Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

@BriefHug It was basically a Moonie wedding crossed with a Cup Final. I thought they’d get the parents to do a single Mexican wave of appreciation at the end. But we were in the pub by 4pm.

love this!

You should go to a Welsh one twice as long because everything is in Welsh then repeated in English ds fell asleep through the last one thankfully he didn't snore 😀

Is that you Mum?? 😀

It was her day, not yours, you were just on the periphery. She is obviously disappointed at not getting a job she wanted and presumed would be hers. That is life and she will eventually get it in proportion. Just leave it, put it behind you and get on with your lives.

That was us yrs ago. We chose to shrug it off. We'd done our best. It was his graduation, and his to look back on.

Your DD doesn't sound like she has developed the skills (or can be bothered to use them) to rein in her emotions. This needs to change pretty quick or she's going to have a tough passage through life, spoiling things for herself and others and affecting her relationships with those who offer her less conditional love than her parents. If it were me, I'd be having a conversation where I pointed this out. She ruined a special day for herself and you and she needs to reflect on whether she wants that to be the story of her life, with a serise of tarnished memories behind her or if in future she will work on keeping perspective and putting a game face on when needed.

She was taking it out on you, which is very unfair.

Presumably you paid for the grad tickets, the gown, pre booked the photo, paid for a nice hotel... and then nada.

I'd be down in the dumps if I were you. There is a bit of hanging around.. but the grads are meeting up with friends, laughing at each other in their gowns.. and then having a nice family meal together to celebrate.

You planned a lovely day to celebrate her achievements and milestone.
She really needs to grow up. I know recent graduates, fully qualified and capable who have taken nearly 6-9 months to get their first grad job. So she will need to get used to it.

Was a job app that 1000s apply for? She will have to go back to the drawing board and see what extras she can add to her CV now to make herself stand out from the 1000s of equally well qualified graduates all applying for similar roles.

But I agree with pps... that you and DH should go out for the nice meal you intended whilst she gets over herself.

Unless she's upset about something else?

That was nasty of your dd. She’s back living at home now? The free ride ends today. Tell her that from the 1st August she pays rent and bills and food. Are you paying for her phone etc? If so that stops. She can get a local job whilst she applies for her big important job.

Was this one off behaviour or out of character from DD?

Bloody kids.
No gratitude. A graduation is a celebration for everyone really, yes she did the work but no doubt you supported her financially and emotionally .
She will regret not getting that photo one day.

Graduations seem to have got a bit like weddings. I didn't go to mine, nor did my friends, and no one complained. That said, I my kid refuses all these life rituals and it upsets me! It's unfair on you but please try and shrug it off, and congratulate her anyway- she graduated, meal or no meal.

I would expect her to do the trip alone and have her photos taken in a borrowed gown alone, maybe she'll realise how awful she's been to those who made her university success possible.

Your DD has behaved very badly. I think you need to remind her just how lucky she is to have a family who are around to be present at her graduation. Many students have parents who don’t care or parents who can’t get to the ceremony.

My DD managed to participate fully in her graduation day and smile in photos etc even though her father had died a few months earlier. I was (and still am) so incredibly proud of her and the maturity she has shown.

I think it is the lack of emotional resilience. I know dd is going to be getting, in all likelihood, hundreds of rejections. I really do understand.

She does have form, as pps have intuited, for spoiling things with a bad mood. Normally I can steam about it or shrug, but yesterday it was upsetting to be snarled at.

For the 200th time, I didn’t care about the photo, but a) dd had been keen and b) it was the way dd said, “There’ll be no photo, ok?”

I don’t think it’s about you. I was also miserable at my own graduation and looking back that makes me sad as it was really special (grandparents came to London to celebrate).

However, my time at uni had been really really tough and trying to celebrate something that I’d been glad to see the back of and had caused me an unholy amount of stress was confusing. It was too raw for me to see what a huge achievement it was. I also felt embarrassed that most of my peers had secured exciting graduate jobs with great salaries or further study. I felt totally lost with neither of these, I was going back home to my waitressing job and to be honest felt unworthy of receiving a degree from a prestigious institution, thinking I’d already failed as a graduate by not going on to all the great things promised to us. Listening to the Chancellor’s speech was tough- I felt really emotional at them stating how great the achievement was but that I was never going to reach the fantastic outcomes that they spoke about. It wasn’t a happy occasion for me, it was my release from a 3 year long endurance test but in my mind the beginning of a lifetime of not measuring up to my academic record.

10 years on, I’ve found a career I’m proud of, have much more mature understanding of why my time at university was so tough and am slightly sad I didn’t celebrate more. But I also understand how complex and painful that time was and give myself grace for it. I’m back at uni now, doing my Masters and this time, am planning a proper celebration!

They'd booked into a hotel 3 hours away...other than getting up in the middle of the night then yes they would need the next day off work

@Nevereatcardboard - congratulations to your dd; you must be v proud of her.

It sounds as if she pulls these stunts quite often, hence you deciding to let it pass unmentioned (I don't think I could have managed that!).

What usually happens afterwards? Does she regret it? Pretend she doesn't regret it? Continue to be a drama llama? What behaviour are you anticipating from her?

The dd could have been off the phone for a couple of hours or not looked at emails.
Nothing was on fire was it?
DD will need to build some resilience and realise she’s lucky to have a family that support her and made a big effort to attend etc.
I am in education and helped a student who was a cared for child through and she’s gone on to build a great career. Things are always tougher for someone so some perspective is needed.

@LBFseBromStudents and parents have to pay for these events though. Parents have often paid up for years. It’s a small thank you on graduation day.

Noone painted you as a monster,not even close. Where did you get that from???

Well surely that's a matter of opinion!

yes, it's a lovely proud moment - but 'moment' it is the other 98.99% of the time I think it is very boring!

@DrudgeyPants

why didn't you tell her 'No. I'm not letting you spoil your Graduation over 1 job application! One job is just that!! Plaster a smile on, we are going to take photos, one day you will thank me. I'm sure that won't be for a while, but that's ok'

then later on go out for dinner with DH (with or without her!) & enjoy the hotel?

Children must learn to deal with rejection which is part of life. Sounds like she's a spoilt brat. You should be a lot tougher otherwise this behaviour will escalate.

I think you understand what I’m trying to say here, but just to clarify, I’m saying that the DD - like most people now - probably checks her phone, including emails, several times a day. So she probably thought nothing of doing that on graduation day.

Obviously she then saw the job rejection email, which upset her and affected her experience of graduation, which is meant to be fun and enjoyable.

It’s all very well in hindsight to say, oh she didn’t have to check her phone, but that’s not helpful, as it’s done now. It even comes across as a bit superior.

If she’s regularly moody and this impacts on you and others, that’s not OK and I wouldn’t ignore it, especially if you are subsidising her.