Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

Leaving university is absolutely unsettling.

Leaving behind friends whom you may not see again. Leaving the city you have made home for three years. Leaving the stability of academia for the “grown up” world. Leaving the comfort of studying for the world of work - when the job market is a mess. Add in the happiness, pressure from others to perform and a job rejection, it’s no surprise she wasn’t on top form.

I certainly hope my kids never "put their disappointment to one side" for my sake. It's not respectful and it's not healthy.

Absolutely agree with @SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice on this thread

Did you throw a tantrum at yours or something @RainSoakedNights ?

Huh, and yet DD is being shred to pieces by her own mother for not smiling. If you punish someone for failing to smile, that is a way to tell someone to smile.

This! Have had the pleasure to watch mu DS1 graduate 2 years in a row! Both lovely days filled with pride & lovely memories! I would be so cross & upset if DS had acted like a brat. So sorry your dd has spoiled it for all of you ! She will regret it soon enough! Go out for a meal with DH tonight & celebrate anyway!

I’m just aware of how horrible and scary life can feel in your early 20s. I’ve had people on this thread tell me I’m not resilient because I cried when I lost my job!

@DrudgeyPants your OP really resonated with me - I've read all your posts, and some but not all of the replies. I can see you have got some really harsh comments, which I think are unfair.

You are not in anyway UR to be upset about a significant day, that you would anticipate as a happy celebratory day, being spoiled by your DD's behaviour.

However, I would also encourage you not to feel too upset about it, recognising that while it's a real pity the day didn't go well, it's more important that your DD achieved her degree, along with her award.

In terms of what DD did, I don't agree with all the posters who are castigating her. She did behave badly, and it wasn't a nice thing to do - but she's also young, and as another poster said, human - she got disappointing news and handled it badly. She will know this. It reminded me of my younger self who was poor at handling emotion and not great at seeing how it impacted others - at my undergraduate graduation, I was mortified that my dad (who worked in another university so knew many of the senior university staff at mine) tried to pull me out of the procession to get a photo taken or speak to the University President (I can't quite remember what he wanted me to do). I hissed back at him, was petulant and then was really cross and told him so, after the graduation. I just wasn't nice. I feel really bad to think about this now - but also, I know that now, decades later, I have matured and learnt how to handle situations appropriately and deal with my emotions - and do so well, I think!

Rather than dwelling on the day being ruined, I think it's ok to be a bit sad, but not over-think it - your DD made a mistake, that's all. I don't think there'd be anything wrong with talking to her about it, not getting cross, but just matter-of-factly letting her know the impact of her behaviour.

It is very unsettling - you have no idea what is next after graduation especially if you have no job to go to, and no way to pay the rent & bills.

Young people aren’t to feel emotions though! We must take everything perfectly in our stride and never once panic!

Well amazingly I've been to my fair share of them and never seen any of my friends - or indeed witnessed others - exhibiting all these wild emotions on the day, and certainly not people with a face like they have been given poo when receiving a coveted prize. Its not gracious.

Of course its a rite of passage, but those things need putting into perspective and processing in an appropriate way. I felt like breaking down and sobbing when my youngest started nursery - which I did actually, but only after dropping them off, having a quick coffee with friends and getting back to an empty car. It wouldn't have been fair to my dc, the teachers - and actually I'd have felt I let myself down.

Multiple people have called her daughter a brat, said that she “won’t be able to have a relationship” and other such horrid things.
Why is it that OP’s humanity must be considered, but that of her daughter shouldn’t? What if she stumbled across this thread and found her mother supporting hundreds of strangers in a character assassination, while having no right of reply?

@RainSoakedNights

Agree 💯

MN is funny sometimes.

Every year there are multiple threads from grown adults throwing their toys out of the pram because they didn’t get a valentines or Mother’s Day card.

But yet DD is being called a spoilt brat for spoiling her parents day because she didn’t plaster a huge grin on her face and didn’t want to go out for a meal on the day of HER own graduation.

I am sorry that this happened. Maybe best to just chalk it down to experience. I suspect the job rejection hit your dd harder than even she expected, did she really want the job? And with a bit of time, she will no doubt come to regret her behaviour.

