Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

Well said.

This!!!

Your fear of saying anything to her shows that she has always ruled the roost and is a spoiled brat to be honest.

I would have been sympathetic about the job in the morning but after being treated so badly at the graduation, would have said “fair enough, me and your dad are going to dinner, get yourself home or head off with your mates”

Hmm, well DH and I would obviously have been sympathetic regarding thd job rejection. But would taken a very dim view of our DD behaving so petulantly and basically having a tantrum. She would have been quickly told you have to roll with the punches and carry on.

To be fair, we wouldn't have tolerated this behaviour when she was 10, let alone 21. And we certainly wouldn't have been treading on eggshells and waiting for her to dictate what we could and couldn't do.

Where is your self respect, OP?

Gosh, I'm sorry.

Does she have form for being anxious or angry with you at times of transition or when things don't go her way?

I have a similar DD and the most random thing can throw her off kilter (although, tbf, her boyfriend did dump her the day before graduation, so we knew it was going to be a tough one!)

We get around it by anticipating and removing all extra stress, so for eg, we didn't book graduation photos. However, she is good at rallying if friends are involved (nicer to friends than family!) so when her day seemed in danger of going south, I grabbed her most gregarious mate and took her with us and that saved the day.

That said, having a massive sulk is deeply upsetting, so I'm not surprised you are feeling down.

Is the OP spoiling her DD’s day with her disappointment? After her DD has paid lots of money and made plans including others? She ha come on to an anonymous forum to discuss her feelings. Nobody said her DD didn’t deserve sympathy. But making that the focus of the day is immature and unhelpful

I didn't say it was the parents day? But it was an event for which they had travelled a considerable distance and shelled out money on a hotel.

If she didn't want them there, she should have saved them the time and expense by telling them not to come. Then she could have sulked on her own in high style.

I spend half my life talking things over with her and supporting her, as does dh, so it just felt a bit of a kick in the teeth to be treated rather unkindly. I couldn’t have cared less if she had declined photo/dinner etc pleasantly saying she didn’t feel like it, but the whole expression and speaking badly to us was I admit very hurtful.

I thought it was that - and I sadly know how it feels though at some point I probably will have to take a deep breath spell it out for mine if it continues.

If she end up back her post degree firm words and boundaries will have to be drawn.

Not much in my wider family is celebrated - my masters graduation was a year late due to building work - a lot of my wider family questioned why bother - and I did feel like that at times - I had to take time off and spend money getting up there as did my parents - and I rarely have the pictures out as I was miserable and had put a lot of weight on - but when I do look back my parents are beaming and so proud - so though I remember little about it - and none of my friends went back - I'm glad I made the effort.

We do tend to ignore out burts - expeince has told us that's best - other two aren't like this - she blamesND but has same conditions as me - but as some point I think sharp words may have to happen.

I was like that at my graduation a long time ago and I feel really bad about it now as I know my parents wanted it to be a big celebration. I don't really know why I didn't want to join in and looking back I regret it. I did a Masters a few years later and the graduation for that was a lot better. Sending all my sympathies to you

What an odd and insular reaction. As I’ve said before, I realise some parents do fuck all all their children’s lives, or worse, but most dont. Most students have relied on family support to some degree. And how churlish to be ‘fucking furious’ to be asked to acknowledge that. Unless your family were abusive/neglectful, in which case, crack on.

Of course they could. A few weeks or months on, the daughter will have a job. Life will move on. Ruining a special day for her parents is what will now be remembered, unfortunately. If she'd put a brave face on, years down the line the job rejection would be forgotten.

Yes, we say it, but it's one acknowledgement, not the purpose of the day, which is what the poster I responded to said.

The same could be said about the OP in this instance - they’re seeming pretty selfish and indifferent to the feelings of their daughter. I would think more grace should be extended though to the person who is actually graduating rather than the bystander.

Not true at all.

Has she always found it difficult to get over disappointments and hurdles?
Job rejections are unfortunately part of life and it sounds like she has difficulty in dealing with stuff.
My graduation day was nice but slightly anti-climatic as I hadn’t had the magical uni experience that people speak of!
Anyway, she behaved like a brat (sorry!), but I guess what I’m trying to figure out is if this is part of her wider personality.

But she did want them there, and then she got awful news. But I guess she should’ve reacted like a robot?

Nothing the OP has said backs this up.

Or if it’s out of character.

They really are!

I have been to two graduations of my own and two of other people’s.

They are quite boring.

my son really couldn’t be bothered so got her certificate by post.

I’ll be honest, I’m really struggling to see how her graduation is about keeping you happy. My DD graduated last week, I rocked up in a new dress, she spent most of the day nattering with friends while I made small talk with my ExH who I bloody hate, and then she went out to dinner with ExH and his new wife and kids.

it’s not your day. It’s not about you. She shouldn’t feel the need (and nor should you try to make her) keep you happy on HER graduation.

That's not how I felt about my degree. Academic achievement is worth celebrating for itself. If it leads to a desired career, that's a bonus.

If they were selfish and different to the feelings of their daughter, they'd have bawled her out on the spot.

They extended plenty of pandering grace by sticking around for her sulking.

I hope OP reflects on some changes to be made going forward.

No, like an adult instead of a sulky teenager.

You're making this about you. It was her graduation. If she spoilt it, then it's her own graduation she's spoilt. Her choice, her consequence. I would just move on and forget it.

I paid both my kids’ rent through uni and put off retirement to help them get on the housing ladder and now to help with their children.
However they mature and are grateful have have never acted like this.

I’d question how close they were if they were genuinely unable to see through her “brave face,” but I suppose the parents do sound self absorbed so it’s possible.