Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

The OP is more than just ‘a bit disappointed’ though.

A bit disappointed is understandable.
Finding your dd disrespectful is quite different.

EDIT to add
Theres a lot of talk on the thread about the dd needing to be resilient and dusting herself for the ceremony etc….
Maybe the OP could have done the same and be more resilient herself, seeing she is older, more mature etc…. That would have meant not taking her dd behaviour personally, not getting so ‘emotional’ etc… The exact things she was expecting her dd to do …..

What a brat.

My DS didn't bother with the ceremony and that didn't bother me.im very proud of all he's done and getting the degree is the reward, not dressing up to attend a ceremony and get photos.

Thank you @Topseyt123 - I guess it’s me who needs the resilience!

All the comments along the lines of "she's x, y, z negative attribute and this is probably why she didn't the job" are both ridiculous and totally out of order.

I think being rejected from a job (maybe the first job rejection ever) is hard. If it coincides with an event where everyone is looking at you and expecting you to be happy, then that probably makes it harder than if you get to deal with it in private. Cut her some slack.

That does sound like a failed day, but I don’t agree with you blaming your DD- “DD ruined graduation” is your title and you repeat that sentiment often while focussing on how you think she should have reacted, how she should have modified her face to be more pleasant, how she should have “put on a brave face”, how put out you felt.

From my perspective the job rejection the morning of graduation spoiled the day for all of you. I don’t think it’s fair to expect your DD to act like it was nothing and plaster a smile on her face all day to ensure you had a good day.

You’re enforcing the misogyny that says young women should be smiling and cheerful, and never show negative emotions - especially anger (faces like thunder) in public. You seem upset more because you felt every other family was jolly, and every graduate except one (your DD) was happy. This is clearly impossible- there are always dozens of complicated family dramas happening at graduations- and more reflective of social anxiety around your DD not performing smiling, pretty, femininity in public.

I would have validated my DD’s anger and been like that’s shit, their loss, fuck em and don’t worry we will find you a better job starting tomorrow instead of criticising her reaction, her emotions, her facial expressions, her not feeling celebratory and saying she had “ruined graduation”. The job rejection AND your rejecting her reactions to it are both very deep cuts to her self esteem and she must be feeling pretty worthless.

Well, we all often need rhino hide to post on MN, and hard hats too. 😉😉

What a load of crap my sons was brilliant and we had a lovely day. You’re missing the point their dd really needs to grow up.

Team DD here. I really feel for her, it's awful having to plaster on a smile and pretend to "celebrate" when you feel shit.

This parental stance of "you'd better buck up young lady, and suppress your emotions because they're getting in the way of my enjoyment of the day" is harmful and kind of horrible.

Spoilt brat. She had no right treating her parents like that and you have every right to be upset by it. She’d have felt the wrath of my tongue.

I would be disappointed as well @DrudgeyPants

She needs to be told (preferably in the moment) that her behaviour is unacceptable.

Yes, she got some bad news, which should be commiserated and empathy deployed, but that should not tarnish a big day, particularly when people have put time and effort into being there.
Of course if she was at home, she could mope around a bit, but she wasn't. Sometimes, the circumstances of the day should outweigh disappointment of an individual.

I think not getting the photos done was selfish on her part. Funnily enough, the graduation photos at my parents house (of me and my siblings) are the ones my DC find most fascinating.

I hope she can reflect on her poor behaviour and make a conscious choice not to ruin important days by her moodiness. Ongoing OP, if this trait keeps coming up you need to point it out to her.

Squib. Damp squib.
All squid are damp.

You’ve no reason to think they would have felt differently if it had been a son.

Expecting somebody to pull themselves together isn’t mysogyny it’s called being a grown-up.

Yes. Disappointment and disrespect are different things. OP is disappointed, in part, because of the disrespect in the way she and her DH were treated by their DD on what should have been a happy family occasion - and one the DD had opted to take part in.

That actually suggests to me she's a bit demanding/perfectionistic, even a bit spoiled op. It's as if because the day wasn't perfect, she didn't couldn't enjoy it at all. That will be a disastrous attitude for her for life if she doesn't start to address it; life seldom delivers everything on a platter all at once, and the secret to a fulfilling life is enjoying the bits that do go your way and embracing that for the next push.

I'm sorry the day wasn't a disappointment. Parents put a lot into the process as well and she was selfish in that respect.

But going forward I would try not to focus on that as it will muddy the point. Essentially she needs to develop the skills to handle disappointment because there will be plenty of it in her life. As it turns out, one bit of the puzzle didn't fall into place so she threw an almighty tantrum and ruined and detracted form the bits that did go to plan. A recipe for a sad life. That's what I'd focus on. Tell her you're over the graduation disappointment - even if you're not quite - and focus on the fact she needs to work on this. her academic skills are life-ready, but her emotional ones are not.

It was HER day.

You can feel bad for her that she was so upset on a day that was meant to be a happy occasion for her.

But you cannot be upset that it ruined yours and DHs day.

I would have been disappointed that my DD didn’t have a better time but I’d simply tell her that we’ll rearrange to go out for a meal on a different day.

She has worked hard for 3+ years and got very good grades.
Of course she’s going to be disappointed about the job.
It’s not the job in itself, it’s the fact she felt like what was the point in all of that hard work and dedication.
Its a hard thing to go through and we’ve all been there and she’ll have plenty more experience of it too

Not harmful and horrible at all. Dd is not a child but behaved like a particularly horrible one. Her parents had made the effort to go to the graduation and no doubt spent a bit money on doing so. The right thing to do would be to put any disappointment to one side and focus on the day, then think about why she didn’t get the job.

Yes, of course. But the DD having opted to do the Ceremnoy and booked a photo it’s not unreasonable to expect a nice day out.

It’s a stretch to say it’s misogyny. I’m sure the OP would have been just as disappointed if a son had done it.
Also ‘plastering a smile on’ and getting on with things can often lead to genuinely feeling better.

But unexpected things happen.

If the dd had broken her leg a week before, she might have changed her mind too.

Not being able to come with a last minute change of plan talks more about rigidity rather than the resilience tge OP is so keen on.

How have you made a day that is absolutely not about you in the slightest, entirely about you and your feelings?

I remember my mum saying my sister was so vile at her graduation that my mum cried all the way home.

It was our daughter’s graduation a couple of weeks ago and we actually had a nice day (although I found it fairly stressful and exhausting). She did snap at my husband in the evening and I wonder if emotions coalesce in that day? They may not see friends anymore, they are having to move back home after years of independence. They don’t all have a plan for the next step, which can be overwhelming when their friends all seem to?

I’m not making excuses for your daughter’s behaviour and we did as you did and let it go on the day, but we have since had a discussion with her and received an apology. Perhaps that’s something you could discuss with her, how she was and is feeling and that she obviously didn’t enjoy her grad day and is there something going on? Unfortunately I think loved ones are first in line for stress to be unleashed on!

Finally you are right and fair to feel disappointed about the day. Those posters who criticise you obviously haven’t had to listen to the never ending trials and tribulations of unfair markers, bad flatmates, horrible modules, dissertation, hangovers, highs and lows of our beloved offspring day in day out! YOU earned that degree as much as she did if you’re like me! 😂

Woman know your place. Your feelings are not valid, your own graduation isn’t about you or your achievements, it is to entertain your elders and you are their show piece of brains and beauty who must pose for photos because if you look bad, they look bad and we can’t have that as women are fundamentally decorative and our duty is to put everyone else’s happiness ahead of our own.

@Calliopespa I will try all this, but definitely let the dust settle. She is used to things going right. I’m dreading it if she’s ever dumped!