Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

I agree she needs to build resilience. The parents need to also.

I disagree that she could have simply not checked her phone. Potential job offers are something you would know to look out for around a certain date. Ultimately, the job offer is far more important than the graduation ceremony or the photos, or any of the rest of the hoopla.

The bigger picture, however, is that you don't lash out at parents (or anyone else) when you're disappointed.

I liked the pp approach with moody family member of "if you stay, you need to do X but if you can't do that, you can go, and we will do the activity without you". OP and DH could have had a nice meal and hotel stay.

Although I suppose DD might have then resorted to "you abandoned me without a lift!"

It can be good to have an agreed fallback position with volatile people.

And a lot of young people naturally want to celebrate with people who are important in their lives. It’s you making it into a transaction nits not ‘emotional labour’ to recognise all the people who have helped us -it’s being a human. What an odd way you have of looking at love, friendship and families.
My priorities tend to be around maintaining good relationships with family and friends I like and respect. What are yours where celebrating together wouldn’t figure?

That's awful , does she have form for being this entitled and rude? Stop all funding or payments . No excuses.

If graduation ceremonies aren't at least in part about the "supporters" (whether that be parents, other family, friends, teachers) then why hold a ceremony at all? By definition they're a collective, public event.

Hence OP feeling embarrassed. Because it was public.

My mother forced me to go to my graduation, I thought it was a complete waste of time and didn’t enjoy a moment of it (not only because I was having a terrible period, as normal, it was a hot day and I was liable to faint). I’d have loved my father to come but he was a somewhat anti-social character and he didn’t bother so my grandma took his place. I’d have preferred not to go at all. I’m still angry with my now deceased mother, 50 years on!

My dd did something similar on a level results day. She felt she hadn’t done as well as she should (She got two a* and an a, so god knows what that was about). She proceeded to be miserable and grumpy all day and at the dinner we had gone on with her friends and their mums. In the end I told her she was embarrassing herself tbh and to start being more respectful of her own achievements and everyone else’s and the effort everyone including herself had gone to to get her to this point.

Yes but it has to be about freedom and choice. It's lovely to celebrate together of course. But if it becomes about duty and HAVING to feel grateful, then that's something else.

I know this belongs in the previous century but I was first to go to university in my family, both parents having had to leave school at 14. My father had died a few months prior but we had two tickets for graduation. My DM asked brother to go with her. He was in Loughborough . He managed to miss the train . Poor mother sat through missing her husband but put a very good face on it and some friends took us to lunch. Meanwhile my future husband had walked out after a row with his father annd was staying in my family home and his parents were not speaking. So his parents made their way separately to his graduation and left separately and there was no celebratory feast. We both lived in our respective homes for uni.
our children had lovely graduations judging by their smiling photos which we still have up over 30 years later. OP your DGC will have lovely graduations. Hang in there

She really doesn’t. I’m not sure what you are (over) reading I to her posts. She wanted them to have a nice day together, for her daughter to be happy about her achievements, to have some happy pictures. Normal.

I hope you’ve told her that her behaviour was unacceptable ?

And then DD got bad news, which (understandably) took the shine off the day for her. Instead of understanding this and trying to support her daughter, OP spent the day crying because she didn’t get a photo!

Re the photos, I got my graduation photos done a few days in advance at the photographers. They had a gown and full regalia that you could borrow and it meant you weren’t taking up time doing it on the day.

i got my photos done with my friends and we all had individual ones as well as group ones.

so if you do want photos it isn’t too late.

Few posters are painting you as a monster. Most posers are calling your daughter "selfish", a "brat" and "disrespectful".

Let go how you are being perceived by people on Mumsnet, and focus on the person you love, your DD. You are internalising a few negative posts way way too much.

Glad to see some supportive comments, but I notice that the unsupportive ones tend to fall either into the camp of "You should tell your DD not to be such a brat" or "What are you making a fuss about anyway, it's only a graduation and it's her day, not yours."

It's a good example of why parenting is so bloody difficult.

