Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

Jeezo, she needs to grow TF up! This will not be the only rejection she has in life, she better develop some resilience. I hope she reflects, and frankly apologises to you op for her strop. And is embarrassed looking back..

How old is she? 21? Has she had jobs before while at Uni? It’s such a stressful time for her. I’d give her some slack.

Whether the bad mood is around you, or anyone else, the seeming inability to accept rejection is the main issue for me here. I would not want to work around someone with such an issue and glad I don't.

Yup. Same here. My graduation was in the middle of the pandemic, two weeks after my nan had died, and I was thoroughly miserable thinking I’d never see people again. If my parents had done that I don’t think I’d have spoken to them again.

You’re making the day about you rather than about her.
And she’ll have known you were teary etc….

Honestly, it was HER day.
Her been grumpy and not wanting photos is about her. She’ll feel the consequences (or not). But that was her choice.

Im not sure why it suddenly became a disrespect of you as parents.
She isn’t a child anymore. It was her graduation.

This has reminded me that almost exactly the same thing happened to me - a rejection letter for a job I was very very keen on the morning of my masters graduation ceremony. Regardless of my feelings, my parents had supported me to getting to that point, travelled at expense to the graduation and I 100% parked my disappointment and enjoyed the day as best I could for their sake as much as mine. In fact I didn't even tell them about the letter. I would be told to cop myself on if I had done otherwise. I would be more than hurt or disappointed in the OP's shoes, I'd be very cross. What a madam.

I wouldn’t make excuses for her.
In some families grandparents etc will have contributed financially and would like to see photos.
Bet Op and her husband have spent at least £30,000 supporting DD last 3 years. Yet DD couldn’t behave in civil fashion for 2 or 3 hours, that’s poor behaviour even if you are only 21. Manners and civility go a long way.

Mine (in the 80s) was mostly in Welsh and Latin (though the address was largely in English). Loved it.

Crying with laughter, this time!!

Grade D for reading comprehension!!

I don't think that's the case at all, and you should ignore the twats painting it up as such.

Your DD behaved immaturely and unreasonably. She ruined what could still have been a good and comforting family day. She behaved like a tantrumming toddler.

Getting the job rejection on her graduation morning was obviously just very unfortunate timing but it didn't give her carte blanche to throw a huge strop and lash out at those around her who have been her support network up until this point in her life.

Tell her that. In no uncertain terms. I'd also be tempted to remind her that she is biting the hand that feeds her (assuming she is now coming home to live for the time being). You can't be putting up with this sort of bollocks from her every time something doesn't go her way from now onwards. She needs to learn how to deal with this sort of thing much better, while keeping her comfort blanket and support network onside. If she can't do that then one day it might not be there because she has pushed you all away too often.

Tell her that you are around to advise and support her as needed but that you and the rest of the family are NOT her verbal punchbags.

Why not book to go out for a meal tonight or at the weekend with your DH, perhaps just the two of you so that the black cloud that DD is currently casting is less intense and you can freely discuss how to handle it from here.

I think times have changed. Both my DSis and I had no interest in going to the graduation ceremony (both Oxbridge, first generation students etc) - it seemed the depths of uncool to our 21 year old selves - or having photos displayed of us in gowns, so we graduated in absence (not particularly unusual). No regrets from our side but with the benefit of hindsight and maturity I think it would have meant something to my parents and from that point of view I regret it. This was in the days of full grants so financially my parents had not contributed but I don’t see it as a transactional issue. If my DC decide not to attend I’ll see it as their choice, and not hold it against them. I can’t see myself displaying photos of them in cap and gown, but of course I’d cheer them proudly on the day. I think people are being very harsh about OP’s daughter. She was disappointed and upset and couldn’t pull herself out if it.

But that’s her first job rejections.
Dint you remember when you were really excited to get that job and it didn’t work?
Dint you remember feeling behind when you didn’t have a job but all of the others had (or at least it felt like it)?
dc1 had his graduation too. All of his friends have a job starting in a few weeks. Dc1 is doing his master. Some have chosen to have a year away.
But they ALL know what they’re doing next year.
Fir your dd to not know and receive that rejection in the morning would have been a double blow.

