Useless husband at kids party

[Arghhhhhparty]

NC but if any of my friends recognise me don’t tell me!! I just need to get this off my chest and I can’t post this in AIBU because yes I am… LTB etc etc

Yesterday was my child’s birthday party - at home, bouncy castle and kids tea. I have 3 children 4 and under and perhaps this was a bit ambitious but I’ve done similar before and I thought my husband would help, do something DO ANYTHING.

This is how the day went.

He promised me a lie in so he could do the gym. Of course this didn’t fucking happen.
He didn’t get up with the kids and instead had a lie in til 9 fucking 30 (‘you should have woken me’ I didn’t because who wants to wake someone grumpy. I figured I’d let it go and it would be my turn tomorrow) I did breakfast and attempted tidying the house while looking after 3 small children.

Then he had a 2 hour gym session while I stayed home with kids. Then I went to the shops with the eldest and the newborn baby to get last minute bits. His ‘help’ was looking looking after middle child who he was supposed to take to the playground. I came back and found out he had watched sport with them the entire time giving them crisps. He didn’t give child lunch or put them down for their nap, LITERALLY WHAT WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN.

He took the eldest 2 out ‘so i could nap’. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even hoovered or put away his own trainers from gym or his lunch things which I noticed after he had driven off.

He then came back with the children AFTER the party started and loudly asked me how my nap was and told all the guests he’d looked after the kids!!!!! As if I had had a nap?!?! Meanwhile I was looking after newborn, running around doing ALL the food and getting people drinks. He mentioned to me both children immediately fell asleep in the car for 1.5 hours so he’d been forced to pull over and SIT IN THR CAR for the whole time scrolling for the hour before the party. Eldest is long beyond napping so that was fucking unhelpful to add to the list of being the world shittest husband of the day.

at the party:

• He put loud sport on the tv in the room the party was in until I made him turn it off again
• only noticed I needed help when one of the other dads offered to help and was cutting up some fruit for me
• he said I seemed stressed and said I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE ORGANISED argh I wanted to poke his eyes out and put his head on a stick
• walked over half way through pass the parcel to loudly ask me to turn the music off as it was ruining his conversation with one of the dads. I couldn’t bite my tongue and said sorry is this CHILDRENS birthday party inconveniencing your adult conversation
• didnt supervise any of our children as I would have expected normally. So one was crying as had been pushed over and another was having a fight over a toy with another child. My mum friends helped out by changing my children into their party clothes when they arrived home from the car nap and changed my toddlers nappy. And another friend offered to change my newborn for me while i was shoving some sausage rolls in the oven (very close friends. Thank GOD for women).
• He then asked me when we were doing the cake as I was breastfeeding newborn and trotted off to get the candles I had already put out on the side ready and ASKED ME HOW MANY CANDLES WE NEEDED FOR THE CAKE for his own child’s birthday I shit you not. Like I said, all our children are under 5 so he genuinely could not be more brainless here. You cannot make this shit up.
• His final helpful contribution was coming over to me as I cut up cake, was asking me if I had done party bags (oooo no and it’s so helpful asking me at the end of the party as if I hadn’t wtf would he be doing now to rectify that) and then TELLING ME how many slices I needed to cut up AS IF I didn’t know how many children I had invited, catered for and made party bags for.

I WANT TO PUT MY HUSBAND IN THE BIN. End of rant.

If this is what he’s like on a daily basis, I’m surprised he’s still breathing. I’d be doing time and he’d be under the patio.

I live like this too OP. Sorry for you as I know how awful it is.

I just can’t relate to your life. Why the hell would you choose to have 4 kids? All that work! Who could be actually bothered. Then you have to parent 4 of them through the teen years? Why the hell would you do that to yourself?

Has he always been like this?

You make me laugh!!! @rainbowstardrops

to answer a few people, no he’s not useless every single day. Some days he’s pretty good and I read things on mumsnet and I’m like mine is not bad! Then other days he likes loses his entire brain and is as helpful as a slug. The previous two birthdays he was v efficient, on it, organised, took responsibility for lots of the tasks. Hence why we went ahead with this style party.

our bouncy castle hire was a LOT cheaper than a soft play round here. We also live near about 4-5 soft plays and go regularly so it’s not as exciting as when I was a kid and had a soft play party (core memory!)

the third baby was a (lovely) surprise baby and the reason we have 3 under 4 yo. I’m not giving them back!!

What an absolute prick.
No, you absolutely shouldn't have had to wake him, or tell him what needed doing - or not to go gym for 2 bloody hours just before. BUT he's clearly a lazy, self man, so although you shouldn't have needed to, I think you should have done so.
Give him jobs.
Tell him how utterly disgusted you are with him and how much less you now think of him.
If this was my husband I'd seriously be reconsidering staying married. Is he usually this useless?

It was a bit of a shit show on his part. But let's be honest a lot of men probably don't want, if they are really honest, kids to start with and are carried along by their partner to have them.
I think this is why are a lot of useless fathers out there, they didn't want kids and as a result not that interested in learning how to care for or getting involved with the parenting.
Probably why there are so many single mums and dead beat fathers out there.

What conversation have you had since?

I don't believe he's ever 'pretty good'

He sounds selfish, thoughtless and careless (literal meaning, as could care less)

@Arghhhhhparty you should have woken him. It sounds like, because you do everything, if you want this to change you are going to have to give him step by step instructions until he ‘gets it’. He sounds awful, but WHY didn’t you leave his gym stuff? Why keep enabling him to be so useless? I know it may feel easier but … just leave stuff to him. You’re not his Mum.

