To be fed up of mums groups or is it just Londoners ?

[AleaEim]

Today I went to a mum and baby Pilates group, I’ve been a few times over the past few months so I’m not a regular to this one. I usually chat to other mums there but most weeks it’s a lot of different faces. Today was one of those days where there was more unfamiliar faces than familiar. Before we went in, I said hey, how’ve you been to a woman who I spoke to last time. She replied half heartedly and turned away from me to talk to someone else and didn’t ask me how was I was. I figured I might have accidentally interrupted a conversion or she didn’t recognise me so brushed it off. in fairness she chatted to me briefly and asked me how I was later on in the class so no hurt feelings there. Then on the way out, I said goodbye to a couple mums standing by the door, I hadn’t been talking to them but thought I’d seem rude not to say goodbye since they were at the door, they all looked up and not one uttered a smile or a goodbye. As I was opening the door, I noticed another mum was about to follow behind me, she had a pram, I had a sling so it was easy for me to hold the door for her, as I did this, she didn’t utter a word to me, I looked around to see if she had even smiled but no, nothing, she looked a bit awkward, avoided eye contact.

I’m new to the area and really hoped that going to lots of groups I would at least meet one or two mums who I could chat with, sometimes I do, it’s not all bad but most of the time they seem disinterested in going to the effort with others. I really had envisioned a sociable and colourful maternity leave as I’m quite social and that’s what my friends have experienced(albeit in Ireland where I’m from so not here).

I’m not sure what I’m expecting from this thread, just a vent really. Anyone else have this kind of experience?

Tray a music group! I made my best friends there and our kids are now 18! But I’m not in London

I was in London
and I made my best friend from a London baby group

15 years later… I’m going on holiday with her next week!

I haven't met anyone through that story of structured group. Everyone is too stressed about getting baby there on time then there's no where really to chat when you're thrown out afterwards. Good old fashioned coffee mornings work much better

You have to keep going. Who knows who has had no sleep or pnd or is shit socially. Go ten times then make your mind up.

I stopped going to a parent and baby group round here because it was populated by a right load of stuck up bitches. They'd look you up and down and then turn their back on you. Fuck 'em.

I joined another group in the next village and they were lovely.

It really is pot luck with these groups.

Of course it’s common courtesy to thank someone who opens a door for you!

Lots of “Londoners” are immigrants from other places, plenty of us bring our chattiness from the places we grew up. Pilates is a bit up its own arse though, that’s where you went wrong.

If anything, I found London to be the complete opposite. I think one of the reasons is much of the population has moved their for work, so doesn't have family nearby or old school friends, and also because of the ease of transport your friends are likely to be all over London, not local. So people in the groups (there were mums and dads!) are more up for chatting/ going for a coffee etc. That was the case 15 years ago anyway.

When I moved to where we live now I found it much harder to meet people, much harder to start conversations, because everyone already had their friendship groups from school, or they were on their second or third child so had already established friendships with other mums - whereas in London most of us were first timers as so many people then move out when the second one comes.

Move back to Ireland of move up north. Keep being you and sooner or later you will find some like minded people.

The good thing about having a child in London is that if one thing doesn’t work out there are a gazillion other things you can try. And loads of them are free!

Also worth remembering that not all people in London are British. Might be a language or culture difference or barrier.

Or they might just have been an unfriendly crowd.

I think the fact it’s a Pilates group won’t help but I have experienced similar in London,
although my main issue is most of the people attending playgroup seem to be nannies and are only interested in chatting to other nannies.

I’m in London and I had a similar experience. Didn’t seem to fit in. No one was pleasant. Tried really hard to make friends but couldn’t get anyone interested… when my youngest started school I couldn’t get over how everyone raved about what a sense of community there was in our area. Most of the mums at nursery blanked me, even after my child had been there a year 😆 I think with me it was more of a case of my face didn’t fit. And yes, I also think they were a bit stuck up.

As a Londoner I’d just like to say that giving off a vibe that you think Londoners are stuck up is no better than a Londoner moving to the sticks and then considering themselves to be better than everyone else. Hardly the way to blend in and make friends.