As for ‘lacking resilience’ … please….
Resilience is NOT about putting on a brave face fir others do THEY can enjoy the day.
Resilience is dusting yourself and starting again. The next or a week later. Once you’ve walloped and got over the disappointment. Give her time instead of writing her off as ‘ungrateful’ etc….

i wanted to graduate via post and not do the ceremony however my parents guilt tripped me so much it was easier to just go ahead and do it, i hated every fucking minute of it

You were the one saying you were teary….
both you and your dh

She wasn't disrespectful

She was disrespectful, or at best ungracious, towards the people who were awarding her a prize - 'looking as though they were giving her dog poo'.

That's sheer bad manners, and she's more than old enough to know better.

Her being a grumpy and rude does affect parents though. It’s horrible standing there surrounded by happy families and she’s got a face like thunder. It sounds like mum hoping DD didn’t blow up so didn’t push photos or meal.
Op was in an awkward situation. Her DD has said she wants to go and booked the tickets.
If Op said to her look you clearly aren’t in mood let’s leave no doubt the DD would have kicked off about them wanting to leave, perhaps with an oh you went to siblings not mine thrown in.
I really feel for Op and can imagine her standing there gritting teeth and hoping DD doesn’t show herself up too much.

The DD wanted to do the ceremony. She wanted the photo. No duty involved. Her choice.
And I still think it’s weird to see appreciating the help you’ve been given by celebrating your achievement properly as a ‘duty’ you ‘have to’ go through and as some sort of massive imposition.

@RainSoakedNights - you are being really nasty. I said I was teary, yes, but YOU said it was because I wanted a flippin’ photo!

I don’t know why you’re starting to up the insults and calling me a liar but it’s really not pleasant.

I also didn't want to go to my graduation as parents had just divorced and I knew there would be a bad atmosphere
I went mainly as I felt friends would wonder why I hadn't, and did smile throughout. Albeit it was a bit of a plastered on smile tbh.

Was recently looking at my old graduation booklet (forgot I had it) - there were a few who graduated in absentia, but not many.

Her being a grumpy and rude does affect parents though. It’s horrible standing there surrounded by happy families and she’s got a face like thunder.

If dc1 had been that grumpy because of a rejection letter, my reaction would have been the opposite to the OP.
Id have felt for dc1, asked him if he still wanted to go. How he wanted to handle things. See if he wanted to be with his friends (dc1 met up with some if them for photos too).
Basically I’d have remove all pressure, told him we would support him to do whatever he wanted.
(My own dc wasn’t keen at all on the ceremony. He hates the formality of it. So him nit going certainly has been a question in this house. What’s the point of it etc….)

Ive never seen the ceremony to be about me, a celebration of my input or what else has been mentioned on this thread. This graduation ceremony was the celebration of HIS efforts, of his determination. I’d have been proud of what he did regardless of the celebration.

She didn’t spend the day crying she didn’t get a photo. Stop just making things up to suit your odd take. Yes, she had the shine taken off a bit. We can all understand that. No excuse for being rude to her parents though. She chose to have the photo - nobody put pressure on. Then she just decided she wouldn’t on a whim. I can totally understand the OP being a bit disappointed as she was expecting to have a memento and also she knows her daughter really doesn’t want to have it and will be disappointed she doesn’t when she gets over the job disappointment.

Thank you @Cakeandusername and @cardibach I think you really understand!

Some posters have their own experience/agenda, and it really isn’t that I was insisting upon dd attending the graduation against her wishes. Or just wanting to go to post it on FB as one pp said. As if! (Not even on FB or Instagram.)

A bit teary is totally different to crying over no photos. Op says she and dh were a bit teary. They didn’t argue or cry at all when she said no photos or meal.
I’m not particularly emotional but I feel myself getting a bit teary at things like this. Seeing how proud everyone is, end of a chapter etc. It’s normal as a parent. Lots of parents well up at primary leavers assembly.

OP, this is one of the posters you should just ignore. They are talking bollocks and making up their own narrative in order to stick the boot in.

Don't rise to the bait. Everyone with any common sense has said that your feelings are normal and valid.