Useless husband at kids party

[Arghhhhhparty]

NC but if any of my friends recognise me don’t tell me!! I just need to get this off my chest and I can’t post this in AIBU because yes I am… LTB etc etc

Yesterday was my child’s birthday party - at home, bouncy castle and kids tea. I have 3 children 4 and under and perhaps this was a bit ambitious but I’ve done similar before and I thought my husband would help, do something DO ANYTHING.

This is how the day went.

He promised me a lie in so he could do the gym. Of course this didn’t fucking happen.
He didn’t get up with the kids and instead had a lie in til 9 fucking 30 (‘you should have woken me’ I didn’t because who wants to wake someone grumpy. I figured I’d let it go and it would be my turn tomorrow) I did breakfast and attempted tidying the house while looking after 3 small children.

Then he had a 2 hour gym session while I stayed home with kids. Then I went to the shops with the eldest and the newborn baby to get last minute bits. His ‘help’ was looking looking after middle child who he was supposed to take to the playground. I came back and found out he had watched sport with them the entire time giving them crisps. He didn’t give child lunch or put them down for their nap, LITERALLY WHAT WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN.

He took the eldest 2 out ‘so i could nap’. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even hoovered or put away his own trainers from gym or his lunch things which I noticed after he had driven off.

He then came back with the children AFTER the party started and loudly asked me how my nap was and told all the guests he’d looked after the kids!!!!! As if I had had a nap?!?! Meanwhile I was looking after newborn, running around doing ALL the food and getting people drinks. He mentioned to me both children immediately fell asleep in the car for 1.5 hours so he’d been forced to pull over and SIT IN THR CAR for the whole time scrolling for the hour before the party. Eldest is long beyond napping so that was fucking unhelpful to add to the list of being the world shittest husband of the day.

at the party:

• He put loud sport on the tv in the room the party was in until I made him turn it off again
• only noticed I needed help when one of the other dads offered to help and was cutting up some fruit for me
• he said I seemed stressed and said I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE ORGANISED argh I wanted to poke his eyes out and put his head on a stick
• walked over half way through pass the parcel to loudly ask me to turn the music off as it was ruining his conversation with one of the dads. I couldn’t bite my tongue and said sorry is this CHILDRENS birthday party inconveniencing your adult conversation
• didnt supervise any of our children as I would have expected normally. So one was crying as had been pushed over and another was having a fight over a toy with another child. My mum friends helped out by changing my children into their party clothes when they arrived home from the car nap and changed my toddlers nappy. And another friend offered to change my newborn for me while i was shoving some sausage rolls in the oven (very close friends. Thank GOD for women).
• He then asked me when we were doing the cake as I was breastfeeding newborn and trotted off to get the candles I had already put out on the side ready and ASKED ME HOW MANY CANDLES WE NEEDED FOR THE CAKE for his own child’s birthday I shit you not. Like I said, all our children are under 5 so he genuinely could not be more brainless here. You cannot make this shit up.
• His final helpful contribution was coming over to me as I cut up cake, was asking me if I had done party bags (oooo no and it’s so helpful asking me at the end of the party as if I hadn’t wtf would he be doing now to rectify that) and then TELLING ME how many slices I needed to cut up AS IF I didn’t know how many children I had invited, catered for and made party bags for.

I WANT TO PUT MY HUSBAND IN THE BIN. End of rant.

But is not your ex?

Wow depressing. Some women really look for nothing from a partner or the father of their children.

He accepted that he was not invited to his own child’s 5th birthday?

Was your child not disappointed her father wasn’t there?

and between her 4th and 5th party he remained as useless as ever to make you think he’d be no better at her 5th??

Please tell me he’s not still your husband?!! If so that’s so sad - do women literally expect nothing from the father of their children

It’s one of the oddest posts I have read in recent times! @Hodgemollar !

Think about the years ahead, with 4 children. The three you gave birth to and the one you married.

If this day wasn’t a one off, I’d think seriously about your life. Communicate with your “partner”. He sounds useless and selfish, to me.

This is how the cycle continues too. Kids watching their useless shit dads getting away with being useless and shit and thinking that’s how things are meant to be, growing up and then either becoming the useless shit dad or the victim of a useless shit dad.

I want my girls to grow up with a dad who is present and involved and not a selfish, useless turd. That’s how they will learn about healthy relationships, good male role models, etc.

I’m sorry but he sounds like a nasty selfish man. No way is this a one off & that usually he’s loving, involved & treats you & his children with kindness & respect.

