Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

This was not being kept on after her training contract , so will have to apply elsewhere . Yes that happened to me after training , in fact had to go abroad to get work. I’ve had interview rejections and struggled to get a job on my 20s , it was tough but I didn’t cry for days .

I don’t understand this attitude. How does knowing your daughter is devastated, but faking a smile for a photo for your sake, make you happy? Surely you can’t still enjoy the moment knowing how upset she is?

The photos are for life. I think she will regret that.

Shell end up regretting it, but thats her regret to live with. Dont pander to her in the future, go off and do your own thing with dh

Yes, the whole escapade was expensive but there you go. I’m not complaining about that. It was just an all-round failed day.

I would like to hope I’m not this narcissistic mother obsessing over my own experience and ignoring dd’s plight. I spend half my life talking things over with her and supporting her, as does dh, so it just felt a bit of a kick in the teeth to be treated rather unkindly. I couldn’t have cared less if she had declined photo/dinner etc pleasantly saying she didn’t feel like it, but the whole expression and speaking badly to us was I admit very hurtful.

I’m sorry a similar thing happened to you, and I’m glad it didn’t hit you too hard, but it wouldn’t go amiss to have some sympathy for others who may be hit harder emotionally or practically than you.

Interesting you see at as deluding yourself. People often put on a brave face. It makes things better, not worse.

Where are you reading OP wanted over the top? She wanted to do the Ceremony, have some photos for posterity and go out for a family meal. Seems very normal to me.

Granted I didn’t explain the situation fully because it’s not about me - but I had been all but promised this job, the head of department had told me I’d be getting it, I’d fallen in love with the area of law and the people I was working with, and then had the rug pulled out from under me.

My point was, people are humans. Not robots. They have emotions and react to things in less than perfect ways.

Agree

Not all students, of course, as there are those that have to go it alone essentially. But a huge percentage of young adults attending university are provided with loads of support all the way through. Financial, emotional, providing guarantees for landlords, providing shelter and food on their term breaks, etc. I know many families that sacrifice financially at home to support their university students' efforts. Of course it's their day to celebrate, too!

@Notmenothere I hear you. I was the only one of my group who didn't go to graduation. I couldn't face being the only one with no family there - my parents weren't interested - they just didn't see it as important. Decades later it still hurts.

I can sympathise about the job rejection, but if she acts like that in a job when something doesn't go her way, she won't be in the job for long. I appreciate it's upsetting for you - no nice graduation photo of a child you love and are proud of. But in many ways it's her that will regret this most, because she won't have that memory or photo of this milestone with her parents.

And I agree with others - plan a nice meal out with your husband and leave her to sulk at home. Act like a five year old, get treated like one.

Really? Nobody had been brought up by their parents? Nobody’s parents had helped them while at school to get the entrance grades? Helped them with Co-curric? Helped with living expenses or as guarantor for rent? I know some families are terrible and children are neglected and put down, but a whole cohort where only a couple were from supportive families? How unusual.

She’s going to regret she did that when she gets a job soon - has she got form for being OTT and not used to getting what she wants - the real world is going to be a shock for her…

DD will have been extremely stressed. As other posters have said, the job market for new grads right now is appalling. Even if she managed to get a job, the odds of it being something permanent and stable are low. She's probably going to spend the rest of her life hopping from one job to another. She may not be able to afford a home, kids, or retirement. She probably already has friends who are planning to leave the country.

It won't be about this one rejection the morning of her graduation. It will be about the future she's facing, which probably feels hopeless to her. In her eyes she worked so hard, for what? The whole thing likely feels like a waste of time and a farce. In her mind, you're of an older generation, so therefore clueless and living in the past. She can't go to you for guidance, and may feel that you're placing unfair expectations on her, believing graduation will change everything.

You think this is her springboard into adult life, but she's starting to look around and see that isn't so. She probably has friends who are working in retail or in coffee shops, despite their degrees. Friends who are thinking of going back for further study, because they can't find work in their field and they don't know what else to do. To her, this job rejection will have felt like confirmation of a bleak future ahead. She won't have felt like celebrating, and I imagine it only annoyed her to see you and her father not getting it, and pushing to her to take happy family pictures in her gown, so you can put them on facebook for your friends and feel accomplished. You got your daughter graduated, round of applause for you. Meanwhile she's in crisis and you (in her mind) don't care. You only care that she spoiled your fantasy of a perfect day. You've ignored her feelings and got huffy about the perceived humiliation of it all instead.

I'm not saying who's right or wrong here. But this is likely to be your daughter's perspective on what happened.

You should have a real talk with her. She's obviously got a lot of fear and anxiety bottled up. She needs her mum.

What have her interactions with you been like today OP?

Because they WOULDN'T know she is devastated. That's the point.

I can't understand the attitude that you have to bring your true authentic self to every single moment of your life, even if it means upsetting ruining the day for everyone else.

What I think should have happened in that situation would be she parked her disappointment for later, and got on with (at least pretending) to enjoy the day for the sake of her parents, who had traveled a fair distance and shelled out on a hotel to see her graduate.

I was by no means a saintly, unselfish daughter. But I sometimes did things as a young person (and even as a child) I didn't want to do to make my parents happy. I wasn't remotely bothered about my university graduation and I sure as hell didn't want to attend my high school graduation ceremony. But I went because I knew it would make my mum happy. That would be the mother who had loved and supported me through my life and made many sacrifices for me.

As an adult, sometimes (though by no means ALL of the time) you should put on a brave face over disappointments at least for a limited period of time for the sake of other people. What OP describes was, in my view, one of those times.

It may also reflect how the daughter actually feels about her graduation. To lots of people, graduation isn’t a big deal because everyone they know graduates from uni - it’s not an achievement. It would then be hard to pretend to be happy about it if you get a job rejection (which you did care about).

This reminds me of my graduation. My dad drove about six hours to watch it. I meanwhile, was so hungover I could barely stand, having been out till 4am and lost my phone and handbag (and passport!) so the whole day was a massive faff and trial. Sorry dad. He did get some photos but I looked green and they also turned out blurry.

Agree - at each of my DD’s graduations there was a speech about this and round of applause for parents and families. I thought it was nice to acknowledge that.

I genuinely have no clue why any student would want to attend a pointless ceremony, but I do understand why a student might be pissed off not getting a job. Not sure this post is that relevant

It’s not the parents day though!!!! Their support shouldn’t be conditional.

That's absolutely ridiculous and untrue. It's hysterical nonsense. For every article about how this generation will never be able to buy a home, there is another about how someone aged 25 bought a home after saving up. And you know what, exactly the same stuff about no jobs, impossible to buy a house, bleak future, was said to me and my cohort when we graduated in the mid 00s. And guess what? We all got jobs and bought houses and it turned out fine.

Well, I guess we'll have to agree to differ.

Maybe when you're not raised to be completely selfish, over-reacting and indifferent to the feelings of others, it's easier to park your disappointment for a few hours and beam for a photo.

I mean the OP. Let’s say she did get some photos. I don’t see how they could ever prompt any memory other the fact her daughter was devastated by a job rejection.