Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

But your parents were prepared for this. You didn’t leave them in the lurch.The OP was led to believe the full graduation event would be a thing, until it wasn’t.

Were the university taking photos of this? Their social media team might have one on the website.
My favourite photo from my most recent graduation is where I'm on the stage, not the official one. I look a lot happier in it!

I was at my dc graduation this week.
Actually it could easily have been the same Uni.

He wasn’t upset over anything.
But he surely wasn’t ‘smile, wave or graciously acknowledge the applause and support of total strangers in some way.’.
He had to touch his hat. Which he did. That was it. Some didn’t.
Sure there was the odd person skipping on stage or waving, making big smiles. But most were just walking across hurriedly. That was it.

Also, having a child isn’t a transaction.
Yes her parents supported her. Yes they paid for the hotel. And ???
Theyre parents. Being a parent is expensive, not just when theyre little. It doesn’t entitled them fur a smile or a photo.

And that was such a huge thing and so disappointed that the OP can’t show any resilience and get over it? She needs to post on MN and let people calling her dd name rigut left agd centre wo batting an eye lid (which I assume is because she agrees right?)

Thats just a meal and a photo.
Hardly the end if the world or as a PP graduating in abstentia because the student has died….

In my day we had the graduation and then went back later, rehired the gown, and had studio photos taken. Maybe your daughter could do this and do your meal together?

This was us two years ago, OP. I don’t know what triggered it but on our way to the ceremony, he suddenly went all quiet and moody with a face like stone. I think he got stressed about the crowds, being on stage, etc.

We stood around in silence watching joyful family groups all celebrating with their beaming children, while ours ignored us. He did pose for photos with us and he actually smiled for them.

I do have quite a funny photo of when he was on stage shaking hands with the Dean (or whoever it is) and all the people behind were looking quizzically at DS because he looked like Mr Angry.

He sloped off afterwards to talk to his mates then we drove home in silence (we’d had a meal out the night before as it was an early graduation).

Every time I see anything to do with graduations and people flinging their hats (what are they called?) in the air, I just cringe when I think about that day. I do feel a bit cheated but it’s all nonsense really isn’t it?

He never explained what was wrong and unbelievably, he is actually a lovely kid he just gets anxious in social situations.

I sold my lovely new dress on Vinted as it just brought back bad memories.

He is a bit embarrassed about it now, I think,

I am so sorry OP

we had ds2’s delayed graduation last friday (he actually graduated last year)

i did say to him the night before that if he didn’t want to do it we could not bother

BUT

i would have been incredibly disappointed if we had gone along and didn’t get the photos (although fuck me they were expensive!!!!!) and he canceled our plans

(hopefully your daughter gets a job soon)

I would imagine mum and dad have heavily supported and financed her time at university so to deny them a fucking photo of her in the gown is shitty, selfish juvenile behaviour.

I’m with OP on this. I think she owes them an apology.
There will be other job opportunities. You only get one graduation.

Presumably, she had really wanted this job and was very upset to be rejected. She doesn't yet have the maturity to be able to put those feelings aside and put on a brave face.

Fuck me, she's presumably 21 at least, not 2! She's going to face a lot more rejection and disappointment in life.

I say disappointed….i might well have been furious who knows 🤷🏻

but disappointed at the very least

A prize? You mean something she earned

I feel upset on your behalf OP. My DS was a bit off on his graduation day but nowhere near as bad as this. I was so proud and excited that he’d got through his degree, I managed to rise above any negative vibes.

I think it’s a bit much to expect her to plaster on a rictus grin when she was feeling miserable. You’re essentially saying ‘It’s more important that you fake cheerfulness for us than what you’re actually feeling.’

Yes, she’ll get many more job rejections, but by the time you’re old enough to have a 20something child, you’ve figured out how to deal with them — she hasn’t yet. And graduation is a weird time, a clash of university and family, a sort of goodbye to student friends and worry about other people who’ve already moved ahead with their post graduation lives. I’d cut her some slack. it’s disappointing for you, obviously, but you may all agree to borrow a gown and do some photos later on. And she can take you for dinner with her salary when she gets one.

