Useless husband at kids party

[Arghhhhhparty]

NC but if any of my friends recognise me don’t tell me!! I just need to get this off my chest and I can’t post this in AIBU because yes I am… LTB etc etc

Yesterday was my child’s birthday party - at home, bouncy castle and kids tea. I have 3 children 4 and under and perhaps this was a bit ambitious but I’ve done similar before and I thought my husband would help, do something DO ANYTHING.

This is how the day went.

He promised me a lie in so he could do the gym. Of course this didn’t fucking happen.
He didn’t get up with the kids and instead had a lie in til 9 fucking 30 (‘you should have woken me’ I didn’t because who wants to wake someone grumpy. I figured I’d let it go and it would be my turn tomorrow) I did breakfast and attempted tidying the house while looking after 3 small children.

Then he had a 2 hour gym session while I stayed home with kids. Then I went to the shops with the eldest and the newborn baby to get last minute bits. His ‘help’ was looking looking after middle child who he was supposed to take to the playground. I came back and found out he had watched sport with them the entire time giving them crisps. He didn’t give child lunch or put them down for their nap, LITERALLY WHAT WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN.

He took the eldest 2 out ‘so i could nap’. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even hoovered or put away his own trainers from gym or his lunch things which I noticed after he had driven off.

He then came back with the children AFTER the party started and loudly asked me how my nap was and told all the guests he’d looked after the kids!!!!! As if I had had a nap?!?! Meanwhile I was looking after newborn, running around doing ALL the food and getting people drinks. He mentioned to me both children immediately fell asleep in the car for 1.5 hours so he’d been forced to pull over and SIT IN THR CAR for the whole time scrolling for the hour before the party. Eldest is long beyond napping so that was fucking unhelpful to add to the list of being the world shittest husband of the day.

at the party:

• He put loud sport on the tv in the room the party was in until I made him turn it off again
• only noticed I needed help when one of the other dads offered to help and was cutting up some fruit for me
• he said I seemed stressed and said I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE ORGANISED argh I wanted to poke his eyes out and put his head on a stick
• walked over half way through pass the parcel to loudly ask me to turn the music off as it was ruining his conversation with one of the dads. I couldn’t bite my tongue and said sorry is this CHILDRENS birthday party inconveniencing your adult conversation
• didnt supervise any of our children as I would have expected normally. So one was crying as had been pushed over and another was having a fight over a toy with another child. My mum friends helped out by changing my children into their party clothes when they arrived home from the car nap and changed my toddlers nappy. And another friend offered to change my newborn for me while i was shoving some sausage rolls in the oven (very close friends. Thank GOD for women).
• He then asked me when we were doing the cake as I was breastfeeding newborn and trotted off to get the candles I had already put out on the side ready and ASKED ME HOW MANY CANDLES WE NEEDED FOR THE CAKE for his own child’s birthday I shit you not. Like I said, all our children are under 5 so he genuinely could not be more brainless here. You cannot make this shit up.
• His final helpful contribution was coming over to me as I cut up cake, was asking me if I had done party bags (oooo no and it’s so helpful asking me at the end of the party as if I hadn’t wtf would he be doing now to rectify that) and then TELLING ME how many slices I needed to cut up AS IF I didn’t know how many children I had invited, catered for and made party bags for.

I WANT TO PUT MY HUSBAND IN THE BIN. End of rant.

Yeah me too. Next they'll be flagging off musical chairs, musical statues and pin the tail on the donkey. Nowt wrong with a traditional children's party.

Personally, given OPs most recent post, I think she is looking at her husband with baby brain eyes. When you hit the menopause OP and the soft rosy hormones are no longer there making him seem not so bad you will punt him out of the door.

@Arghhhhhparty Can you explain to me the concept of a "nap" for yourself in the middle of the day?? while looking after a small child/baby ???? I do not know what this means! especially on the day of a kid's birthday party!!!! now the other parents have seen how useless he actually is!

