Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

Totally true.

The irony of posting on the Internet so a lot of strangers can lambast her for her supposed emotional immaturity, when you didn't have the ability just say to her on the day, "Come on, you'll be heading up the laboratory of your dreams / managing partner of your firm / head teacher of an elite private school one day, and this photo of you is going to be there with your certificates in your office. Chin up. I'll help you with your makeup, big deep breaths, you look beautiful and you will be happy you did."

Or

"If you could have a quick photo in your gown and mortarboard just for your dad to send to your gran; I know he is bursting with pride today but he doesn't want to put any pressure on you."

Or, "If you take this photo so I can brag about you to your auntie, I'll give you £500, you venal little shit."

I dunno. Most people should know what to say that might get through to their kid. If it mattered.

You need a chat with her. If your daughter is going to react like this to every job rejection, she could be spending a lot of time in a mood. I understand it's disappointing - we've all been there at some point. I left college during a recession, I was rejected many times, some didn't even bother telling me I wasn't successful either. As for her graduation, she behaved badly, it's that simple. You'd travelled 3 hours, spent money on a hotel, presumably booked a restaurant, bought a new outfit - all for your daughter to not care or appreciate the effort you and her Dad made. She's an adult, not a toddler, and should be able to behave like one. She's in for a eye opener, if she thinks this will be the only rejection in life she has to experience.

Kids hey we love them but sometimes we don't like them.
Understand you feeling deflated it's a special day and of course you want to celebrate with your daughter.
I'm sure you will all laugh at this in years to come op .. would you talk to your daughter tell her you felt hurt by her reactions to you both that you understand her feeling disappointed but that it wasnt anyone's fault it's just life .
I'm sure this will blow over x

Aw I can sympathise with you op as my dd is a sulker and would have probably behaved the same as your dd. These are lovely milestone and proud moments that we look forward to as parents and want to remember fondly. And yes the photos are extremely important. I know its her day but it means an awful lot to us parents too.
I missed out on some lovely prom photos of dd with her friends as dd was stressed so was in a strop so I left her to it. I was secretly gutted but there was nothing I could do. im already dreading dds uni graduation because of similar issues and shes not even at uni yet!
im sure they will look back with regret when they're older at the way they behaved.

There’s definitely a lot of waiting around not to mention waiting for the graduate to appear on stage😊

Some posters on here are commenting like anyone over the age of 30 can’t comprehend career anxiety and disappointment.

It took me the best part of a decade after graduation to get a graduate-level job. This was after graduating with the only first on my course. It was a shit time in many ways and I felt like a complete failure whenever I met up with old friends who ALL got onto grad schemes. I don’t recall being shitty towards my parents or ruining big occasions, however, although I often felt very down about my situation. Life did not grind to a halt because of my work situation.

Op’s daughter isn’t even anywhere close to where I was. Not having something lined up at graduation isn’t new. Also ludicrously premature to be saying that her entire degree is rendered useless!

I think there is a middle way between telling her off like a naughty child and pandering to this. Yes, the job market is shit. And even when it wasn’t, some of us have struggled to translate academic achievement into career success. But this cannot spoil every aspect of life. I agree that she is going to need to develop skills to cope with disappointment.

Also, you were her guests. She would likely have been allowed to invite two people and she chose you. So when your guests travel three hours at your invitation and you have a strop on, you plaster a smile on your face, fake it til you make it and process whatever disappointment you have had afterwards. (By which time, having decided to crack on with the day, she might have actually enjoyed it. I bet she's kicking herself she didn't at least have a chat with her mates. Probably overthinking now and giving headspace to what she ought to have done instead.)

How is she now after she spoiled her own graduation?

You say she has form for spoiling things with a bad mood, and I wonder whether either you or your husband have ever really brought her up short about this pattern of behaviour. Yes, she was disappointed, but to have so little resources to put it in context, or to be able to put it aside and enjoy the day is (for a top tier student) actually shocking.

Is it that she encounters ‘failure’ so rarely that she has no coping skills.

I have to say, I would be taking it seriously (not the graduation, but this rather immature aspect of their character), it will go down like a bucket of cold sick in the work place, and she will get told in very plain language indeed- and be expected to suck it up, like all the other adults do.

@DrudgeyPants I hear you. Love my DD to bits but she’s a nightmare when things don’t go her way. Her graduation was one of the most stressful days of my life because of how absolutely perfect she wanted it to be and things didn’t go 100% to plan - nothing bad, just not what she envisioned.

It was very stressful and we felt like we were walking on eggshells at times but I just try to reframe it as her disappointment rather than “spoiling it”. I did speak to her about it later when the pressure was off. She did a post grad and I’ve spelled it out to her that the next one better me more relaxed or we’re not coming!

Actually this is an excellent point. The OP is cross with her daughter for sulking on her graduation day. Sounds to me like the OP is sulking as she didn't get a nice graduation photo of her daughter. It's not just the daughter who could do with growing up a bit...

Bumcheese??

