Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

And those complaining the parents made such a huge effort to attend her graduation... Unless you were dragging yourself away from a hospital bed I think you all need to reassess what being a good parent means.

I can't imagine a world where I complain of the "effort" taken to attend anything my children do.

So sorry she spoiled your chance at getting a few photos and going to nandos after, and all because a job she clearly wanted had rejected her.

I attended absolutely zero of my graduations due to already having jobs and my parents couldn't have cared less, they were proud of me for my accomplishments, not upset they missed out on an opportunity to take a picture to plaster on the internet for people who couldn't care less.

This. I would have done this rather than feeling miserable and continuing to pander.

They are not boring to parents. I have 3 graduates in the family. I went to three ceremonies and sat there lump in throat and teary eyed as each one was capped. Graduation Day is the culmination of their hard work. The photographs that captured the day are priceless

Got your halo, wings and a significant disposable income? All parenting is effort and OP has every right to feel gutted at the selfish and thoughtless behaviour of her daughter. They put a lot of effort into preparing ahead and attending the event - a bit different to rocking your and watching Saturday morning football ten minutes drive away.

I think it might be more useful for the thread if those people who can admit they sulk can perhaps give an insight into the process of the sulk as they experience it. Rather than going down the defensive. “Well you’re the immature one really”

In particular, if there are reformed sulkers, was there anything that made you stop?

Indeed, she's sulking over a picture opportunity and taking to the most toxic place for parents online rather than worrying about her daughter. Her daughter is still a child, what's her excuse?

I’m sorry the day was spoilt after the travel effort and support but please don’t worry about the graduation photos. She will have lots of milestone events in future and you can have photos of those. This won’t matter in a few years.

DD was probably stressed to hell about her future plans at this big jumping off point and had been really banking on getting that job. It’s a difficult time for a lot of young people, leaving university study which is a last bit of structure to hold on to, before entering the job market.

@DrudgeyPants I just came on to say that you may be able to order a picture of your DD accepting her degree certificate from the University Chancellor online. Tempest Photography cover many/most of the Universities. They take footage of all students accepting their degrees and also a photo of the student accepting their degree certificate. You might hopefully be able to order this photo from them.
My DD's graduation was yesterday. We forgot to get an official photo. Got too carried away with the reception after the ceremony. We were terribly disappointed to have made this error. However, we have checked on the Tempest website, and we will be able to order a photo of my DD receiving her degree. When my son graduated last year, Tempest Photography did this at his uni too.

No, I don't have a significant disposable income and attending a graduation is nothing to do with having a huge income unless you're an Instagram only parent who needs the expensive dress and the fancy meal after that your child couldn't care less about as it's all for you.

All parenting is not effort. That's a sad take on parenting. Much like most of the toxicity that comes off of this website.

Ooo yes good idea

the one of ds2 shaking hands is one of my favourites

I think her behaviour is frankly disgusting, selfish and immature, probably a good move on the part of the company that declined offering her a job. Graduation IS an important milestone, mainly for her but also for the parents whose blood sweat and tears will have helped her to achieve this.. Does she have form behaving like this? Is this going to be the norm going forward at other major events e.g her wedding? God it must be like walking on eggshells. She needs a damn good talking too, probably needed it years ago unfortunately.

"Her daughter is still a child, what's her excuse?"

Her daughter will likely be 21 or 22 - hardly a child.

Brain development doesn't finish until your mid 20s. She might legally be an adult but developmentally she still has a while to go before emotional regulation.

On the other hand we have a bunch of middle aged parents moaning that she acted disgusting and ruined her parents big day by being upset about a job rejection.

Someone mentioned me having a halo and wings but maybe it's everyone else who needs to take their head out their backside and stop pretending they've never been upset about anything and have never acted out even as a 30-40 or even 50+ adult and cut the young girl a break.

@DrudgeyPants I’ve read your posts but not all the replies so if this has been suggested please ignore - why don’t yourself and DH treat yourselves to a short break/night or two away to celebrate your own achievements in raising and supporting your DS/DD etc through college/university.

Re your dd, I totally get where you’re coming from, you wanted to celebrate with her and a graduation is a special day to do that together and look back on. Sadly it sounds as though your dd has some life lessons to learn and she will learn them. That will come with time age and maturity (and a few knock backs along the way). She didn’t deal with it very well and hopefully you’ve all had a chance to talk about it and she has apologised.
if she hasn’t or you haven’t discussed it, I think you need to sit and talk about how hurt you were at how she treated you both!

Either way, yourself and your DH deserve to have your own celebration even if it’s just a meal out.

Hope some of that helps xx

yep I agree, my dd is like this too. i really sympathise with op. i wish people would be kind to op. and those saying op shouldn't be bothered, then that'd make her a shit parent if she wasn't bothered by her dds graduation. its obvs its gonna be a big deal to any, decent, loving parent. its celebration of their child's hard earned achievements over many many years of education.

Well, this is unnecessarily spiteful, isn’t it. My mum has my graduation photos at home - they’ve never been near SM.

The real toxicity if this place is posters who love to stick the boot in to an op. Let’s be honest, op can’t do right for some on here - she should unquestioningly support her daughter’s moods and behaviour, but simultaneously any emotional investment in commemorating her child’s achievement makes op weird, needy and making it all about her.

do you understand what sulking is? And how it is different to disappointment?

OP is not sulking. She feels sad, and has obviously been able to share that with her husband. There is no sense that she has taken it out on anyone else, and has obviously made efforts to not let it turn into a row.

It is not about the photo, but no photo is just one of the many ways in which Madam … chose to behave.

If your reply is to demonstrate the thought process of a fully adult sulker, poor OP will be horrified, that outbursts like that are in her child’s future (and how old is the child!)

As for the “worried about her daughter.” schtick, isn’t that just another version of Jump Through The Hoops Mummy! Higher Mummy! Faster Mummy!
I think it is high time Madam was told to jump through her own hoops, and be told in no uncertain terms that sulking is a detestable character trait, that most people work hard to avoid. Eugh!

Wow! That is nasty.

Great that your parents didn’t care (or knew better than to expect anything from you?).

You obviously see a multi day sulk as an appropriate response to not getting the job. And no one has got round to telling you it really isn’t. Being disappointed, of course! Taking that out on others? No, that isn’t OK.

Sulking past the age of ten is really not OK.

This thread is so weird. It's the daughter's day, it's got nothing to do with the parents. They didn't sit the exams. If she got really disappointing news in the morning, of course she's going to not feel like celebrating. The right thing to do would've been to offer to bunk off the entire thing and go to the pub if that's what she preferred. Perhaps she had her absolute heart set on that job, or it was a final round and she thought she'd had it. Have none of you ever received a devastating rejection??

YANBU OP. DD was being a silly brat. Graduation isn't just for her, it's a celebration for her family who supported her.

When my own DS had his UG graduation he was still unemployed and upset about not getting any jobs. But he still had a nice graduation with everyone and when we took the photos together I was beaming with pride.

Just because someone is an adult. It doesn't give them the right for them to act so disrespectful.

I've had 4 kids go through university though and I genuinely don't feel that their graduations were anything other than a celebration of their achievements. I don't need thanking for what any decent parent does in supporting them. It's not about me at all.