Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

Why were they invited then? Your birthday is about you but if you sulked and cancelled all your plans with family and friends that would be ott and selfish

Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary.

Do you usually pander to your daughter?

You should have been LIVID, rather than teary, that you'd travelled 3 hours, paid for a hotel (take it that came out of your pocket rather than hers?) and she couldn't even force a smile on her face long enough for a photo and a meal to please the parents who have presumably supported her throughout her studies and her whole life until this point.

That’s sort of the point. We all experience bereavement, it would be perverse for someone to be disappointed with us when we don’t bounce back immediately to the knocks we endure throughout life - but especially when we are young.

I was very well behaved at my graduation (the one my parents did attend) as they’d spent a year complaining that my sister ruined her graduation for them. I also still had ringing in my ears that I had ruined my GCSE results day for my mum and I didn’t want that to happen again. Now I’m a parent, I go about things a little differently. I’m the adult, my children are still learning. It’s much nicer to come from a place of understanding rather than admonishing. Wouldn’t you agree? You didn’t much like it when I treated you without compassion and understanding.

Perhaps this attitude of hers was what the recruiters observed - they’re not stupid and interview processes are designed to expose people’s true colours, both good and poor. Sounds like they’ve dodged a bullet regardless of her academic achievement.

Might be worth telling her that - perhaps she gave them the impression their offering was like being awarded a bag of dog poo too? Unfortunately, some people have very expressive faces!

It’s a shame for you and DH the day wasn’t what you’d expected but you still could’ve done something just the two of you. Don’t pander to moodiness and walk on eggshells around her, it won’t help any of you.

Mine was COVID years so my picture is me in a hat and gown from Amazon in my parents kitchen 🤣 couldn’t go to the replacement dates and was over it by that point anyway.

Well she will miss not having a photo/s when she gets a job offer, won’t she.
life is full of disappointments.

The reality is most students wouldn’t make it without parental support. Min loan is under £5000. Rent is often £8-10,000. Parents driving and moving them in and out of accommodation, OP’s dd was at uni 3 hours away.
Nothing about graduation arrangements sounds OTT. I’d be annoyed at the waste of my annual leave for a start. New dress, hotel, booked a restaurant. I bet the DD didn’t say I don’t feel like going for a meal I’ll call restaurant to cancel, no mum had to. Perhaps a deposit has been lost.
I don’t think it’s transactional to expect DD to appreciate that the day was an occasion to celebrate her achievements.

I wish I was joking!! 🤣🤣 I couldn't believe it

On her CV? For real? How did that even work?

Is the disappointment the OP feels as a result of her daughters graduation not going the way she wanted more worthy of sympathy than the disappointment her daughter feels that she was rejected from a job she presumably wanted?

This is just about the most nuts take I’ve ever read on graduation ceremonies

@Cakeandusername me too 5 hours on the till at Pret week in week out 3 days a week is very grounding in being able to cope with maintaining a public face and regulating moods- and yes it’s needed in most jobs , even the high flying ones. Being pleasant to a total arsehole ( staff or customer or client) if your business needs them is indeed a life skill .

Exactly. My parents belittled me throughout my education at secondary, told me I was lazy and was going to fail pretty much everyday of my GCSEs and A levels (I was literally top of my class). Offered no emotional support, no comfort, never once said they were proud of me.

I applied to uni by myself. Went to open days myself. I got no financial support from them at uni, no emotional support. Were they sat in the library at all hours? No. Now my mother takes my achievements as her own and people "thanking my support system" reinforces to my parents that their methods were what helped me achieve.

My mother has genuinely praised herself for my achievements about 100x more than she has ever said well done to me

Even when I've tried to talk to them about how I felt all I get in return is "we were just helping you do well and it worked". No, you were helping me develop low self esteem.

Adults can thanks their own support system separately without having it mentioned on a day that's supposed to be about celebrating their hard work and acheivement.

Did you manage to take any of your own photos? I didn't want the professional ones taken, but my dad took a few with his own camera. I don't know if anyone ever looks at them.

