Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

Not at all. OP clearly stated in her post she was that bothered as she had been to others graduations before... A beautiful sentiment.

She clearly hasn't supported her daughter's mood as she was more concerned with her meal being ruined than what her daughter might be going through.

As for sticking the boot in, that's what the OP is doing to her daughter. This place is all about toxicity and coming on to complain about your children and open a forum for people you have never met to talk about how terrible your daughter is, that's not really what Mumsnet used to be about. But times change and not for the better.

I never do this @Bobbinsie , but I am going to report you to MN. Mentioning suicide - how DARE you.

And LYING saying I’ve said I wanted a photo for Facebook and to go out for some meal.

At last, a reasonable response that isn't all about the parent and actually puts your child at the centre of the situation (which in this case they 100 percent should be).

Depending on uni they charge for tickets, gown hire, photo package, plus a hotel for 3 (probably 2 rooms) petrol for 6 hour drive and probably a deposit for lunch - I’d bet anything that the parents paid. £500 - £750 at a guess. Plus a days annual leave each for mum and dad and a new dress.
If dc didn’t want to go to graduation that’s her decision, don’t apply for tickets and ask uni to post certificate.
But once she said she was going and mum takes time and trouble to book things it’s not on at all to behave as she did.
I’m on a uni parents forum, lots posting pics this week. Some posting photos they went to a pretty location to take as couldn’t afford official photos, or stressing about making it in time and setting off at crack of dawn as can’t afford a hotel. Imagine overhearing OP’s dd rudely saying she wasn’t having her photos done if you wanted them and couldn’t afford it.

I think this thread is a small example of how charging individual families and/or loaning the student thousands for getting a higher education, instead of having student grants, has really fucked up parent-child-university dynamics. and that’s absolutely no criticism of anyone involved here apart from past UK governments who made that awful decision.

But by all means report me for trying to highlight that you have no idea what is going through someone's mind at that age.

As I said in the X-post, “Use your words”
Then we’ll know! And might even be able to help you with the old emotional regulation thingy.

Omg that post is one of the worst I’ve ever read on Mumsnet. God forgive you.

@cramptramp Exactly. Horrifying. MN needs to step in.

Being resilient in the face of rejection is part of adult life- you should tell her she behaved like a spoiled brat.

YANBU

I read your post that you were mostly disappointed by DDs behaviour and the way she managed the job rejection, rather than you wanted to make it about you or make it your day etc as some other posted seem to be suggesting.

I strongly suspect longer-term that your DD will regret her behaviour, not having a picture taken, not doing anything special, behaving like a Diva, it’s a bigger deal for her longer term imo. It certainly feels quite childish/selfish, is she normally a high achiever that is not used to rejection and not achieving her goals?

You are perfectly normal in feeling disappointed as you were looking forward to the day, are proud of your DD, wanted to celebrate her achievement with her and are feeling let down by how she managed her response to the job rejection and her lack of consideration for her DPs who were there for her.

@Bobbinsie - I don’t think for one moment that op being upset at her daughter’s behaviour means that she doesn’t also sympathise with her daughter’s disappointment and care about her. These things are not mutually exclusive.

There is a real lack of perspective in some of the posts on here. It’s entirely possible to feel for this young woman (not child!) without thinking it’s acceptable to take your disappointment out on others. That includes accepting an award with a surly manner.

Indulging this in young people isn’t a kindness to them either.

Great post:

I agree.

There's often a surprising amount of black and white, unnuanced thinking on here.

Of course DD's disappointment was reasonable; its the way she indulged herself in it to ruin what was actually a day of celebration for her and her parents that is the problem, not the fact she had feelings, and, as others have said, it would have been perfectly understandable if she'd just communicated that and not used her anger to ruin the day.

There are ways of expressing feelings that don't involve throwing a tantrum.

Agghhh silly girl. What a shame, she’ll regret that and won’t get another chance to enjoy her graduation. But, we were all young once.
I totally get how the day felt such a disappointment for no real reason other than immature behaviour and understanding of the real world and life in general.
It’s not your fault. It’s hard being parents of adult chn . I have two DDs, I feel your pain.

Did she have friends graduating on the same day?

She was just trying to make her feel better 💚🙏💚

Sorry to hear this happened. Fantastic achievement though. Well done. Sons missed out on prom and grad day etc due to Covid cancellations few years ago. Events were held at later dates though. The sons aren’t bothered much about these type of events. I was disappointed though.
There was a Uni Grad day later on but he wasn’t into it so he just went out with his Uni friends on the day. I had looked forward to that day as have noticed others celebrating over the years. I had to respect his choice not to attend.
Younger son mentioned 2 days before the event that he was graduating but he wasn’t bothered about going either, I was excitedly messaging work to book day off work.
He graduated last week, taking part in the ceremony to please me. His brother jokingly told him not to do it. Took a quick photo of him in his cap and gown with his dad and a photo of me with him. Took a little phone video of him on stage and watch the ceremony on Youtube uploaded by Uni. Bought the professional photo taken of him on stage. Would've loved photos with him after ceremony with me and his dad as lovely sunny day and other students did this but he immediately handed in his cap and gown. We next saw him in the car park as he drove home us following behind. Disappointing but not unexpected. Grateful though for him taking part in the ceremony He wore older brother’s suit and shoes as we had no time to buy new.
It’s realising they have to make their own decisions and choices.

Such a beautiful, compassionate, kind & caring, empathetic comment
God Bless You&Yours 💚✨💚

A life lesson we all learn the hard way is actions have consequences. You don't need to discipline her or raise it again even really because the truth will probably already have dawned on her, she sulked and ruined her own party and she won't ever get that day or opportunity back.

You did the right thing. You showed up for her full of love and support. You did your job well but these things are part of growing up.

I would let her come to you and if she expresses sadness or regret I think you can express sympathy but equally state that there is perhaps a lesson to be learned that life's special moments are to be cherished. That it was sad she ruined her day and did not seem grateful for anyone's efforts.

Perhaps when things have calmed down you can all go out for a celebratory meal together and have a special photo. But I would let her have a bit of time to reflect first.

Thank you, all good wishes to you💚 we do our best all of us on here! I tell them I went to the University of Life, that’s so cringe they say. I would’ve been very shy to graduate in the 80s!