Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

Oh yes they are!

What??

it's an opinion, there is no fact.

its a common opinion

I do feel for you @DrudgeyPants it's a rotten shame. I agree with the poster who said graduations have become like weddings in terms of the huge cost and anticipation. It's part of the way the university sector underpins the local economy - from student nights out to accommodation to expensive meals on graduation day. Sometimes that build up leads to a big let down. I'm sorry that happened to you. In time she and you will get over it. It just feels rubbish now, really bad timing.

And sometimes their DC doesn't want them to. I know 3 people who, for various reasons, didn't want their parents to be involved in any way. And they all got on well with their parents.

@DrudgeyPants afraid I’m team DD. I was dumped by my uni boyfriend the day before graduation. I spent the whole night crying and woke up with puffy eyes that wouldn’t go down and feeling probably the most depressed I ever had in my life to that point.

I tried to put a brave face on for my DPs but just couldn’t. I did do the official photo but wouldn’t let my mum put it up for a whole 10 years afterwards as it had such bad associations for me and I also looked terrible due to all the crying!

Luckily my parents were sympathetic and understood I couldn’t simply switch the emotions off because of the importance of the day. I agree she shouldn’t have been rude to you and of course it’s disappointing when you’ve been looking forward to it, but really your role is to support her in her sadness, help her get over the rejection and build resilience for the future. and maybe you can celebrate with a meal out at another time once she’s feeling better.

I disagree, it seems perfectly fine to me.

Sorry to be blunt, but none of you sound particularly resilient.

I’m really sorry this happened. I know how important it is to mums. My graduation was the most boring day of my life - it was also hot as fuck, so most boring and sweaty day of my life. They truly are tedious, so I somewhat feel for your DD, but it’s one of those things you just need to suck up for your mum. Maybe this is a controversial opinion, but 80% of the time the graduation and the pissing about with the hat is for the parents, especially in families where the parents didn’t go to uni. At least that’s how it was among my cohort.

Also she needs to get used to job rejections… you can’t throw your toys out the pram at all of them or you won’t have any toys. Took me +100 applications before I landed my grown up job and that was years ago, it’s only worse now.

She didn’t get any graduation photos taken?? Oh dear.

I imagine that she (the DD) said she wanted to attend and at that point the parents booked tickets and hotel etc. You have to book graduation tickets - none of this is particularly spontaneous.

Some pps have said that graduations were meaningless to them which is fair enough, but the DD could have said she didn't want to go in the first place.

The DD may be a bit put out I suppose if her parents say, nope, not risking it, next time she's got some milestone that involves them spending 500 quid or so.

But that's what happens eventually with volatile people.

It sounds like DD is used to doing well and being top, and as you say, can get very emotional. There's some growing up to do here, which will happen. A conversation about not taking her upset and disappointment out on others is probably called for; how to act gracefully in defeat.

She might not regret the lack of photos. I didn’t attend my graduation ceremony because I had a ticket to see Black Sabbath the same night, which I had purchased before the ceremony was announced.

I figured I could eventually have another graduation if I went to university again, but my chances to see Black Sabbath were much more finite.

I still haven’t had another graduation, I don’t have photos in a cap and gown, but I do have a degree, a professional job and I got to see black sabbath in my life time. I am richer for it.

I'd be somewhat lacking in patience too if my child cost me hundreds of quid for an optional event and then spoilt the thing due to an emotional upset.

Especially if there was a history of previous such behaviour, which there does seem to be.

If prior to the job rejection DD was up for participating fully, then yes, she was being bratty and needs telling.

There are some truly miserable buggers on here, OP. How you are feeling sounds perfectly understandable.

When you say you and DH spend half your lives talking things through with her, and mention you wanted to avoid her creating a big scene, it does sound like a different approach is needed though. Have you ended up pandering to her reactivity? Well-meaning, but in reality unhelpful to her in the longterm.

I’m really sorry it turned out that way. You’re not being unreasonable at all to feel hurt or disappointed, graduations are a big milestone, and it's natural to want to mark them properly. It sounds like your daughter was overwhelmed and lashed out at the wrong people, which unfortunately happens sometimes when emotions are high. That doesn’t make it fair to you though. You clearly put effort into making the day special, and it’s okay to grieve the memory you were hoping to have. Maybe once she’s had some space, she’ll reflect on how it affected you too. Be kind to yourself today, you did your best.