I agree with pp who said graduation day can be bittersweet. I remember having mixed emotions - relief it was all over with, sadness because it was the end of a brilliant era, and some jealousy of classmates who'd secured good jobs while I was temping for the summer with no permanent role lined up yet. I wanted to get the ceremony over with and get away so nobody could ask what I was doing. Granted, my parents hadn't gone to any great effort or expense - it was a day trip and none of us bought new clothes especially etc - but I was being quite selfish in not letting the celebration carry on as my parents had probably expected me to. I hadn't thought about this until now, I wonder if they were a bit pissed off with me. I'm not going to bring it up now 😄

Mine was one of the most boring things I’ve ever been to! It was in English and Welsh, so took forever. I don’t look back on the day as memorable, in fact I found it quite sad that it was the last time I saw a lot of classmates, who I’d seen almost daily for three years (obviously I kept in touch with good friends). And at the same time finding a job and getting rejections added to the stress of that time.

Having said that, I think she was a silly madam and should have been told she was acting like a toddler. As someone previously said, you should have pointed out that you’d put a lot of time and money into coming to her graduation, and indeed her whole education, so she should have thought about you guys a little too. I think she’ll probably regret her behaviour- she’s cut her nose off to spite her face.

That’s pretty cruel to say, I think. I don’t agree it’s an overreaction at all. Have you ever lost your job, @Carriemac?

Most people have to work to live so, unsurprisingly, losing your job or being told you might is one of the most stressful life events you can go through. Not least because you’re having to deal with the loss/grief/insecurity/uncertainty that comes with losing your job at the same time as mentally preparing yourself to job hunt again and to get back out there and sell yourself to a future employer and get a new job as quickly as possible.

It’s stressful enough when you’re having to do this just to support yourself and keep a roof over your own head, but a thousand times worse if you’ve got dependents.

I think your daughter was out of order. Yes it's frustrating to be declined a job offer, but she needs to see the bigger picture and enjoy the day as an acknowledgement to her hard work esp. winning a prize, and as a show of respect to her parents who have supported her and made the effort to attend.
She needs to be thicker skinned because she's likely to have several job offers declined before she gets a successful one. Perhaps she can email the HR or interviewer and ask for some constructive feedback to prepare for the next one.

Agree - I've been to a few all dull.

Oh but they are. They really are. Clapping for over an hour for people you have no idea who they are just to see your family member walk across the stage for 30 seconds. Standing around for ages while the graduand goes to get their gown and goes to sit down. Dull speeches from vice chancellors. Huge crowds afterwards.

I am jaded though. I work in HE and have attended countless graduations. They bore me to death and I know all the students (whereas the parents only know their child).

You DD did sound a bit bratty but I can sympathise with the job rejection - it can be tough to deal with. I wouldn't get teary about it though.

Not boring? Christ on a bike…. I’ve graduated twice and been to another 3, they absolutely ARE boring even when it’s YOUR graduation. I literally went to my sons gradation 8 days ago and I was delighted when he said afterwards that he had plans to go out with his friends right after for dinner and we could go home. I’m very proud of him but glad he didn’t feel obligated to go with us and went out with his friends instead.

It was her Graduation, not yours.

Maybe support her with how obviously upset she is about the job reaction instead of accusing her of spoiling a day that wasn’t about you.

The other thing is DD’s behaviour was very public and you don’t know who was in audience. She’s also missed out on interactions with peers who may have had info re opportunities to look into. Doubt she went over to alumni stall and joined the network as she was rushing off. It’s often a small world in some careers. Silly girl.

The thing is, in OP’s daughter’s case as well, she’s just starting out. The graduate job market is fucked.

She was feeling a million things at once, and instead of stepping up and comforting her as her parents, OP and her husband are mad because the day wasn’t what they wanted. I doubt she wanted to receive this type of news on her graduation day, but now she is being demonised for it.

Wow.... goodness me, when did young people become so utterly unable to handle a disappointment and be so graceless?

Is a degree worth so very little now?

I think her behaviour was terrible; she's presumably over 20, but clearly very immature and doesn't know the value of either her own hard work for the last three years or the value of you, her parents.

I don't have a graduation pic because I was dirt poor at the time and couldn't scrape together the 15 quid. Regretted that all my life.

I hope your daughter grows up quickly OP; you didn't deserve this ugly behaviour.