Well he's obviously good at something, eh 😂

I have a friend whose husband had form for lounging about and watching sport all weekend when he had promised that he would have one lounge day and she would have the other. She ended up having to disable the internet on her lounge day, just to ensure that he would actually mind the children instead of leaving them to play in the garden unsupervised / wander down the street - he knew that’s why she would do it and, instead of deciding to step up and become a better parent, would just accept her having to unplug the internet and take the cord with her because he couldn’t be trusted otherwise.

If it’s gotten to the point where you’re deliberately having to sabotage your electronics to ensure your husband can focus on his children, why are you staying? Or in the case of this OP - it’s gotten to the point where every other adult in her vicinity is helping out because they can easily see her DH is rubbish. I’m sure he will be “completely blindsided” when she kicks him out.

And the “please turn down the music for the children’s game at this children’s party because I am having a hard time chatting” filled me with such rage.

I agree with @gettingbysomehow- menopause will really open your eyes and change your perspective. He should be very wary, assuming he lasts that long.

Yes, she catered.

So… not planning on actually doing anything regarding your deteriorating marriage.

I guess there’ll be another thread from the Op, and another one, and another one… all on the same theme but no action.

Hopefully no whoopsie daisy 4th baby

Omg my favourite bit was you should have been more organised 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Arghhhhhparty you sound great! I'm sure the children had a fab time - and no doubt DH has other good points : )

Ugh. While I cannot fathom your choices he really seems to be so clueless as to wonder if he has a brain at all.
My neighbour had four kids and a nanny (she was a sahm) and went away for a week (yoga retreat). Their kids and ours used to do stage school on the weekends and I said I’d take them both times. The first week went to collect the kids - not dressed or ready. Second week their Dad dropped the kids over two hours early without snacks - I told him take them back and to pack snacks! I’m not going to mind his plus mine for the extra two hours. But I thought how does he not know his kids routine that they do every weekend? Or that little kids cannot do a three hour activity without at least a drink if not a drink and a snack?
My BIL once brought his kids over - rare occurrence - about 2.30pm and after an hour the kids said they were hungry and I said ‘oh how long ago did you have lunch’ (of course I’d give them a small snack but was also worried about spoiling their dinner). Their father started to look confused and said ‘lunch? I don’t think they’ve eaten since breakfast’!!!! He didn’t eat lunch and it never occurred to him that his three boys under ten might! I mean how removed are these men from the reality of children and their own family routine??
Certainly my own DH was guilty of watching the cricket while he was supposed to be ‘spending time with the kids’ so they just played on their own, but generally he was actively involved and certainly had common sense to a) NOT attempt a party at home without defined responsibilities and planning and preferably getting an entertainer; b) understand what kids need and that while party is on they are the focus.
And we both would have the foresight to rope in a couple trusted hands to help prep, act as child wranglers and clean up (paying a local teen or two if need be).

She can’t control his actions. She can control her own. All well and good to say he should be better. But who is the one struggling with 3 kids under 4? Not him 🤷🏽‍♀️

To be fair, he was presumably working flat out to single handedly financially support 4 children, a sahm and a nanny

@Arghhhhhparty I’m wondering if your DH is the product of a home where dad went to work and mum not only worked but did EVERYTHING ELSE as well?

He is possibly the useless parent as he’s never been able to do stuff for himself. His MUM did everything for him? Had he ever lived alone before you married?

Well the cycle is just being repeating in that case.

another family where the father does very little
and the mother grumpily martyrs herself

no one happy. Not least, the children

Sounds like you were being a martyr tbh. Yes he sounds like he was being pretty useless but why didn’t you wake him up? You said because who’d want to wake someone grumpy up but how do you know he’d of been grumpy? You should have woke him up and started communicating what needs doing. He watched sports with one child, so what? better than you taking an extra child with you to the shop. Communication is what was missing here and because he wasn’t doing what you wanted or needed, the little things built up into big things to annoy you

You’ve recently had a third child with someone who’s obviously useless- why?

Don't book a party at your house with a newborn

We'll give you an alibi for putting him under the patio 😎We were all out at the park with @Arghhhhhparty , weren't we Vipers ?

No need to make a child’s birthday so hard and stressful. It’s all hard enough with little kids anyway. Take them to soft play and give them chips after. You get the time to have a chat to the other parents & just much less stress all round x