has just been handed a fortune is a much more likely target for a gold-digging spouse than the OP, and the upshot could be the same.

I think it actually makes sense to skip a generation when dc are financially fine. Helping GC get on housing laddder : setting them up is probably a sensible way to conserve inter generational wealth. I think now we live longer it’s probably more common.

I don't think it's you that they don't trust YOU, more that they recognise how unscrupulous some men can be.

Are you saying that you're hurt that they don't trust you not to remarry?

Are your parents likely to die soon, it could be years away, they may have care costs in the future, does your sister have children,

Hmm, but if they leave it to me, I would likely use it to get DC on the ladder.

If they leave it to DC, it could be used to buy a house or it could be used for fast cars and travel...or gambled away. Not that DC gamble afaik, but my point is I doubt it's good for any very young person to suddenly be "rich".

The other point they've raised is that it comes to.me, my own estate would be liable for IHT (assuming their money remains intact) so by bypassing me it saves tax. You can't really argue with that.

To be clear, I'm not arguing about any of it, but am surprised about how I feel about it.

I’d be hurt by this too.

I’m not especially motivated by - or driven by - money, so it’d feel a bit like someone is attempting to control me via it. I know this isn’t what they’re doing, but I can see why you’re upset by the way it feels rather than the reality of the money.

My DH’s mum has done something with her will which made her say to me “Now you’re not allowed to get divorced!” (Ie: because then I’d get money I don’t “deserve”, which was a joke, but really irked me.)

The controlling of the assets after you die thing is also a bit baffling to me. You’d be dead. You can’t know or care when you’re dead!

Do you think they would have done the same if you hadn't been widowed, because you (or your sister) could have got divorced instead and been in similar scenario

@Blanketwrap being in this situation, one thing: I haven't told my DCs how my DM has left her estate.

They don't need to give DM's estate any headspace. It isn't going to be a life changing amount. Better they carry on ploughing their own furrow until the time comes.

Conversely we have been very open with DCs about our own wills.

I would be upset too. It's utterly infantilising and patronising and I'd be very annoyed with it.

If they were doing this for all siblings I'd suck it up and be quiet. If they were treating me differently to my siblings I'd be furious and wouldn't hesitate in telling them why.

I can see why they’ve decided to do this. There are countless stories of second spouses and their families taking inheritance for themselves. Seems completely unfair and I would do the same.

Do you think you're hurt by it because of other issues in your relationship with them? Do you feel that you've previously been treated as irresponsible or not to be trusted?