For one of my dc, we had a similar experience although different reason, my dc was really unwell on the day so we had driven up the day before, managed to collect the robes then dc's illness got worse, took some photos, handed back the robes and went home. It was disappointing all round but shit does happen and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. If you generally have a good relationship with her, I would leave it and wait for her to bring it up

And if you’re a girl, you can always get married to a man with a job who you won’t catch if you go round looking like a sad sack of shit. So smile 😃

(as my mother told me)

I am really torn on this topic.
On the one hand, it is sad that the day was ruined. I feel sorry for you and I do think your DD should ideally have made some effort to at least do the minimum expected of her in this situation, even if she was feeling down. I'm conscious that I did something similar to my own parents on my graduation day (I wasn't grumpy but I did ruin the day by getting so drunk the night before that I spent my graduation looking crumpled and very obviously hungover, and ended up being sick when they tried to take me for a lovely meal). I have always felt really ashamed of myself for that and regretted the lost chance to give my parents a happy day - especially as I went on to lose my mum a few years later and she never got to see me graduate from the qualifications I did later in life. We never know how many special days we will have with the people we love.

On the other hand... as someone crap at emotional regulation (despite now being far from a spring chicken), I know I would find it very hard to even put on a brief cheerful act in your DD's shoes. I also find that any occasion where there is pressure to act a certain way and be on display can become a bit of a nightmare. 30-something-year-old me can handle these things but early-20-something me could not. So I do relate to your DD's position too. Generally I reckon we put too much store in big days and photo opportunities in life, but that's maybe just my cynical take and I still appreciate how crap and disappointing this must all have been for you and your DH.

Oh, and I agree with those who've pointed out that this is a really unsettling time of life generally and often a time when young people feel at their most insecure and rubbish. A lot of those picture perfect smiling graduation photos are LIES!

Ps, for those critical of your DD's lack of emotional resilience re the job, I have cried my eyes out after every job interview i've ever had (always convincing myself I wouldn't get it, even though I usually have), and probably always will. And my graduation drinking was fuelled by heartache. So I'm flying the flag for big messy emotions as part of life, not something we can just airbrush out... even though ideally the tears would be private and a sensible balance could be struck to at least get through the graduation photos!

@zaxxon In this day and age many grads get numerous job rejections. The gilded ones don’t of course but many dc learn to be pragmatic about it and have been for a lot of y3/4. They have to be or they would be in permanent spinning turmoil! They have to pick themselves up and move on.

She’s graduated with no job. She does need to reflect on why this is and not take it out on her parents. Rudeness is never acceptable and she’s an adult that’s been supported by her parents. It cost nothing to be civil and pleasant. We all find dc don’t get everything they want, when they want it m, but behaving like this is not on. Disappointed or not. There’s probably quite a lot of disappointment on the horizon. What then? More tantrums?

Whats telling is lack of university friends. My DDs spent time with them after graduating. Where was the fun in this day?

I did too, at my DD’s graduation last year. I like to people watch.

Actually arguments I have seen. But its the ability to move through them and onwards that I think people think the DD was lacking.

I think some posters would be horrified to know I ugly cried at my desk at work when I was told I was losing my job! Emotion is a human thing and sometimes it doesn’t come out in the most appropriate way, but we shouldn’t be demonised for that!

Her mother hasn’t supported these accusations for one.
Some people have over reacted as much as the DD - and one of them is you, going on about duty and forcing people to do emotional labour (I think that was you - apologies if not).
Her daughter’s humanity absolutely should be considered. But that doesn’t mean seeing rudeness as ok. Understandable maybe, and the OP seems to have understood and not asked her to cheer up, but still wrong.

What a narcissistic mindset.

It was DDs day!!

OP and DH were there to support HER.

It is not their day and they do not get to feel sorry for themselves that she was so upset.

Some people are such attention vultures.

But why on earth should she move on from what is, in all likelihood, the worst disappointment she’s felt to date? It’s not as if she gave up on everything and declared that her job search is over. She just didn’t want to celebrate. I only took pictures at my graduation because my parents insisted and you can see in them how uncomfortable I am - what a good memory! I just find this insistence that she should repress how she feels to please others really bizarre.

I don't see that as quite the same thing at all.

If it was also your wedding day and your groom and family had made an effort to celebrate it and you still sat at your desk and ugly cried, that's quite different.