Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

I’m very sorry.
Graduating is a huge milestone and you should’ve been able to celebrate it as such.

I don’t know what’s going on with your daughter, but had it been me behaving this way - my parents would’ve left me high and dry. They would’ve told me that they would always love me, but to get back to them when I could be appreciative.

And they would not have celebrated anything for me in a long time afterwards.

Poor behavior was rewarded with rewarded with stonewalling - as it should be.

Of course, behavior like your daughter’s was not in my vocabulary — I was extremely thankful for everything my parents sacrificed and did for me and I was very much thankful. I felt so blessed and guilty at my parent’s generosity, that despite my jam-packed school & extracurricular activities, I acquired an after-school job.
I still - years after they’re gone I cannot get over the love and support and appreciation my parents showed me every day of my life.
I was so very fortunate. And I know that, Lord knows.

What I wouldn’t give for one more day with my beloved parents…

Perhaps your daughter should see and experience what it feels to have parents who do not support and defend and love and care and respect the daughter they love to realise how very fortunate she is.
Maybe try ignoring her every last request and whim - and see how long she holds out. Maybe just stop doing the multitude of things you do for your daughter which she takes for granted.
I don’t know - you know your daughter best.

Again - I’m truly very sorry. You deserve better.

Sending love from California ❤️

She hasn’t mentioned not supporting her either, yet you’ve decided she didn’t. And she hasn’t said she’s awful, has she? Just that she’s disappointed in her behaviour on one day.

No wonder you’re upset. Yes, job rejections are hurtful, but your DD sounds like she acted in a very immature and self-centred way. You mention she got a top prize - is she a bit conceited and full of herself? Does she have an inflated opinion of herself? If so, perhaps being rejected made her more angry than anyone her age would normally be?

I’d talk to her and tell her how disappointed you are at her immaturity and silly expression and general sulking. I’d also do the same back to her actually, so she can see how immature she was and how thoughtless and babyish, wallowing in self-pity like a young child. She needs to get over herself, as that won’t be the last job rejection she receives. She sounds so spoilt and entitled.

It's a little sad, yes; but, this perhaps, is her first big rejection. It is your job as a parent, to teach and equip her to deal with something that every human being on the planet has experienced.

When my DC were young, I used humour/kindness, but coupled with this methodology:-

1. you are not the most important person in the world, except to me, and your DF
2. not everyone will like you
3. you will not be invited to every party
4. you will not pass exam or test you take (they did)
5. once a thief, always a thief
6. if you do something that gets you wildly into trouble, I don't care what it is, you can tell me and we can deal with it together
7. learn to laugh at yourself - where we live, a sense of humour is deemed necessary to survive

I'm probably not that much older than you, but in our family, it's usually the shit times that we end up laughing at. You/your DH could even save this little tantrum up, for the father of the bride speech...

I hope your day has got a little better. And to the PP who said they were boring, I agree - actually apart from the huge pride I obviously took in my DC's achievements, the whole day was excruciating for me from beginning to end, as I had to spend it with my narcissistic, abusive exH, and smile.

There’s a big difference between not smiling and face like thunder though. You don’t need to be smiley just neutral - same face you use when you clap the winning team or when colleague announces they got the promotion not you.
Fine to change mind about wanting photos on day but at least say that in a polite manner to the person who has paid probably £50 for the pre booked photo package.
Same with meal. Fine to say actually I’m not in mood shall I cancel restaurant and we’ll just get something quick instead, do you want me to transfer money for wasted deposit. Not fine to flounce off and leave person who booked to sort it out.
As an Adult you can be upset but don’t take it out on others or expect them to sort things without any thanks.

@RainSoakedNights

How has OP identified her? All we know is that she is female and recently graduated - that's it.
We don't know the uni. We don't know where they live. We don't know the course.

Genuinely, how can we identify DD?

We all have disappointments but how you deal with them matters. It’s like if you come second in sports you clap the winners you don’t flounce off or stand with a scowl.

This is a good point. I competed as a child and the first thing I was taught was to turn my head left to congratulate the person that had beaten me. Then turn my head to the otherside to the person I'd beaten to commiserate. It was called character building because it taught you not to make a petulant show of yourself when you didn't get what you wanted.

Only one 21 year old female with her parents present graduated in the world recently. Didn't you know?

Ha ha - dd may not even be a dd !! And I didn’t quite say when the graduation was either…

This is how we are all raising this current generation to feel that this type of behaviour is OK, because whatever it is is all about them. She didn't just spoil it for her parents, she has tarnished it for her peers and for the university staff who will remember someone stomping around like a 5 year old.

This isn't particularly down to how her parents have raised us but how society is these day and it is going to come back and bite us,

Disappointing, but she’ll bounce back, perhaps this is her first real disappointment. First cut is the deepest and all that. Depending on your family dynamic/humour, you’ll probably laugh about this and remember it, more.

I didn’t attend any of mine. Too much admin.

To celebrate the graduates?

Could not agree more.

Where do you get ‘not showing emotions’ from the fact he didn’t sulk? You can share and display emotions without sulking.

I am sorry she had to sprinkle all her bad feelings over you. You got her to where she is in academic success. She is now an adult who has probably lived away from home. Next time acknowledge for her any tough situation " yes, that's tough" then don't hang around for the drama and don't give it an audience whatsoever. It means you are acknowledging what has occurred and you are not responsible for her feelings. You and husband continue on doing your planned activities and allow the emotional candle she has to burn itself out.

You can 🙂

I can still remember going to big picnic and there being a race.
And I remember thinking “I’m gonna ace this.”
I was 5, and at the starting line, the rest of the girls were 10, 11, 12 (you get the picture), and they blew by me like they were Superman” hahaha. I was the last one to finish.
I waa mortified!!
It wasn’t fun then - I waa SHOCKED!! And I burst into tears and ran to my mum who soothed my wounded soul.
i think that was the first time in my tiny life I realised I wasn’t the best, most amazing, most wonderful, most important girl in the world.
lol
edited for punctuation

What's so awful about this? I genuinely can't understand where some people on this thread are coming from. She didn't have to pretent to be deliriously happy but she could have tried to be pleasant and courteous and if there is something really major going on in her life she could try talking to her parents about her feelings.

Is this the first time she hasn't succeeded at something important or missed out on something she really wanted? I just want to point out that some of us get more practice at handling disappointment than others..

I’d be livid in your shoes. But I think I’d let the dust settle for a day or two, and then have an unfiltered word about resilience, and showing up for parents who had supported her emotionally (and presumably financially) through her degree. Does she owe you? Yes she does. She owed it to the two of you to suck up her disappointment and put on a smile for a picture, and make an effort to enjoy her achievements, and your sacrifices.

Oh ffs! Presumably OP and her DH have funded their DD's time at university - the graduation day is as much for the parents as it is for the graduate. Behaving like a brat on the day she should have been celebrating and maybe - here's an idea - thanking her parents for their support is unacceptable. Because of one rejection? She'd better buckle up because even the very best shiny new graduates get plenty of rejections. I'd be having words OP.

I would hope that there are so few graduates behaving like this that it will be fairly obvious.

21 isn't a kid, by the way. The infantilisation of young adults nowadays is really remarkable. It's a big change from when I was that age.

Perhaps, perhaps not, @DrudgeyPants—

But disrespect from a daughter is still disrespect, is it not?

DNA is hardly required.

You're right. There was nothing identifying at all.