I bet Op had paid for photos and gown hire.
Flouncing off saying there’ll be no photos ok is not how you speak to anyone.
All the graduation is a waste of time posts are irrelevant. She didn’t need to apply to go could have had certificate posted.
Once she committed to going and mum and dad spent time and money on arrangements least you can do is be civil to them.
I’m shocked at how badly some yp speak to parents and parents tolerate it.
Yes she’s an adult it’s her choice re meal and photos but behave like one. With hindsight mum and dad should have gone off for meal together and then driven home 3 hours without her. A bit of space might have made her reflect on how she speaks and acts. You don’t need to walk on eggshells.

I would have been annoyed too. My DS has his graduation coming up and I know he won't enjoy it - he's only going because DH wants him to - but he had the option not to attend so given that he has chosen to do so I expect him to behave like a grown up.
Nobody has to go to their graduation and I think it is better not to attend than to behave like a spoiled child throughout the day.
I really didn't want to go to my graduation. It was boring and pretentious, a waste of money and of a nice sunny day. But my parents really wanted to go, so I grinned and bore it and tried to look like I was enjoying myself. Sulking and spoiling the day for other people is very bad behaviour. I do have sympathy on the photo front though. No photography was my compromise with my parents.

Your story surely has very minimal relevance to OP's DD's situation.

I think I have exactly the same type of DD.

It's crept up and I think we let too much slide - her siblings have had the school slide under them arguable worse - all wentthough covid and missed out on things- Ds had issue in his A-levels and struggled as well.

I think her first her friendship group being trans and then ND and struggling to get her disagonsed perhaps made us too wary to push back. Trouble is it has started emerging round others as well in more proffessional settings - she can be charm itself - but this is an issue I think

I'd try and get past this - as it was a day more about her - but in future calmly pull her up on it going forward and if that make it worse in short term I think long term it may be best thing.

You can always get a photo taken at a later date. She can hire a gown any time. I'm sure in years to come she'll see things differently. She'll get a good job eventually and take you out for a meal to apologise. She's just a bit immature at the moment and doesn't know how to handle disappointment. And one day, when her kids graduate, she'll look back and understand what a twit she was..

No they're not.

I don't see it this way at all. She acted rashly and in an immature way. I understand that she was upset and it was all bad timing. But she has been childish and ruined what still could have been a lovely family day for all three of you and a precious memory for her in the future (neither of my parents are alive now), in order to indulge a strop.

Was this her first job rejection? It is true that she'll experience a few, but when you first start applying for jobs it takes a while to built that mental resilience to dealing with it. I think a lot of graduates assume they'll just waltz into the first job they apply for, when it's rarely the case.

But I know I've shed tears before over job rejections, particularly when they've been ones I've been really excited about. It's really tough, it makes you feel like what was the point of going to so much effort with your education when it doesn't feel like it's getting you anywhere.

I skipped my graduation because I hate that kind of performative ceremony anyway, but I can totally understand where your daughter's coming from with a job rejection spoiling her day.

I was really pissed off at my graduation (as a mature student). I wouldn't have gone but I felt it was important my kids got to see the ending of the whole degree thing, and I'd paid for the tickets/stupid gown etc for my parents as well. My bloody mother decided to make it all about her having another chance to lay into me for me existing incorrectly and being annoyed about something that I was actually completely vindicated to being annoyed about. I'm still mad at her for deciding to try to make the graduation day all about her being disappointed in her daughter's emotional disregulation again.

I was angry as hell cos uni had fucked up the timescale of my (later upheld and degree reclassified) academic appeal which should have been completed prior to graduation and telling me to suck up the walk across the stage with the wrong class degree... and then sitting me next to someone who'd got exactly the same mark and been up-banded and wouldn't shut up going on about it. Justifiable grounds to be slightly pissed off and going through the day just for the kids really.

For the record I was doing the smiling and appearing joyous, but I had dared mention to someone that I was still pissed off about it and my mother decided that she had the right to bollock me for my usual levels of disappointment induction. I regret inviting her to be honest.

Appeal on incorrect following of processes upheld, module re-marked which adjusted my degree boundary, degree re-issued... but the uni still had pissed on the entire day by screwing up their timescales and I felt like I was lending an aura of legitimacy to their ineptitude by being there.