Personally I feel sad for the OP, because a child's graduation is something special - it's what you've been working up to for years of their life. You've seen them get through their school exams, their GCSEs, their A-levels, their university applications and open days and acceptances, and then shared the joy (hopefully) of getting their results. Graduation day should just be a nice day where you come together as a family and feel good about what your child has achieved, in part down to your support as parents. Your child can feel grateful to you for encouraging her all those years, and you can be pleased that your child has done so well.

And then your child chooses to shit all over it, basically, and what do you do? You can't say "Get a grip, you mardy-arse ungrateful child" and cause a fight, can you? You can try and coax them into good behaviour, but that doesn't work with everyone. Or you can just accept the inevitable and have a miserable time before going home and ordering a fish supper.

Hopefully in time she will reflect on her behaviour and apologise.

My friend is a graduation manager and it happens every time. Worse she had was parents flying in from far east and yp was not on list (as not graduating)
Glad your son could tell you and is ok now.
She gets angry parents shouting about yp being missed off by useless staff. She can’t disclose confidential info. Some yp have dropped out yr1 and pretended for 3 years.

My DD uninvited me to hers a few days before in a strop. I don’t even have a photo, not that I want one, because her father (we are long divorced) has them. She will regret it one day.

Agree. I often wonder when exactly the posters making excuses for this bad behaviour think is the appropriate time for a young adult to start behaving with consideration, manners and decency? The DD is presumably 21 years old now. Yet still we get the replies telling the OP off, urging her to fawn around her DD and know her place. At what age does this stop? When is the time we stop indulging rudeness, selfishness and impulsive dramatics? Because the thought of adults who've never learned to curb their behaviour going on to be some poor persons partner/mother/father is pretty concerning. If the DD behaved that way to a partner or children, she'd be called abusive.

Your case is different. I would not have attended the ceremony until the correct degree was awarded even if it meant graduating with another cohort. I would have deferred my graduation and asked them to hold the payment for the gown etc for that. But even in your case once you made the decision to attend I would argue with respect that you should have hidden your disappointment and made the day as enjoyable for everybody as possible. After all they don’t announce what class degree you got achieved at the ceremony.

i had no idea what to expect at dd graduation and i was overwhelmed (long story) and yes it's a lot of hanging around and i'm sorry your daughter didn't enjoy hers.
i drove and had two nights in a hotel and paid for dinner, half of her outfit, half of the gown hire etc but dd didn't say thank you for any of it. (her dad paid for the other half of it and i bet he got a big thank you and 39487 shoutouts on instagram as he is the bestest parent ever and i am definitely not.)

and now she's living back at home.

it's also shit if every man and his dog are posting on social media about how great everything is with the graduation and you didn't have that experience so it just gets more irksome. and also my dd is a lot like your dd so i empathise MASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIVELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (said in that knowing kinda way!!)

Frist comment nailed this one. Entitled generation gives not a flying f*ck about anyone esle who has put themselves out.

Don't blame you for being peed off. I would be, as would most parents.

I would definitely have a word with her - and going forward would take action to ensure she didn't pull a stunt like that again. For any future family celebrations, I would ask if she wished to come and if she felt able to behave pleasantly.

She then has the choice whether to stay at home.

I would say I have never been more miserable than at my own graduation.

The pressure to be happy when actually you might never see half your friends again as everyone scatters off around the county. The uncertainty of what adult life holds. I didn't want pictures, and I still hate looking at photos of that day as it was just miserable. It was a boring and hideously depressing day for me.

I've really never forgiven my mum for pulling me aside and "having a word" with me for being "ungrateful/moody/rude" when I was talking to friends who I felt I would never see again.

On a practical advice level I’d have to have some space before speaking to DD. There’s things on tip of my tongue that would be hard to take back. Don’t do or say anything you’ll regret. It would be so easy to say in anger you’ll never get a job if you behave like a petulant child or cut off her mobile phone I bet you still pay for.
I’d go to work and then out for walks for a few days. Go for a meal with DH.
Once dust settled I’d want a conversation with her about it and how things are going to look going forwards. She shouldn’t be taking her disappointments out on you.

Yes because telling someone to stop being a brat and to cheer up on their graduation would have the desired outcome. It’s not like it would cause a massive argument or tears or anything. Completely OPs fault for not just saying “smile it might never happen” and cheering her daughter up