Graduating and then transitioning into the world of work is hard. All people your daughters age ever hear is how difficult it is for them to find a job these days. How she’ll never have enough money for her own home. Won’t be able to afford to have kids. Won’t be able to retire etc etc.

Yes it’s just one job rejection but I understand why she wasn’t feeling particularly resilient about it in the moment.

People saying she’s being a brat or over dramatic…is it any more dramatic to be sulking after a job rejection than to be feeling “miserable, “very down” and “teary” because DD didn’t feel like having a meal after her graduation ceremony anymore? Have a meal once she’s feeling better.

Right!!??

Something she worked her arse off for no doubt and now she’s probably thinking “what was the fucking point! Ive graduated top of the class/won a prize” & it still wasn’t good enough to get this job.

What even is this thread.

My mum is proud of my degrees, I think, but never had a shit fit because I didn't want to get photos done.

& just to add…graduation is like a wedding. Of course everyone wants a lovely wedding day but ultimately it’s the marriage that matters.

A nice graduation day is lovely but the hard work for the past 4 years (or more) and the degree she’s earned is what’s important. Not a meal or a photo.

Also, I’m an academic, and have been to dozens and dozens of graduations. I can assure you, OP, that some of those apparently smiley graduands are miserable or scared or feuding with their parents or introducing them to their totally unsuitable boyfriend or facing an arranged marriage or are mostly concerned with whether their self-harm scars show in their gown.

Your day wasn’t unusual in being disappointing, but in a way, I think you should congratulate yourselves on raising a daughter who felt able to tell you how she was feeling. You can still be proud of her.

mine was! it was a nice sense of achievement, but I knew it would be dull (to the point i didnt go to my foundation degree one, just the BA, and if i do another, which I'm toying with, I won't go again)

This made me remember my graduation over fifty years ago. It wasn‘t cool at the time to attend and none of my friends did, but my poor mum was looking forward to it so much, so I gritted my teeth. But I did change out of my gown immediately after the ceremony and appeared for the drinks in the college garden in my gran‘s old silk dress.
And my mum was very happy.

Yes, but it isn't in her nature to be rude to her parents or to sulk. I have had to support her through her disappointments, but she has always behaved better than the OP's DD.

Do you typically try to solve her problems OP?

Have you stepped in before when things haven't gone right?

Is she used to getting her own way?

It sounds like she lacks emotional resilience and maturity. What a shame it marred the day.

I probably would have tried to persuade her to go for a meal and make the most of it tbh.

It's not ok on the restaurant owners for a start to have a no show on a really busy day.

You're being a bit of a drama llama OP. The desire for 'the photo' is desire for a status symbol, that you can stick on your wall/social media, let's face it. Perhaps your daughter is more grounded and cares about the things that really matter, rather than about putting up appearances.

Shame. She could've at least put on a front of having a good time and then collapsed in a heap afterwards (probably what I would've done -raged a bit first, then sorted myself out for the sake of the ceremony and cried later on re the job!). Bad timing, and she will probably look back on it and regret it.

To those who say ceremonies are boring etc. Yes, the ceremony is a bit of a drag, but the bit before and afterwards is very jolly with the graduates having photos with their friends, families, tutors and general good cheer. We had DD's a few weeks ago and it was a lovely day and we had dinner afterwards (at a resturant we'd been to before so knew it was good). The photos we took are nicer than the official grad photo though (reminds me of how bad school photos were compared to family ones of the kids)...

If it's anything like the university I graduated from, these days, they have someone taking photos of the graduates crossing the stage and shaking the hand of the provost / dean (or whoever it is up there), and have them available to buy, so you could look into that, OP. However, whether those photos capture the graduates' "best" facial expression as they're crossing the stage / shaking hands is another matter - my inane grin as I did so was pretty awful, so my parents didn't end up buying it!

Also, again if it's anything like the university I went to, they film and upload recordings of the graduation ceremonies to a site / portal for graduates and their families to re-watch at their leisure - again something to look into. Even if you don't have your own photos of your DD, there's likely to be other ways in which the ceremony has been photographed and / or filmed for posterity that you could potentially access.

I hope that your DD has success in the near future recruitment-wise and that you and your DH can move on from this eventually, upsetting as it was.