Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

This is quite a narrow view to take. And what about the many graduates who have no parents or family to support them? How does this fit in with their experience of graduation?

And it’s very unkind to say ‘I hope she feels bad’. As other posters have suggested, it’s entirely reasonable that the DD would’ve been upset because of the job rejection, with emotions already running high because of graduation day, and perhaps she didn’t have the perspective in that moment to step back and manage all of those emotions calmly. Yes, she’s still very young, but I think it’s still difficult for most adults to process those emotions all at once, to be honest.

Graduation is a major life event for lots of people, a bit like a wedding or a milestone birthday, so your DD probably felt very upset that the job rejection fell on graduation day. Symbolically, the job rejection sounds quite painful too, as she may have interpreted it as a sign that she’s not yet ready for the world of work and life after university despite now being a graduate. I know that would have really upset me. It’s likely it wouldn’t have upset her so much if it had happened on a different day.

Separately, I’m really sorry about how this made you feel, OP, and you and your DH have every right to feel upset. Your DD didn’t treat you kindly or respectfully, because she was hurt and upset.

How would you feel about having a honest but kind chat with your DD about how this has made you feel? It’s also a good opportunity to talk about how she can deal with similar future experiences, where she might be simultaneously dealing with good and bad news, and how to handle that.

And then maybe suggest to her that you go for a meal together, to celebrate her graduation and commemorate it together (if you’re all feeling up to that)? Please make sure to tell her you’re proud of her, but do also mention how she made you feel. Good luck.

Tbh I'd be fucking furious if I'd just worked my arse off throughout my degree and I then had to applaud my parents and listen to some twat say "graduations are as much about the parents as the student"

University students are adults, graduations are for the student. They are to celebrate their achievements.

@DrudgeyPants nothing to be done now sadly.

Hoping you and your husband managed some unofficial photos though, have a lovely canvas portrait made?

A lot of pps seem to think of giving support to their young adult dc as part of a transaction, to be repaid with ‘respect’ and emotional labor in highly specific ways.

Which is up to them, but that kind of approach can lead to quite distant relationships later in life. I guess it depends on your priorities

That’s not the only disappointment you’ll face in life , that was a massive overreaction.

She sounds worried/ sad that she's leaving uni without firm plans in place. Maybe she's scared about the future? Ask her what's wrong?

Yes it's a milestone day for parents and it's extremely upsetting when the day is de railed by emotions like this but how is your relationship with her generally ? Had she seemed committed to the graduation before the job rejection ? I know I had more extreme emotional reactions at that age and a job rejection would have demoralised me. Also at that age I would not have considered that it was a big event for a parent. I thought my graduation was stupid boring and a waste of time but now that I am my parents' age (when I graduated) i quite like having the photo ! As the cliche goes you can't put an old head on young shoulders. I don't know if my ds will attend a graduation ceremony or not but I will try to understand if he doesn't want to for whatever reason. I think there is an industry built up around these milestone ceremonies - a bit like the 'take your kids to Disney before you lose those memory making moments' ads. Life is a much much bigger event than one ceremony so don't let it get to you,

I was (a tiny bit) like that at my graduation. I was being ghosted by a boy I had hoped to continue seeing post-uni, I was devastated at leaving halls, my friends etc later that week (this was the time when graduations were within term time), I had failed to get a graduate job, I was embarrassed by my gauche parents in their anoraks etc etc. So I was not in the best mood at all and it came across. I did however go through the motions (fake-smile photo, followed by a meal at which my best friend stepped in to replace the missing boyfriend - reader, I am now married to that best friend...!). But I do look back on that day with shame. So I'm sure your daughter will too.

I'm so sorry OP. It sounds like you wanted to share a special day with your DD and it didn't go as you'd hoped it would. It might not feel like it now, but I have no doubt your DD will appreciate your presence, and the effort you put in by travelling down and getting a new dress, in years to come.

My mum didn't come to my graduation (she didn't want to cut short her holiday). I ended up going with a friend of mine, who was my 'graduation mum'. My parents separated when I was very young, and I wouldn't have wanted my dad there, so it was only my mum who mattered to me really. It's something I still struggle with, although I was really grateful that my friend came with me. It was tough to watch everyone else there with their families and not have my mum there. However badly it went, just know that your DD will have seen you 'showing up' for her, and will probably look back and cringe at her behaviour in years to come.

I’ve faced far worse and far easier. The point is, sometimes things happen that knock you for six and you don’t react in an optimal way, because you’re human.

I just had my post grad graduation - it was very boring!

You're not being unreasonable at all, except perhaps in that you let someone who should be most of the way to adulthood behave like a spolit brat infront of people.

I think graduation cermenonies are even more for the parents than for the kids. You have supported her emotionally and financially throughout her GCSEs, A-levels and university and this is the one day that you get to wear a new dress and celebrate.

I am sure she was very upset to get a job rejection, and if she has been lucky in life then this may be the first time she has ever failed to achieve what she wanted, but as others have said, that is the real world and if this is the first rejection/perceived failure she has suffered then she is luckier than most.

There is no point having an argument now, but when tempers cool down a little I would say without any blame or accusation that it was a shame not to get to celebrate the end of university together and book another nice meal. If you don't live a million miles from her university town, find out where the university hires its gowns from and try to arrange a private photograph using the correct gown and cap for her degree (often the colour of the trim differs between courses or grade). As others have said, not having a photo is something that will only become more irritating as time passes, but there are lots of reasons why people cannot be there on the day and so you will not be the only person making alternate arrangements.

She behaved very poorly by throwing her dummy out of her pram without considering your feelings, but this is an argument that you can come back from, so I would not cut her out of the will quite yet. 😄

What conversation have you had with your daughter today?

Seems she has some growing up to do in accepting disappointment is part and parcel of life.

My narcissistic mum would agree with this. She has all our degree certificates framed & used to put it on HER CV.

Eh? What rattled your cage? Grow up.

It sounds like her DD acted in a very selfish and immature way on a day that is kind of supposed to denote her “graduation” into adulthood. Why should OP “get over herself” and not her DD?

I have been involved in graduation ceremonies through work and at one university in particular, the family and friends are routinely applauded in acknowledgement of their support.

I feel for you. It would have taken a lot of organising and expense to attend the graduation, and I totally understand you wanting to celebrate it. A disappointing red-letter day like that hurts. I don't have any words of advice for you, just empathy, and I hope you and hubby can do something nice for each other to celebrate the graduation, because you deserve it. If you are going out to a favourite place for dinner/coffee and dessert, etc., and want to throw a casual invite to your daughter, please do so. She may or may not accept, but she might be a bit more gracious about it, and if she goes, it will be a little like a redo. Best of luck. Parenting is hard. 😊

I can see why you are disappointed - also see why you weren't firmer - had some issue with 20 year old on family hoilday nothing was changing the foul mood but time as I did try - this behavior had died out in childhood but come back during A-levels.

I suspect they are blissfully unaware of money and time spent by you to get there and will probably regret it later.

I think you just have to chalk it up to one of those things and hope the world of work when she gets into it helps her grow up a bit.

Because her daughter's graduation isn't about her.

You would suggest wallowing in self pity instead of celebrating her achievements? And that’s kind in your opinion, is it?

Me too.

My mum would have preened herself over what a wonderful job she’d done, while I’d have been thinking “what support?”

😂😂😂
God don’t give my mother ideas!!