Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

I can’t bear “gently …”
And I don’t think the OP is making it about her. She knows whose graduation it is. It’s the time and effort the parents put in - time off work, thinking about and buying a nice dress, booking the restaurant, travelling etc. The daughter appears to have zero acknowledgement of that.
Unless there’s neurodiversity involved, whilst understanding her feelings and accepting them, I’d be so annoyed at the behaviour.

Why do I keep seeing posters say the sacrifices OP has made, OP had contributed to her academic success, couldn’t have done it without their support etc?

I’m genuinely curious how the parents take any credit for their child doing well at university, unless they paid all of the fees but even then it’s still the students hard work that enabled them to graduate.

If stropping like that and ruining your parents day and also probably impacting the day of other graduates in her class who were looking forward to her being part of their day is normal human behaviour the human race is doomed.

@SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo my mother latched on to the idea that my graduation ceremony should be all about thanking her for her efforts etc and ruined my day. She’d done precisely bugger all to support me during university - not financially, not practically, not emotionally. She didn’t even know what subject my degree was in. But the success was deemed to be all hers. So she turned up late (I’d had to be taken by my best mate’s parents instead to get me in there on time), refused to go to any of the after events the university had organised and kept reminding me the day was all about her. Your degree is your degree, not your parents. It’s the bloody equivalent of applauding your mother when you do well at work.

OP - so sorry things didn’t go to plan for you.

Getting rejected from a job is one of the most gutting things someone can go through.

Hardly.

Do you know what IS one of the saddest and most sobering moments at some graduation ceremonies though?

The posthumous awards. Where it's not the young person him/herself who goes up on stage to collect their award, but a family member or friend - because they have died. And though it must be such a poignant, painful moment for their loved ones, at all the ceremonies I've worked on, most of these people have still managed to smile, wave or graciously acknowledge the applause and support of total strangers in some way.

OP's daughter experienced a disappointment, perhaps a major but temporary one, on the day of her graduation. But she wasn't even able to park it long enough for a few photos and a nice meal with the parents who'd supported her, travelled a considerable distance and forked out on a hotel for the event SHE wanted them to attend. Instead they were treated to sulks and bad moods, which appears to be a bit of a pattern for her.

Well, there’s the early years. The school years. The co-curricular support. The financial support.
Yes, the degree is the result of the student’s work, but lots of things put them in the position to be able to do it.

And your mother was wrong to behave like that. It doesn’t mean that other mothers, who supported their children all the way, deserve to be treated like shit.

The issue will be in years to come when DD feels disappointed not to have graduation photos both formal and informal.

Especially if she scored a decent job shortly afterwards. But hey ho.

Be interesting if she turns around and blames her parents for not 'forcing' her to have a photo.

Kids can’t go to uni without parental financial support in most cases in England.
If your household income is over £60,000 the yp can only borrow min loan £4900. Rent is often £8000 to £10,000. The required minimum parental top up is over £6000 a year but many parents end up paying more than required due to high rent.
Yes yp can work pt or in hols, gap year etc but reality is most can’t earn enough and need the parents top up to be able to go away to university.
If a yp has a single parent on benefits then yes they will get full loan. But vast majority of students have parents required to financially contribute by the government.
Most parents will drive dc to uni, help them move in and out of accommodation, buy food shop and kit them out with household goods, let them live at home in hols rent free. That’s all support on top of money.
If students are working a lot it can impact their studies. A student working nights at McDonalds to make their rent is less likely to get a first than a student whose mum pays their rent. Latter has more time to study.

I’m sorry I haven’t read all the comments. I have learnt to my cost that trying to rally my eldest when they are in ‘I’m pissed of mode’ is fruitless - there is nothing I can do - nothing. The only thing to do is to withdraw and ignore after saying ‘I can see you are mad, I’m here if and when you want to talk’ and then I leave them too it

I think she behaved like a prat, but I do also remember the looming dread of reality at graduation. I loved university, I was smart, and achieved well, but suddenly I was full of anxiety that I was a big fish in a small pond and maybe I was going to flop in the real world.

Maybe she's feeling the same, and she got a rejection in the morning just to ram the feeling home.

I understand you feel really let down but probably best just to let the whole thing blow over.

IMO @RainSoakedNights has her own agenda and is projecting. She is clearly not able to read and comprehend the OP's posts and reading things into them that aren't there.

Yes, I get that the DD was disappointed
Yes, I get that the OP was disappointed.
However, the OP wasn't the one throwing a strop.

My own daughter has had to deal with disappointments in life as well. She didn't cry when she didn't get into medical school, she didn't cry when she didn't get the first post grad degree she applied for (she dodged a bullet there as it was for a role that will be phased out). She picked herself up and continued with her life, and is now smashing it in the post grad degree she is doing now.

I think what lots of people are missing in their rush to be harsh to OP or her daughter, is that OP is upset that her daughter ruined a day when her parents wanted to share in celebrating her.* *For the rest of her life, OP's daughter won't have any photographs to commemorate her massive academic achievement. She'll have no happy memories of sharing her success with her uni friends and being treated and toasted by her family. And of course OP and her husband were looking forward to that.

Then it was snatched away from them all, over a job rejection that will fade into insignificance with time. Nowhere near as 'gutting' as seeing a special day ruined for no real reason.

In that way, daughter has created her own consequences. A hard lesson that she will hopefully learn from.

You. Should have gone to Specsavers. I said he didn't sulk. Nor did he strop.

Job hunting is adult stuff you know 🙄

I disagree. It's HER graduation. She's ruined it for herself. It's a shame she's ruined her own day, but it is HER day to ruin. She probably will regret it, but was obviously extremely upset over the job. The OP is making it all about her. I had to read the OP twice actually, as the way she was talking it sounded like she'd ruined the OP's graduation. OP, it wasn't your day. I'd be ashamed (of them) if any of my family told me that my own graduation day was as much about them as it was about me 🤦🏼‍♀️

Your degree is your degree, not your parents

Fully agree. It doesn't mean that you can't thank them for supporting you (if indeed they do - not all parents do!) but graduation is primarily about the graduate.

Good for your daughter. But I hope she knows that if she DID cry about any of those things, that would be okay too!

Me too! I'm feeling really sorry for the OP's daughter (or son??) actually. People are saying such awful things about her. So she was gutted about not getting a job and was in a bad mood for her own graduation. Really not a crime. People are saying such vile things about her.

She was a complete brat but your first rejection is demoralising and it happening on a happy day is a bit shit.

I think I'd have told her to get a grip, though, because she is inevitably going to be rejected from a lot of jobs, that's just life. For every role advertised there can be dozens of applications and they can only pick one.

Vivid imagination on show there!

I have not read all the post on the thread. I think her behaviour is over the top, however, she may not have yet built up resilience. This is definitely, something she needs to work on.

What's that got to do with it.

To be fair, I wasn't going to bother going to my graduation. I went because my family wanted to be able to see me crossing the stage.
People go to graduation for all sorts of reasons.
@DrudgeyPants you might find that the university do walk-in graduation photos about a couple of weeks before the next ceremonies with gowns provided. That would be a way to get a photo without having to hire the gown all over again. Or insist she does a masters...