Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

This was to @RainSoakedNights but the quote was deleted just as I was posting.

OP I remember my own graduation as being a boring sort of faff, but then I'm really not one for rituals...

I think your reaction is perfectly understandable and the flak you're getting here is mostly just ppl being mean. I guess the title of your thread sounds rather accusatory against your daughter, which doesn't help.

I'm also guessing that you're worried about your daughter's future and how she'll handle the hardships of the job hunt in a difficult market if one sole rejection has this effect. Very valid concern.

She was well bratty, but even if she did well in the academic environment, she may be very scared about what's next, so I'd let it go. Tell her it was a shame how the day went, but then move on. Let her and yourself cool off and then focus the conversation on the future. I hope things come together for her (and you).

What a vile attitude you have.

Your son not showing emotions in front of you is not a flex or something to be proud of.

Getting rejected from a job is one of the most gutting things someone can go through.

Your DS would have been really disappointed but the poor guy couldn’t even have some time to feel sorry for himself over it else you would have looked down your nose at him and called him nasty names.

Also, parenting isn't always easy. I thought that was the whole point of these forums: for mums to be able to come and get perspective.

I think to be honest OP was a bit worried about her DD's resilience and overreaction as much as the meal etc. That's not a flippant concern for a mum to have.

I really don't like that way of talking about someone who has had a bad experience and didn't handle it well. OP has not used anything like those terms about her DD.

I imagine OP's DD isn't at all an 'entitled madam', or 'the pits'.

It was her behaviour that was wrong, not who is she is as a person. And given OP's update that they were having a cuddle, it looks like all is getting sorted which is great to hear.

That's good. Now ignore the arses on here determined to stick the boot in. Perhaps DD will be open to discussion soon and you will be able to make your points, as will she.

How did OP not support her?

They booked a lovely hotel.

They devoted two days.

They booked a lovely meal.

And when the dd said she didn’t want to go to the meal, OP didn’t object and they all went home.

What else do you want from OP? Self-flagellation using DD’s rolled up degree?

I remember my graduation - it was the last time I was going to be seeing those people, the last time in that city, as I had a job lined up in London, starting a couple of weeks later. I was feeling incredibly fragile underneath everything. I can imagine receiving bad news that morning wouldn't have helped.

But I wouldn't have behaved badly. It was so important for my parents.

I have seen lots of people taking graduation pics in my town this week. So joyous - everyone dressed up, sharing with proud family.

Imo OP is entitled to feel sad.

You have my heartfelt sympathy OP. I've been in many similar positions (too many) with my own adult child. Don't hide your upset or disapproval. She deserves to be told that she can't treat people like inanimate objects because things didn't go her way. A fully rounded adult must acknowledge other people's feelings and expectations, especially those who love them. Otherwise we would all turn out to be self absorbed monsters. To say nothing of unemployable and friendless.

You also don't have to lash out and alienate your main support network. It sounds like the DD might be ready to start learning this now. Belatedly, but better late than never.

Unless her mother is so sensitive she’s going to cut contact over something minor, she’s not alienating anyone. It is literally normal human behaviour.

You are a very forgiving mother.
Ruining special occasions is really narcissistic behaviour.
Your daughter is very lucky to have such a kind mother.
She needs it explained to her how poor her behaviour is.
Others will not be so forgiving towards her.

Most sensible people have understood and supported her.

@RainSoakedNights
"She had a normal human reaction to being disappointed. You don’t have to be smiley all the time for the sake of others."

You sound like my ex husband. He believed in treating people like shit just because things didn't go exactly his way. Fortunately you and he are in a minority.

OP I feel for you! Despite growing up, doing great things and loving us dearly - a feeling and pride we return in spades - somehow, our DC never stop finding ways to make us feel like crap. Pretty sure I was the same with my poor mum. I distinctly remember being in a grump in the car on the way to my wedding!

I think there are just times when most of us revert to hideous little sirs and madams with our parents. All you can do is take it as a kind of warped tribute - that our kids know they can trust us not to react badly to brattish behaviour. (My dad would have no qualms smacking me across the face in public, hence his absence from aforementioned wedding, and indeed my adult life.)

Also ceremonies and enforced jollity can bring out the worst in the people being celebrated, especially if they're not feeling up to it.

From the way you describe the day OP you have pretty good self-awareness and a sense of humour. So when the sting of this hurt fades, I'm sure you'll both be able to see the, erm, funny side... sounds like a great episode of a future Motherland...

That was sad for her, because she will regret it one day. She probably already is.
It was sad for you because it was a day to very much look forward to and it was spoilt. Nothing wrong with wanting a photograph. They adorn walls all over the UK.
Hopefully she will have learnt from the experience and learn to curb those strong emotions, realising that you only hurt yourself and often those you love.
Maybe if you have the money you could have a celebration meal together when the dust has settled.

It was her day though, she didn’t ‘ruin’ someone else’s graduation it was her own, and for good reason really. I think you should give her a bit of a break (I know others won’t agree!)

Maybe a bit of self reflection would be in order for you? It is not OK to inflict your bad moods on innocent bystanders who only want the best for you. It is 'kick the cat' behaviour to lash out at other people over things they are not responsible for.

My DS didn't bother going to his graduation and didn't bother to tell me when it was.
I was really disappointed and sad to have missed it. But he couldn't understand why. 🤷‍♂️

But I get you OP.
It's their graduation, yes, but we've supported them all the way up to it, and most parents look forward to making that memory, and the much anticipated day didn't go to plan. It's normal to be upset.

But, at least your DD turned up for hers 😂

Well you know not to make the effort for her in future if she reacts in such an ungrateful childish manner.
I would have gone to dinner without her and told her what a spoiled brat she was behaving like. Good job she didn't get the position with an attitude like that. How would she act in an adult environment when things didn't go her way?
News flash - life is full of disappointments; start getting use to it now love

Perhaps I’m mad but I’d personally be more upset that multiple people have called my child a brat, spoilt, immature, a drama Queen, a cow, a miserable brat etc as well as all of the posts saying that it’s good she didn’t get hired, she’ll struggle with relationships etc.

It makes me so angry hearing these grown adults talk so appallingly about a young woman, who apart from not smiling, wanting photos or a meal, didn’t do anything wrong apart from be upset and overwhelmed.

Shes not even my child but yet you seem (again) to care more about yourself and what posters are saying to you than the vile things they’re saying about your DD.

Exactly this.

Op is entitled to post about how she felt about her DD’s behaviour. She’s doesn’t have to be spoken to rudely or taken for granted.
Face like thunder, acting as though been handed a bag of shit when given a prize, stomping off before photos, not speaking to any peers is inappropriate for a public ceremony.
Onus wasn’t on Op to say don’t go you clearly aren’t in mood.
If you’ve chosen to go then behave in a civil manner.
We all have disappointments but how you deal with them matters. It’s like if you come second in sports you clap the winners you don’t flounce off or stand with a scowl.
It sounds like things have settled down and they can move on but Op is entitled to feel sad about the day and hurt by her DD’s actions.