He’s such a cliche, the gym, watching sport on TV, happy to spend an hour scrolling. He’s far too manly & important to involve himself with his children’s lives, why should he know how old his children are, that’s your job 😡

I’d emotionally disengage from him, the alternative is that he drags you down so much you’ll be a shadow of your former self. Start to think how your life would work without him (better?) I wouldn’t even bother discussing anything with him.

As for the practicalities going forward, don’t ask him, tell him. You say you’re going out - go. You say x, y, z needs doing - no discussion, just on repeat that he needs to do it

At least the contraception is sorted, who would have sex with a giant man baby who prefers anything else apart from being with his partner & children?

Right but maybe OP doesn’t live on your street? The last party we threw at a soft play type of venue cost us £600. Prices vary.

Honestly, I read this and my first thought was that he must be trying to make you divorce him! He sounds absolutely awful. I’m all for working through hard times, especially with young kids, but I think I’d quickly tire of such selfish behaviour and rather be separated.

It's the bouncy castle OP hired that's prompting people to suggest a less stressful use of funds, I expect.

But either way, this prince would probably have found a way to fuck something up. There isn't really a way to have a newborn and two more preschoolers with such an aggressively useless twat and things not go wrong. He'd probably have gone and sat in the ball pit and told them all to shut up while he had a quiet chat.

He will be on his way out at a moment convenient to me.

how old is your child now?

He’s selfish, and chooses to be. I was married to someone very similar.

Being single is BLISS. Please don’t make my mistake and stay a decade longer hoping it will improve. Get out now whilst your kids are young.

So presumably he is having another lie in and gym and watching sport day today, whilst you are internally moaning and possibly another moan on her or to someone.

When are you going to address this with him and agreeing that he should be going to the gym or doing half arsed jobs? You need to sit down and have a grown up conversation and wtf didn’t you or him have a Tesco shop organised for the morning of the party and added the last minute bits the night before.

Don't just vent on here. Go and communicate to your useless dh all the things he did which were utterly unhelpful.

Just show him this thread

Yep. If he has any small amount of intelligence, integrity or love for you and his children (repeat HIS children), he needs to read this thread.

Unless if course, you’re concerned about his reaction.

Yes he sounds selfish, lazy and oblivious.

But as someone else who has 3 children, including a baby, no waaay would I be hosting a party for multiple children at my house (unless it was some kind of mansion). Park parties and a picnic are much better cheap options for this time of year.

Totally agree. Yes you were a bit of a martyr at times and could’ve communicated better but he’s absolutely fucking useless and no amount of communication would’ve made any lasting impression or garnered improvement on his part. In short, he seems quite irredeemable.

Pass the parcel is great! I was at a 13 year old girl’s party the other day where they played it, with a teen-friendly gift in each layer for 16 guests, and they had a great time!

Those asking why op didn't wake him up ,she's said he would have been grumpy - quite telling. Or why didn't you tell him to do x,y,z he's a grown adult! Who didn't even know how old his own child is?!

OP it sounds like everyone at the party will have gone home breathing a sigh of relief that they don't live with your useless, selfish excuse for a man.

I'd be reconsidering if I wanted this as my daily life tbh. I you don't end up killing him, the resentment will end up killing you.

He's a complete waste of space, why did you think having multiple kids in quick succession with him was a good idea?

Oh fgs.

stop being martyr. Wake him up.

you are agreeing to things that you don’t actually want him to do and then getting angry about and it’s souring your whole day

he has ceded all executive function to you and you keep doing it for him. He’s stopped thinking about how to do things because you just rush around doing them for him. Stop it.

you have decide what is actually important and those are the things you actually waste energy on. Otherwise leave it.

he’s sounds an idiot

Lots of people are grumpy when woken up it’s quite normal, it’s usually because they’re disoriented for a bit. Doesn’t mean you don’t wake them up

Stop this madness for the sake of you kids. If you stay with him, they’ll learn it’s ok for men to be utterly selfish and thoughtless and for women to run around being everyone to everyone and keeping the peace. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to witness them have as adults? Knowing that a major part of the reason they’ve accepted such shit behaviour is they’ve watched you do the same?

Break the cycle.

And tell him how much your guests will have been absolutely cringing at his behaviour. I hope you pulled him up immediately publicly on his ‘did you enjoy your nap’ comment and asked him when on earth he thought you had a nap around organising the whole party solo?

Madness to have three kids, let alone in such rapid succession, with such a useless prick but that’s done now and the next best thing you can do is not force your children to learn by your actions that this is acceptable.