HOW MANY CANDLES? 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

This is going to make me explode with laughter at least twenty times today! And probably intermittently for the rest of my life.

So sorry, @Arghhhhhparty - I don’t know how such a waste of space could be improved. But you’re the one who keeps procreating with him, so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

The posters querying WHY the OP didn't "just" wake him up, tell him not to go to the gym and enlist him in taking responsibility for making party tea and sorting the kids have clearly not lived with someone like this.

It's a game of "pick the least shit of two options."

Option 1 - do it yourself, prospects of you being stressed and fraught 100% (but you can put a smile on and get through it), and prospects of him actually stepping up and helping once he's back from his gym trip, meaning everyone has a decent afternoon, about 50%

Option 2 - tell him to can the gym and force him to step up, prospects of him throwing a wobbler and ensuring that everyone has a terrible afternoon 110% guaranteed

What was surprising about your most recent pregnancy?

Was it that you were able to bring yourself to have sex with this utter loser or do you not know how contraception works?

Stop letting your life just happen to you.

I don't know how you put up with this OP. I wouldn't

I had 3 under 4. It is fucking hard. And you've got another 4 years until it starts getting easier I'm afraid (I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel). I have an INCREDIBLE husband. We are a team and always have been. We throw parties for 20-40 people twice a year and we don't even have to discuss who is doing what. It just gets done. He cleans, he parents, he shows up!

It was still really hard!

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I want you to know that wonderful men do exist. They are not all lazy, incompetent wankers!

I assume you posted here because you knew the consensus on AIBU would be to LTB.

Can I ask why you don't think that's an option?

Is it because you are worried about finances (in which case can you start making a plan to solve that over time).

Or is it because you think it's better not to break up your home? As a general rule I'd agree with you, but when he doesn't engage, doesn't help, watches sport instead of playing etc what does he bring to their lives? And if any of them are girls, then what example is he setting of what they can expect for themselves?

The bin is too nice a place for the arsehole that you have described!

Youre a wonderful mummy for making sure your kids had a great time and your child had a special birthday! Your husband has been a pain in the arse hasn’t he!!! No point in all the other mums saying ‘should have done this etc’. Fact is, most husbands are pains when it comes to things like this, doesn’t mean their horrible, doesn’t mean we should have married them- it’s just he way they are and it’s so frustrating! Hope he saw the error of his ways and is making it up to you! Also, I hope he showed himself up a bit at the party ha! Big hugs!

You shouldn't have to wake your husband, he is selfish. The party sounded completely stressful . He needs to start being more responsible and think for himself . He clearly only cares about himself here. Why oh why let the children nap for that long, he did cause he ain't got deal with it. Same as asking to take the kids , you shouldn't need to ask him. Do you wipe his arse too ? He sounds useless, id ditch him .

Just read your last post.

Does he consider that he’s helping you out? Does he say that he’s babysitting when he’s at home with his children without you? How often does he do things without being asked? How often does he say no leave that, I’ll do it?

If you were rushed into hospital for 3 days would he know where to find things that weren’t his? Before the birth of your last child how often did he say go out, without you having to rush around doing everything possible before leaving him with the children?

Well done on not stabbing him when you had the cake knife in your hand. Hope you got your lie in today. EVERY birthday from now on ask him how many candles he thinks you should use.

The whole day sounds utterly hectic and disorganised to be honest! I would have woken him and not have planned for him to go to the gym. I would have sent him to the shop for any last minute bits (although probably would have made sure I had anything needed before the actual day of the party!) Would have done party bags the night before, and given DH instructions as to what he's responsible for - serving guests, organising games etc.

When I read about these useless husbands , it amazes me how many of them manage to hold down jobs if they are so incompetent. My first husband was like that and it is one of the ( many) reasons I divorced him !

I stopped waking mine up on the weekends because it added to the endless list of things I had to do and didn’t actually make things easier. He was also like a grumpy teenager who would huffily tell me he was awake then go back to sleep for another 15 minutes. Repeat x 3.

Your friends know how useless he is. The other dad helping cut fruit knows how useless he is.

To those asking why OP had 3 DC with him, because people dont always start off shit. I’m convinced there’s a large proportion of the male population that just go along with the idea of ‘wife & kids’ then discover it’s actually hardwork & your gorgeous wife changes once she has kids. They then check out because they don’t want to get divorced, they just don’t want to have to bother with the tedium of having kids.

It’s a bit rubbish and far too common.

I strongly disagree with the posters who said you should have woken him up and told him what to do. He’s an adult. He should be capable of setting his own alarm. He should know that his child needs to be given lunch. He should know that he needs to tidy up with himself.

Telling OP she needs to continue to manage everything for him just perpetuates the cycle of his lack of taking responsibility.

He needs a wakeup call that his uselessness is not acceptable.

Another depressing thread where yet another gaggle of kids are being raised by some gym-going useless moron for a father and a mother who 100% enables it by doing everthing. Such fantastic role modelling for yet another generation. 😔

Sorry but long weekend gym sessions are for the child free or parents of older kids not fathers of multiple babies and young children 🙄

!00% OP seems to make excuses for him which I find sad. It's almost as if she accepts she's his mother.