Also a quick reminder than around 40% of Londoners are not British-born, and of that remaining 60%, a lot of them won’t be from London either! I would say the majority of Londoners I know are not native Londoners. They’re from elsewhere in the UK. Just like the “Londoners are stuck up” crowd are.

no one was pleasant

good grief!

Conversely I found the exact opposite when my child was younger. City centre groups super friendly and really nice atmosphere. Groups in more rural area not friendly at all and people obviously not comfortable chatting anyone they didn’t already know. I just think it’s luck. Keep trying and you will meet the right people. Also maybe try meeting like minded mums online and arranging your own meet ups?

I grew up in london and have still been surprised that the mum and baby groups aren’t “friendlier”. Saying that over time I have built a little circle of local mums I get on with by just be the one who initiates it / organises things - the only ones whoever initiate the other way are really the Americans I find. But it is just a lot more hard work than I would have expected - it does get easier at nursery as people feel like there is a longer term connection than just a few weeks of a baby class (if you reach out again - in my case I am now friends with 5 of the other parents/mums but all driven by me reaching out to organise play dates). My advice is just to be relentlessly friendly - if someone is even vaguely open looking I’ve purposefully walked in the same direction so we can chat for a bit or suggested we head for a coffee after class to the more friendly Mum’s coming out etc.

Believe me, common courtesy these days is not so common, as it once was!

I've had my dcs in London zone 1 and 2 and I've found them perfectly polite and pleasant but not particularly chatty. People are just quite busy and have existing networks and not much time for just hanging around.
I would never have expected to make friends in a mum and baby pilates class though. They're expensive and most people are doing it to maintain fitness so they will be too focused on that to chat. It would be like expecting to chat through a spin or body pump class.

Oh god my two are now teens but this was my experience of maternity leave in London. NCT classes were a nightmare, super mega cliquey, baby groups full of self absorbed mums, school gate cliques. But along the way I made a few friends that stuck and managed to keep my pre baby mates too. i think this is kind of typical for ‘naive’ London areas tbf.
I went to church baby groups and people openly thought I was the nanny as my skin is browner than my babies 😂

Many years later we moved to a small town in the country and it’s a completely different experience! Within months we have a lovely network of friends and neighbours. People are SO nice when out and about. Colleagues are just nice! I was London born and bred and had no idea that life could be so pleasant outside of the Big Smoke.

They don't sound like Londoners...

I had the same Midlands way. I was so lonely and I made an effort and they all just stayed in their cliques and said ‘hello’ and then turned their backs. They all used to go for coffee after Baby Sensory and I was never invited. I’m a bit socially awkward but have always had friends in my hobby groups etc but I never broke into the ‘Mummies’.

I’ll never forget when a lady started being really chat with me and I was so pleased I thought I’d found a friend. Then the week after she started chatting again but soon started to question if I’d ever been interested in Aloe Vera 😂 I can almost laugh now but I was gutted at the time 😭

I didn’t find this when I had babies in London. Everyone was pretty friendly. Sometimes you can get a few negative social interactions and you think there is something wrong but it could just be people being tired and distracted - which could have been the case with the mum at the door. Keep going to things and good luck!

I raised my DC in London and found it very friendly. And accepting of all different sorts of people.

With DC2 I had 3 groups within easy reach and I did feel that two were much friendlier than one was. I encountered some of the mums from that 3rd group over the following years and found each of them fine, so I don't know what went wrong with the toddler group dynamic.

All the baby groups I went to were awful and I was in the north. Hardly anyone spoke to me and if I tried to speak to them they looked at me like I’d gone mad. I just didn’t bother with my second.

mine are all grown up now, but I went to baby massage group with youngest and they were the most moody miserable group of women anywhere! I posted on mumsnet about it at the time and a poster replied calling them “massage bitches” and it immediately cheered me up and makes me laugh even now!

This was also my experience of baby groups. If your face don’t fit, forget it. In my case it was probably that a lot of them went to the same church. Horrible.