Unbelievable! Kids these days are self entitled and won't take a setback kindly! My dd is like that, she failed last exam so need to resit which means graduation is now in Jan 26 rather than this August, and she just keeps making snide negative comments about being a failure, am even tired of reassuring her, its exhausting. Shes 22 and behaves like a 19 year old. Its a 15min thing shes got to resit and shes not the only one amongst her friends and this is after completing a 4 year masters in pharmacy!
So, no, youre not being unreasonable, you have every right to me annoyed! You went to a lot of effort 🤦🏽‍♀️
Hugs 🫂 🤗

I didn't want to go to my graduation because I wanted to travel. But I saw how much it meant to my mum so I did.
I'm sure you have supported her, including financially, through the degree.
Have kids of my own now and I'd be very upset to be treated like this.

I'd be really upset too OP. It's a big life event, and your DD has spoilt it due to a temporary setback.

I love graduations, even the ceremony, in fact I love most celebrations. And that's what it should have been, a celebration.

To be honest unless you have a dd like thar you won't get it. I have one and its exhausting! OP has probably spend the whole University pwriod doing that and everyone has a line they cant cross! 🙄
Im even dreading when my dd graduates in Jan 26! Its no joke so please let's try to be kind to OP

I really feel for you OP.
I did not go to university, so the separate graduations of my DC X3 was extremely important to me. It is not just the official photo, but in each case there was a reception with the department. One university, further away, required an overnight stay, and we booked an evening meal the night before at the university.
This was a chance for my DC to introduce us to some of their academics, of some other friends, etc.
Yes, we were all wearing smart clothes as required. So I would be thoroughly irritated if any of my DC had moped like that.
However, I realise some people would see this differently, and some students did not bother with the ceremony themselves, and were away, or not there.
As you go through life, we suffer so many disappointments. I have been made redundant from a job in the past, and so has my DH. In fact the number of rejections you can get after that is very debilitating, especially when you have a mortgage to pay. The important thing is to learn how to manage these disappointments.

She should have known her parents would want a picture and she might not have been in the mood but she should have done it for them.

I feel sad for the people who feel graduations are boring. When our sons graduated it was lovely to see the friends they had talked about getting their degrees too. There were so many young people dressed up and feeling proud of their achievements, they were just glowing with it and I felt I just wanted to give them my best wishes and hopes for a happy sucessfull life. On both occasions there were people from all corners of the world being awarded higher degrees, we talked to some of them and their families, it was fascinating. Both universities put on some exhibitions and it was possible to talk to the lecturers who had taught our sons. You would have to be very jaded not to enjoy an experience like this.

If she received a top academic prize then she likely isn't used to not getting what she wants re. academia. It can be a really tough pill to swallow if you are used to being in the upper tier and suddenly someone is better. The thing about jobs though, is I care about people's background, jobs, and grades (to a certain extent), but I more care about the personal fit to the office, how they would interact, how they take critique. It seems here that she got very upset/angry, and that timing is unfortunate, but it depends on how she handles that, and other rejections going forward. Not every job/workplace is going to fit for every person. She will learn that one way or another. Yes, she was rude to you, and that wasn't acceptable. Hopefully in a few days she apologises. If she doesn't, she should be spoken to about why bailing on her own dinner was really poor behaviour. Graduation photos are for parents, I couldn't give a monkeys about mine, don't know where it even is. The dinner is the more important part in my opinion.

I’d feel the same OP. I would expect a young person old enough to be graduating to show a bit more resilience and park the job thing until later. She spoiled her own day and will come to regret it. (I’ve been to a few graduations too with one more to go so I know how these days pan out).

First comment nails it.

She sounds rather self-absorbed and immature for a 21 year old.

She has some growing up to do before she enters the world of work, for sure.

Well dd was a wee brat.
We couldn't afford photos so dad took them outside in a pretty spot. Think we went to pizza hut to celebrate. Def no new outfits or anything. She obviously doesn't realise how lucky she was to have parents there

OP, I behaved a lot like your daughter at my graduation. Whatever it was that had set me off into a foul mood resulted in me being a sulky arsehole all day to my parents. I also had form for ruining some events by causing a bad atmosphere, and have done this even in my 30’s. I don’t know why I do it. I ruin what should be nice days for myself and other people, even though I really meaningfully want to enjoy the occasions and sort of know I’m doing it in the moment.

I know everyone’s fed up of everything being about ADHD but anyway, I have ADHD and I do think it’s linked. For me, anyway. It’s like some sort of anxiety outburst that I can’t stop.

Exactly sounds horribly selfish. What a way to treat your parents?
No respect.

"I wasn't building this graduation up, I have been to others". This shows exactly how little this was about your daughter and more about you. She didn't ruin anything for you, this wasn't about you.

Your daughter is at the start of her life as a grown up in the working world and rejection from a job she had possibly imagined herself in many times over in her head is more important to her than a graduation ceremony and getting a picture taken.

The fact you mention feeling "like an idiot trussed up in a new dress" rather than about how your daughter must have been feeling really shows how out of touch you and other parents are on this site. It's become more a place to moan about other people rather than accept your own failings in a situation.