Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

My days. A graduation is not the same as a wedding.

Oh they are. Standing. Clapping. Boring speeches. I remember being a bit fun at the meal with several friends and their families the actual ceremony was dull as dishwasher. We even had Richard Attenborough as our chancellor which did make it slightly more interesting.

And yet thousands of young people every year thoroughly enjoy their graduation day despite this.

We aren’t all Mr Spock. Some of us can’t control emotions - especially when younger. OP should have supported her daughter, not gritted her teeth and had a “show must go on” attitude.

What if she stumbled across this thread and found her mother supporting hundreds of strangers in a character assassination, while having no right of reply?

I did wonder upthread if these reactions from strangers made the OP feel better. But in following updates, she has said not very supportive things about her daughter's resilience (who raised her?), so now I do actually think that she wanted strangers to tell her that the daughter is an ungrateful brat, who should have smiled for photos and put on a happy face.

If that’s what you are taking from it I’m not sure you really grasp what’s going on. No real point in discussing it. After all you think grad photos are about feminine beauty, despite all the men who get them.

And thousands do not. I am sure there is a correlation between enjoyment and job offers…

Alright then: if its was also a graduation and others had come to celebrate. It doesn't really matter what the occasion is. It's the inability not to let one disappointment ruin everything that is problematic.

this is a very moving post.

About your own situation, I am sure your parents were both happy and proud at your achievement, and one less-than-perfect day, even an important graduation day, isn't going to change that.

I totally get how you feel, as I feel similar. I also still find 'being happy' on the Big Days hard - just manage it better - I am so much better at low-key, spur of the moment type gatherings. Ironically, I now have a DC who is really poor at emotional regulation and unfortunately has ruined several birthdays / Christmas Days with bad behaviour. I do feel upset at these days, and have got angry with him. But ultimately, all I want is him to be able to be happy in himself as he grows up, and I am fairly sure I will accept the mistakes along the way, even though they might have hurt at the time and been hard to take.

Well your daughter was an immature stroppy cow. My eldest applied for so many jobs, didn't even get a response to many. It's tough for employers when they get the annual avalanche of job applications we told him. He didn't sulk once.

You should have gone for the meal though.

I'm guessing she'll be coming home unemployed. Lay down some rules now.

This is a good point.

This particular young person does have somewhere to go though. To the supportive parents to whom she’s just been so rude.

But why oh why should she push her emotions aside to make others happy? Why couldn’t her parents step up, be parents and comfort her?

Yup. And also a bit of correlation with an ability not to collapse entirely over one aspect not going to plan.

quite.

Right, so when you punish your child does that or does that not tell them what not to do?

It’s not the grad photos that are about feminine beauty…not sure how you got that impression.

Funny, because you don’t know how her daughter has taken it in her stride since then.

It was my son’s graduation yesterday too. I’d have been very upset if he refused any photos. My son’s father would have told him in no uncertain terms he would be smiling for the photo given the amount of money its cost.

I don’t think anyone has asked for a huge grin. Just a lack of rudeness and a willingness to go ahead with plans she made herself.

@EarringsandLipstick thank you for your kind words. It’s rather bizarre reading some replies in which posters have totally made things up. I’m now supposed to have ranted at dd for not smiling, or telling her to smile - I’m confused myself now!

Dd was just in a black mood. Unfortunately one descended on this day. Grumpy/emotional/disappointed - I can understand and deal with all of them. Being on the receiving end of rudeness whilst dh and I were standing there like a couple of chumps, not so much. Dd had wanted all the bells and whistles - happy to oblige. Wanted to change her mind - fine. Attitude and “not bothered” comments, not great.

Ignore them. They are projecting. DD endured her graduation but didn't enjoy it as she hates being the centre of attention. It was her decision to go through with it though. If she had said she wasn't going to we would have accepted it.

If she doesn't want a graduation ceremeony when she achieves her masters that is up to her. We aren't going to insist that she has one.

What ‘collapse’? Why do you think a young woman not smiling and not performing happy femininity for a public event considered to be in “collapse” ?

You mean push aside their emotions?

In all honesty, as a parent that's what I'd have done. It sounds, though, as though op knows her dd well enough to know no amount of comfort would reach her - which is why people are saying there's a problem.

Comfort works because we have developed an openness to the idea that things going wrong isn't always the end of the world.

What great emotional resilience 😂😂😂😂 OP doesn’t like some of the responses so she’s just to ignore them.